Stranded on a Desert Island...
A rather
inhibited engineer finallysplurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had
ever donein his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane
roared upon the hugeship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the
engineer, desperately hanging on to alife preserver, managed to wash ashore on
a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, aspring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and forhours on end and sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, agorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
“I'm from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?”
“Yes, I was,” he answered. “But where did you get that rowboat?”
“Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, what did you use for tools?” asked the man, amazed.
“There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that'show I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all thistime? I don't see any shelter.”
“To be honest, I've just been sleepingon the beach,” he said.
“Would you like to come to my place?”the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side ofthe island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with aneat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree.There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
“It's not much, but I call it home.”Inside, she said, “Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”
“No, thanks,” said the man. “One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!”
“It won't be coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.”
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”
“No,” the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.”
“Well if you'd like to shave, there's arazor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
“You look great,” said the woman. “I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable.”
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
“Tell me,” she asked, “We've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now...?”
“Yes there is,” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible.”
“Well, it's not impossible, anymore,” the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE?!”
Outside of beautiful scenery, aspring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and forhours on end and sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, agorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
“I'm from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?”
“Yes, I was,” he answered. “But where did you get that rowboat?”
“Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, what did you use for tools?” asked the man, amazed.
“There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that'show I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all thistime? I don't see any shelter.”
“To be honest, I've just been sleepingon the beach,” he said.
“Would you like to come to my place?”the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side ofthe island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with aneat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree.There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
“It's not much, but I call it home.”Inside, she said, “Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”
“No, thanks,” said the man. “One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!”
“It won't be coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.”
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”
“No,” the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.”
“Well if you'd like to shave, there's arazor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
“You look great,” said the woman. “I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable.”
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
“Tell me,” she asked, “We've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now...?”
“Yes there is,” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible.”
“Well, it's not impossible, anymore,” the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE?!”
The Rules (by Her)
1. The Female
always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50
1.
Sag! You're it!
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.
4.
Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says
bend over.
6.
Doc, doc, goose.
7.
Simon says something incoherent.
8.
Musical recliners.
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
10.
Hide and go pee!
When Cats Are Like Men
- They are independent.
- They don't listen.
- They don't come in when you call.
- They like to stay out all night.
- When you are trying to get things done, they want your attention.
- When they are home, they like to be left alone and sleep.
Women's English
"Yes"
= No
"No" =
Yes
"Maybe"
= No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your
decision" = The correctdecision should be obvious by now
"Sure... go
ahead" = I don'twant you to
"I'm not
upset" = Of courseI'm upset, you moron!
"We need to
talk" = I needto complain
"You're
certainly attentivetonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be
romantic, turn out the lights"= I have flabby thighs
"This
kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new
curtains" = andcarpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
"I heard a
noise" = Inoticed you were almost asleep
"Do you
love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much
do you love me?" =I did something today you're really not going to
like
"I'll be
ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
T.V.
"Is my butt
fat?" = Lie to me
"You have
to learn tocommunicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you
listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]
"Do what
you want." = You'llpay for this later
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE
FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine,again.
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine,again.
I JUST NEED SOME
SPACE.
... without you in it.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN
THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S
FINE.
... you cheap slob!
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T
WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW,
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU,
BUT...
I don't like you.
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE
YOU.
... just not in that way.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER
LISTEN.
You never listen.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO
QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN
A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY
FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT
THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING
OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
The Lady and the Facelift
A 47 year-old
lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new
look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I
am''?
The man replies ''You're 30,
right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''
The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''
The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''
After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.''
So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!''
The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''
The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''
The Love Dress
A woman goes
over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law
sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are
you doing?”
“I'm wearing my love dress,”
responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”
She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?”
“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.
“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”
Thinnest Book in the World
Whats the thinnest
book in the world?
"What Men Know About
Women."Tight Skirt, Bus Stop
One day, at a
bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus
arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight
she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough
slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She
still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to
unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
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