How To Make Women Happy...(advice according to women)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow (+8)
But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

Social Engagements At a Party:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)

A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Mustang (-10)
With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED (-15)

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop 9 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-800)

Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)

The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

Training Courses For Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

More 'Men Are Like...'

Men Are Like Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men Are Like Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men Are Like Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men Are Like Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men Are Like Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men Are Like Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men Are Like Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men Are Like Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men Are Like Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.

Men Are Like Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men Are Like Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men Are Like Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men Are Like Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

Men Are Like Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men Are Like Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Mr. Right - A Rejection Form Letter

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine

What Men Really Mean

"It's a guy thing"

Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"Can I help with dinner?"

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"I'm going fishing"

Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Uh huh, sure honey," or, "Yes, dear."

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain"

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest."

"I was listening to you. It's just . . . I have lots of things on my mind."

Translated: "Is that woman over there wearing a bra?"

"Take a break honey, you're working too hard".

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."

Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"You know how bad my memory is."

Translated: "I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, the license plate numbers of every car I've ever owned, I just forgot your birthday."

"I dunno . . . i was just thinking about you, and I got you these roses. . ."

Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"I've got my reasons for what I'm doing".

Translated: ". . . and I sure hope I think of some soon."

"I can't find it."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my out stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."

Translated: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find out."

"You know I could never love anyone else."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and I realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."

Translated: "Oh God, please don't try on MORE clothes."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again.

Advice For Your Daughters

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, ...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Definition of Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is
lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Men's Faults (Politically Correct Version)

He does not have a BEER GUT.

He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.

He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.

He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.

He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.

He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.

He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.

He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE.

He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.

He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.

He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.

He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

12 Advantages of being a man & the only 2 disadvantage

12 top advantages of being a man:

1. You can play football

2. You don\'t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

3. It doesn\'t ruin your day if your best freind doesn\'t notice your new haircut.

4. You don\'t need a diamond ring to make a commitment.

5. You just make the babies, you don\'t have to give them.

6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. You don\'t cook, you barbeque.

8. You get to make fun of homosexuals instead of shopping with them.

9. The only nails you break are steel.

10. When you hit 30, you\'re still drinking beer.

11. Red doesn\'t make you look fat.

12. Weight-watchers doesn\'t allow men.

The only 2 disadvantages of being a man:

1. Bars don\'t have men\'s night (They only have ladies night.)

2. You can\'t get a job by showing your boobs.

 

52 WORST PICKUP LINES...

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to"tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb - diggity.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."

Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

24. I look good on you.

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can  visit you between the Holidays?

27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.

33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot.

37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.

40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

41. The word for the night is legs, let's go back to my room and spread the word.

42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choochoo.

47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?"

Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"

50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.

51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

52. Guy: Want to go get a pizza and a fuck?

Girl: No!

Guy: What, you don't like pizza?

Men Are Like...

Men are like ... Coffee

The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like ... Cement

After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars

Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Blenders

You think that you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Coolers

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... Copiers

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like ... Curling Irons

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like ... Government Bonds

They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... High Heels

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like ... Horoscopes

They always tell you what to do, but they're usually wrong.

Men are like ... Lawn Mowers

If you're not pushing one around, you're usually riding it.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like ... Laxatives

They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ... Mascara

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Mini Skirts

If you're not careful they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like ... Noodles

They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like ... Parking Spots

The good ones are already taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

Men are like ... Weather

Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Plungers

They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like ... Popcorn

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Placemats

They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like ... Snowstorms

You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ... Used Cars

Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.

Men are like ... Vacations.

They never seem to be long enough.