Hilarious Quotes

·        It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a
warning to others.

·        I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.

·        At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

·        What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

·        The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. 

    Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who
first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

·        My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days have September" because it actually tells you something.

·        Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. 

·        Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

·        Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

·        We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

·        I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

·        My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

·        Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

·        Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

·        Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

·        If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

·        This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it
was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

·        If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.

·        Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

·        If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

·        Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

·        This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

·        My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Questions & Answers ABOUT MAN'S

·        Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?

·        Because men refuse to ask for directions!

·        What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

·        Through his chest with a sharp knife. 

·        When is a man as smart as a woman ?

·        When he is plugged in to one. 

·        Why did the man cross the road? 

·        Because there were no women on his side.

·        Why are men like blenders? 

·        You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 

·        WHY IS FOOD BETTER THEN MEN ?

·        YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR FOR SECONDS! 

·        WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ? 

·        THEY SATIFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE ! 

·        How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

·        None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark. 

·        How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

·        Who knows; they never get the house 

·        What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common? 

·        There both empty from the neck up. 

·        why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? 

·        he wasn't concentrating 

·        Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?

·        Because God made man the perfect asshole. 

·        What do men and linoleum have in common? 

·        Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life. 

·        What do men and microwaves have in common? 

·        They're both done in 30 seconds. 

·        What's a man's idea of foreplay? 

·        A half hour of begging 

·        How can you tell if a man is well hung? 

·        If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!! 

·        How do you get a man to do sit-ups? 

·        Put the remote control between his feet. 

·        What did the elephant say to the naked man? 

·        It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts? 

·        What's the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man? 

·        Bigfoot has been sighted! 

·        Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners? 

·        So men can understand them. 

·        What is the difference between government bonds and men? 

·        Government bonds mature. 

·        What's a man's idea of helping with house work? 

·        lifting his legs so you can vacuum. 

·        What's the difference between man and E.T.? 

·        E.T. phoned home. 

·        What did God say when he created man? 

·        "I can do better than this". 

·        How do men define a 50/50 relationship? 

·        They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle

·        How do men exercise at the beach? 

·        Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in. 

·        What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be? 

·        A hot dog and a 6 pack. 

·        Why are men like noodles? 

·        they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough. 

·        Why is it good that there are female astronauts? 

·        because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.