Convince these students

An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.

A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"

"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student.

---

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.

After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."

The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

Physical training job

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.

"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

New officer efficiency

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

"A room temperature IQ."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Bright as Alaska in December."

"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Fell out of the family tree."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"He's so dense, light bends around him."

"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."

"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

How far to the town?

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."

"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

Flying near Athens

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

New chemical warfare

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"

"Sure. That's easy," said one man.

"What is it?"

"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."

"What, what?" reasked the instructor.

"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.

Painting shows it all

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.

"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.

"What painter?"

"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."

"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"

"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

Choose a punishment

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.

"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

Tribute to the Marines

A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .

* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 *

1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.

2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.

3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.

4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.

5) Marines don't wear dungarees.

6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect.

7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!''

8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat.

9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.''

10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima

11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.

12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.

13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore.

14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.

15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.

16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.

17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.

18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.

19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.

20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.

21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!

22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!

23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)

24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.

25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.

26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''

Pre Relationship Agreement

.

The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):

1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.
Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere. 

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.") 

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable.
Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market." 

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up". 

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies.
Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities. 

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that-respective gross income aside-"he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!"
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time. 

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments.
Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties.By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess". 

8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and using archaic terminology-"Let's get married." 

9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other.
Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone." 

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds or immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same ****"

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET 

MEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS 

ELEMENT: MAN 

ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs 

SYMBOL: EGO 

DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs. 

OCCURANCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars". Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor) 

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 

1) Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others. 

2) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic & Common Sense. 

3) Melts if treated like a God. 

4) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. 

5) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. 

6) Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied. 

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 

1) Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element. 

2) May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened. 

3) Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking. 

4) When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. 

5) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers. 

6) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. 

7) Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6. 

8) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

9) Is impervious to embarrassment. 

10) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.

The Man Dictionary

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated: "I have no idea how it works." 

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."

Translated: "That girl standing on the  corner is a real babe." 

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated: "Are you still talking?" 

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."

Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." 

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." 

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue whatyou just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake itwell enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." 

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." 

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." 

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET On Woman

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
 Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System 

 Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115
lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large
quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common
ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS:
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal

Male Bashing

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. 

Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say. 

Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex. 

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off. 

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men. 

Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer. 

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes. 

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them. 

Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth. 

Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them. 

Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins. 

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow. 

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married. 

Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company. 

Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any. 

Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. 

Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you. 

Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds. 

Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first. 

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains. 

Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life! 

Q: How do you grow your own dope?
A: Plant a man. 

Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it. 

Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
A: He moved there. 

Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse. 

Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes 

Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them 

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head 

Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer 

Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows - we've never seen it done! 

Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions. 

Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing 

Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by 

Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging 

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?/? 

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind.
2. No business. 

Q: If men got pregnant....
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows. 

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends. 

Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed. 

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river. 

Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room. 

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard. 

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". 

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through its pecker! 

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them. 

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation. 

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut. 

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay! 

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer. 

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. 

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time? 

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions! 

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in! 

Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them! 

Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention. 

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock. 

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.

College Courses for Women

1...Silence, the final frontier - Where no woman has gone before.

2...The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits.

3...Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday.

4...Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.

5...Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.

6...An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.

7...Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.

8...Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.

9...Valuation - Just because it's not important to you.

10..Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first.

11..Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking.

12..What he really wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.

13..Driving a car safely - A skill you can also acquire.

14..Real women drink their share at a party.

15..Telephones - How to hang up.

16..Parking - Beginners Course.

17..Parking (Advanced) - Reversing into a parking space.

18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel - Why they prefer the floor.

19..Managing your weight - It's not water retention, it's fat.

20..Learning to cook I - Bran in not food.

21..Learning to cook II - Bringing back bacon and eggs.

22..Compliments - How to accept them gracefully.

23..PMS - Your problem, not his.