True facts

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

5. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
6. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

8. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.


9. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

13. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

16. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

17. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

18. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

19. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

20. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

21. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

22. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

23. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

24. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

25. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

26. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

27. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

29. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

30. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

31. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

32. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

33. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

34. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

35. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

36. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

37. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

38. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

39. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

40. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

41. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

42. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

43. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

44. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

45. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

46. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

47. Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

48. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

49. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

50. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Last half, last 50 out of Top 100:
51. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

52. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

53. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

54. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

55. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

56. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

57. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

58. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

59. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

60. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

61. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

62. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

63. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

64. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

65. When in doubt, mumble.

66. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

67. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

68. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

69. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

70. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

71. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

72. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

73. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

74. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

75. I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

76. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

77. I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

78. I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

79. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.


80. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

81. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

82. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

83. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

84. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

85. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

86. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

87. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

88. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

89. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

90. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

91. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

92. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

93. If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

94. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

95. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

96. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

97. Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

98. Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

99. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

100. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Your Urgent Help Needed

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

Bumper Stickers for Democrats

This One Is Voting For That One

I Can See Russia From My House

McPalin: A Bridge to Nowhere

Hey Sarah, I Can See the Moon from My Backyard, Does that Make Me An Astronaut?

McCain/Palin - Thanks, But No Thanks

Pregnant Unwed High School Dropouts for Palin

Abstinence-Only Education Really Works, Huh Sarah?

Free Levi

What's the Difference Between Palin and Bush? Lipstick

John McCain: Get Off My Lawn!

McCain/Palin: Incontinence and Incompetence

McCain/Palin: Unstable and Unable

Hey Sarah, I Can See the End of Your Political Career From My House!

If Sarah Palin Is Qualified, So Am I

Jesus Was a Community Organizer, Pontius Pilate Was a Governor

McSame/MILF

McSame As Bush

McAncient

Four More Wars!

Banned Any Good Books Lately, Sarah Palin?

No Country For Old Men

No You McCan't

Vote McCain…or the Vietcong Have Won

John McCain: More Wars, Less Jobs

McCain is a Fossil Fool

Sarah Palin, Dan Quayle with Lip Gloss

Sarah Palin, One Hockey Mom Who Should Puck Off

Somewhere in Alaska an Igloo Is Missing Its Idiot

John McCain, Like Bush, But Older

John McCain: Continue the Pain

John McCain: 100 Years of War in '08

Sarah Palin: Because John McCain Thinks You're An Idiot

Polar Bears Against Palin

Moose For Palin: Please Don't Send Her Back to Alaska

Horny Old Republicans for Sarah Palin

If I Owned 7 Houses, I'd Think the Economy Was Great Too!

Sarah, While You Were Looking at Russia, Maybe You Should Have Been Watching Your Daughter

Hey Palin, Can You See Reality from Alaska?

Hockey Mama for Obama

Barack the Vote

Barack's How I Roll

Got Hope?

Black is the New President

I Got a Crush on Obama

Bumper Stickers for Republicans

Coldest State, Hottest Governor

Pit Bulls For Palin

NObama

Yes Mac Can

Burly Men for Palin, Girlie Men for Biden

I Wanna Be Sarah's Intern!

McCain/Palin: A Hero and a Hottie

McMILF 2008

VPILF

No McCain = No Gain

Read My Lipstick: Vote McCain Palin

Vote Pistol-Packin' Mama '08

Omama

Sarah Is My Shero

The Palinator

Hope Is Not a Plan

The Audacity of Hype

I'm Voting for Sarah and That Guy's She's Running With

Todd Palin for Second Dude

Sarah Palin: Hockey Mom I'd Like to Puck

Our VP Is Hotter Than Yours

I'm Voting for the Hot Chick

Clinging to God and My Gun While I Vote Republican

Got Lipstick? McCain/Palin '08

Hockey Moms Say Puck Obama

If You Like Osama Vote Obama

Obama bin Lyin'

Obama For Change? That's All You'll Have Left In Your Pockets

Your Wallet: The One Place Democrats Are Willing to Drill

McCain '08: Proven Leadership So We Don't Have to Hope

Stuff Men Need to Know about Women

Not a complete list, obviously.

The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because we actually change our underwear.

The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts.

Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!

When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt.

Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us.

Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling. However, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

Stuff Women Need to Know about Men

Not a complete list, obviously.

If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. Unless the answer is yes. In which case, can he videotape it?

Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.

Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.

Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.

It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.

If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

Don’t hog the covers. Really.

If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.

“Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.

Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.

Of course he wants another beer.

The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.

Dogs good. Cats bad.

He does not want to be just friends.

Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay, maybe a little. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy.

He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

Your butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.

Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

He heard you the first time. Honest.

You know, you can ask him out too. Let’s spread the rejection around a little.

Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.

Of course size matters, and boy does he has the grandaddy of them all.

His bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

Watching football is a major turn-on for him. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.

Female Definitions

What these words mean (from a female perspective)

Argument - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Barbecue - You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes - Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe - Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer - An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity - The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise - To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List - What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hairdresser - Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store - Similar to a black hole in space. If he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth - You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breathe...push..."

Lipstick - On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park - Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara - Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day - A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Male Definitions

What these words mean (from a male perspecive)

 

Alimony - Bounty after the mutiny or the cash surrender value of a husband or a system where two people make a mistake but one of them continues to pay for it or the high cost of leaving or the screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Beauty - The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband or feminine of intellect.

Bed - The place where marriages are decided.

Child - Love's by-product or one who stands halfway between an adult and the TV.

Criminal - Someone who gets caught.

Expert - One who has focused all his ignorance on to one subject or one who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy or a person who can take something you already know and make it sound confusing.

Gentleman - One who does not tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.

Hers - His

Male - a member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as "Mere Man". The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.

Neurotic - Anybody who thinks you mean it when you ask how he is.

Optimist - One who believes that good arises out of evil, and that there is no evil or a bridegroom who thinks he has no bad habits.

Respectability - The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.

Sexism - Maintaining that the sexes are equal.

Sorrow - The future tense of love.

Wealth - Any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.