Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

New Republican Definitions

alternative energy sources
n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy
n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations

Cheney, Dick
n. The greater of two evils.

class warfare
n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change
n. The day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism
n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

DeLay, Tom
n. 1. Past tense of De Lie 2. Patronage saint.

democracy
n. So extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.

Fox News
fict. Faux news.

free markets
n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

God
n. Senior presidential adviser.

growth
n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.

gun control

n. The index finger, usually on the right hand. No other definitions or usage.

habeas corpus
n. Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).

healthy forest
n. No tree left behind.

honesty
n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march."

House of Representatives
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million.

laziness
n. When the poor are not working.

leisure time
n. When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s)
n. Followers of the Anti-christ.

neoconservatives
n. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.

9/11
n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy. (see Terra, Terra, Terra)

No Child Left Behind
riff. 1. v. There are always jobs in the military.

ownership society
n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

Patriot Act
n. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

pro-life
adj. Valuing human life until birth.

Senate
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million.

simplifiy
v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course
interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.
voter fraud
n. A significant minority turnout.

Wal-Mart
n. The nation-state, future tense.

water
n. Arsenic storage device.

You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can 
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

You Might Be A Democrat If...

• You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.
• You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
• You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
• You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
• You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
• You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
• You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
• You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
• You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
• You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
• You've never been mugged.
• You actually expect to collect Social Security.
• You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
• You think the Great Society has actually worked.
• You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.
• You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."
• You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
• Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
• You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
• Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
• You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
• You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
• You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
• You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
• You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
• You know at least one Vegan.
• You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
• You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
• You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.
• You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.
• You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
• You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
• You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
• You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
• You admire the Swedish welfare system.
• You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
• You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
• You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
• After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

Democrat Jokes and One-Liners

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

Stuff Men Need to Know about Women

Not a complete list, obviously.

The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because we actually change our underwear.

The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts.

Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!

When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt.

Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us.

Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling. However, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

Stuff Women Need to Know about Men

Not a complete list, obviously.

If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. Unless the answer is yes. In which case, can he videotape it?

Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.

Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.

Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.

It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.

If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

Don’t hog the covers. Really.

If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.

“Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.

Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.

Of course he wants another beer.

The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.

Dogs good. Cats bad.

He does not want to be just friends.

Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay, maybe a little. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy.

He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

Your butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.

Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

He heard you the first time. Honest.

You know, you can ask him out too. Let’s spread the rejection around a little.

Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.

Of course size matters, and boy does he has the grandaddy of them all.

His bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

Watching football is a major turn-on for him. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.

Female Definitions

What these words mean (from a female perspective)

Argument - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Barbecue - You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes - Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe - Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer - An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity - The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise - To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List - What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hairdresser - Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store - Similar to a black hole in space. If he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth - You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breathe...push..."

Lipstick - On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park - Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara - Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day - A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Male Definitions

What these words mean (from a male perspecive)

 

Alimony - Bounty after the mutiny or the cash surrender value of a husband or a system where two people make a mistake but one of them continues to pay for it or the high cost of leaving or the screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Beauty - The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband or feminine of intellect.

Bed - The place where marriages are decided.

Child - Love's by-product or one who stands halfway between an adult and the TV.

Criminal - Someone who gets caught.

Expert - One who has focused all his ignorance on to one subject or one who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy or a person who can take something you already know and make it sound confusing.

Gentleman - One who does not tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.

Hers - His

Male - a member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as "Mere Man". The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.

Neurotic - Anybody who thinks you mean it when you ask how he is.

Optimist - One who believes that good arises out of evil, and that there is no evil or a bridegroom who thinks he has no bad habits.

Respectability - The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.

Sexism - Maintaining that the sexes are equal.

Sorrow - The future tense of love.

Wealth - Any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.

SOME DEFINITIONS WHAT IS THE FUTURE