MALE OR FIMALE

Coffee is better than Women.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

~ Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.
~ You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.
~ Coffee never runs out.
~ No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
~ You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
~ When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
~ Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
~ Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
~ White men can take black coffee home to their parents.
~ Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.
~ You can always heat up coffee.
~ Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.
~ If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
~ Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Ladies Tee-shirt blurbs!

Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Male/Female Definitions!

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

5 Questions that put FEAR into a Man!

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1...What are you thinking about?
2...Do you love me?
3...Do I look fat?
4...Do you think she is prettier than me?
5...What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).

As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following:
a...Baseball.
b...Football.
c...How fat you are.
d...How much prettier she is than you.
e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a...Oh Yeah, crap loads.
b...Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c...That depends on what you mean by love.
d...Does it matter?
e...Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a...Compared to what?
b...I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c...A little extra weight looks good on you.
d...I've seen fatter.
e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:

a...Yes, but you have a better personality.
b...Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c...Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d...Define pretty.
e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").
WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

Women Bashing (oh-oh)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why do men like air-headed women?
Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman?
Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!

How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Marry a new one !!

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

Jokes for the Ladies!

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A Widow.

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What did God say after creating Adam?
A: I must be able to do better than that.

Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "Practice makes perfect."

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They are married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

If Men TRULY Ruled The World!

"If Men TRULY Ruled the World!"...

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words..."Ally McNaked".

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Garbage would take itself out.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

The Typical Male Decision Process!

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,and then he makes his decision.
Which women did he choose?
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The one with the largest breasts!

Restroom wall graffiti!

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here -
Your asshole is in Washington!
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,Beverly Hills, CA

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

The perfect couple.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

***Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
***Men keep scrolling







So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident.


By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

What men say & what it

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means...."You want me to stay awake?"

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You look terrific." Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you." Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.

"We share the housework." Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH JOKES ABOUT WOMEN AND MEN ENJOY

Stranded on a Desert Island...

A rather inhibited engineer finallysplurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever donein his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the hugeship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to alife preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, aspring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and forhours on end and sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, agorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

“I'm from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?”

“Yes, I was,” he answered. “But where did you get that rowboat?”

“Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, what did you use for tools?” asked the man, amazed.

“There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that'show I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all thistime? I don't see any shelter.”

“To be honest, I've just been sleepingon the beach,” he said.

“Would you like to come to my place?”the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side ofthe island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with aneat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree.There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

“It's not much, but I call it home.”Inside, she said, “Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”

“No, thanks,” said the man. “One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!”

“It won't be coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.”

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”

“No,” the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.”

“Well if you'd like to shave, there's arazor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

“You look great,” said the woman. “I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable.”

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

“Tell me,” she asked, “We've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now...?”

“Yes there is,” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible.”

“Well, it's not impossible, anymore,” the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE?!”

The Rules (by Her)

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

1.     Sag! You're it!

2.     Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

3.     20 questions shouted in your good ear.

4.     Kick the bucket.

5.     Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

6.     Doc, doc, goose.

7.     Simon says something incoherent.

8.     Musical recliners.

9.     Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

10.                       Hide and go pee!

When Cats Are Like Men

• They are independent.
• They don't listen.
• They don't come in when you call.
• They like to stay out all night.
• When you are trying to get things done, they want your attention.
• When they are home, they like to be left alone and sleep.

Women's English

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correctdecision should be obvious by now

"Sure... go ahead"  = I don'twant you to

"I'm not upset"  = Of courseI'm upset, you moron!

"We need to talk"  = I needto complain

"You're certainly attentivetonight"  = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights"= I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient"  = I want a new house

"I want new curtains"  = andcarpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"I heard a noise"  = Inoticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?"  = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?"  =I did something today you're really not going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute"  = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?"  = Lie to me

"You have to learn tocommunicate"  = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me!?"  = [Too late, you're dead]

"Do what you want."  = You'llpay for this later

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine,again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

The Lady and the Facelift

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''?

The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''
The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''
The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''
The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''
After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.''
So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!''
The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''
The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

The Love Dress

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”
So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”
She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?”
“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.
“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

 

Thinnest Book in the World

Whats the thinnest book in the world?

"What Men Know About Women."

Tight Skirt, Bus Stop

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Musical jokes

Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
A: A new age song.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.

Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.

 

Any last requests?

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"

"That you kill me first."

 

Top Ten Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock

From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994

10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.

9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.

8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.

7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.

6. One word: polkas.

5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.

4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.

3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]

2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.

1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

 

Glossary of music terms

Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!"

Accidentals: Wrong notes

Ad Libitum: A premiere.

Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.

Agnus dei: A famous female church composer.

Allegro: Leg fertilizer.

Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.

Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.

Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.

Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

Bravo: Literally, "How bold!" or "What nerve!" This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concertgoer after a particularly trying performance.

Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.

Broken consort: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.

Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

Cadenza: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola".

Cantus firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.

Chansons de geste: Dirty songs.

Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, e.g. "He wears chords."

Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

Clausula: Mrs. Santa.

Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.

Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Conductus: The process of getting Vire into the cloister.

Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.

Countertenor: A singing waiter.

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

Crotchet: 1) A tritone with a bent prong. 2) It's like knitting, but it's faster. 3) An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used.

Cut time: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.

Da capo al fine: I like your hat!

Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.

Di lasso: Popular with Italian cowboys.

Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.

Drone: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet.

Ductia: 1) A lot of mallards. 2) Vire's organum.

Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.

Embouchre: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.

English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.

Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.

Estampie: What they put on letters in Quebec

Fermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.

Fermented fifth: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a 'distilled fifth', which is what the conductor uses backstage.

Fine: That was great!

Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.

Garglefinklein: A tiny recorder played by neums.

Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.

Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.

Harmonic Minor: A good music student.

Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).

Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.

Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.

Hocket: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.

Hurdy-gurdy: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum.

Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: a long time; Minor Interval: a few bars; Inverted Interval: when you have to back one bar and try again.

Intonation: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages

Isorhythm: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town.

Isorhythmic motet: When half of the ensemble got a different photocopy than the other half

Lai: What monks give up when they take their vows.

Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.

Lasso: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.

Lauda: The difference between shawms and krummhorns

Longa: The time between visits with Vire.

Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department. (Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.)

Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.

Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.

etronome: A dwarf who lives in the city.

Minim: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line. Breve: The time you spend when the line is short.

Minnesinger: A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera.

Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."

Motet: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as 'faking'.

Neums: Renaissance midgets

Opus: A penguin in Kansas.

Orchestral suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.

Ordo: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings".

Organistrum: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper.

Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.

Paralell organum: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire.

Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).

Pneumatic melisma: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets.

Prolation: Precautions taken before the Lai.

Quaver: Beginning viol class.

Rackett: Capped reeds class.

Recitative: A disease that Monteverdi had.

Rhythmic drone: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet.

Ritornello: An opera by Verdi.

Rota: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.

Rubato: Expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.

Sancta: Clausula's husband.

Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.

Sine proprietate: Cussing in church.

Solesme: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet.

Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.

Supertonic: Schweppes.

Tempo: This is where a headache begins.

Tempus imperfectum: Vire had to leave early.

Tempus perfectum: A good time was had by all.

Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.

Transposition: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece.

Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.

Trope: A malevolent Neum.

Trotto: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.

Tutti: A lot of sackbuts.

Vibrato: The singer's equivalent of an epileptic seizure.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Virelai: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai.

Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals.

 

How to buy a stereo

1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.

2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.

3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.

4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)

5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)

6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.

7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.

8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.

9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands.

10. The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000 screaming fans.

11. Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.

12. The most important factor--out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.