WHO IS BETTER MANS OR WOMENS ???

If Men were Pregnant

Maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay

There would be a cure for stretch marks

Natural childbirth would become obsolete

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

Men would be eager to talk about commitment

They wouldn't think twins were so cute

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags

Patenity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees

Women would rule the world

Women Shorts

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
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Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
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Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
So they can stand closer to the sink
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How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
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I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
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Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
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One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
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What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.
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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
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Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent....

Wedding cake!!!

Men Bashing

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes oneliners?
So men can remember them.

Because I'm A Guy

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, underany circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either women or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilariousto have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Just Once

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, once in the last five years."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex in the past five years; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at me."

Women's Advice to Men

-The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

-The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

-If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.

-If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

-Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

-Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.

-Please don't drive when you're not driving.

-Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

-Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.

-If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

-The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

-If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

-Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

-When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

-Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.

-Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

-Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

-Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

-Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

Convince these students

An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.

A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"

"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student.

---

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.

After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."

The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

Physical training job

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.

"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

New officer efficiency

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

"A room temperature IQ."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Bright as Alaska in December."

"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Fell out of the family tree."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"He's so dense, light bends around him."

"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."

"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

How far to the town?

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."

"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

Flying near Athens

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

New chemical warfare

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"

"Sure. That's easy," said one man.

"What is it?"

"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."

"What, what?" reasked the instructor.

"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.

Painting shows it all

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.

"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.

"What painter?"

"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."

"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"

"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

Choose a punishment

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.

"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

Tribute to the Marines

A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .

* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 *

1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.

2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.

3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.

4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.

5) Marines don't wear dungarees.

6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect.

7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!''

8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat.

9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.''

10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima

11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.

12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.

13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore.

14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.

15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.

16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.

17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.

18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.

19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.

20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.

21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!

22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!

23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)

24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.

25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.

26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''

Fortune Cookies

• Try a new system or different approach.
• How you look depends on where you go.
• He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
• You will be called to fill a position of high honor and responsibility.
• There is yet time enough for you to take a different path.
• You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
• You will travel far and wide, for both pleasure and business.
• Follow a hunch about improving your position.
• A vacation by the sea is in store for you soon.
• To see others, you must only watch; to see yourself, you must look.
• You are interested in public service and would make an outstanding statesman.
• You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
• You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
• Your energy is at a peak. Channel it into fun activities.
• Now is a good time to start something new.
• You are bright. So give out that light!
• Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
• Finding exotic uses for what others ignore will make your special fortune.
• Someone thinks you are very special and lets you know it.
• Share excitement with your best friends as you all run away for the weekend.
• You have many personal talents that are attractive to others.
• The most important things in life are not things.
• An aura of glamour and mystery surrounds your events of the week.
• Your pet project gains seal of approval from an influential friend.
• An important visitor will vow complete support.
• You will receive credit long overdue.
• Love will come looking for you.
• Anyone who makes a blanket statement is a fool.
• Happiness and good fortune will come to you soon.
• You have the ability to make lifelong friends.
• Live each day to the fullest.
• You have an optimistic outlook on life, for very good reason.
• Cooperate with those who have both know-how and money.
• Any active moves you make tomorrow will succeed.
• The path to enlightenment requires open eyes and willing feet.
• Remain resolute and unwavering toward your goals.
• Helping others can become a satisfying way of life.
• Your Yin and your Yang are in harmony.
• Wise men learn much from fools.
• Prayers are always answered eventually.
• Your future will be easier to digest than this cookie.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• The sooner you get behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• The only constant since the beginning of time is change.
• Those who speak loudest always have the least to say.
• Time exists solely to prevent everything from happening at once.
• Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
• Malice is stupidity raised to a higher power.
• Put off procrastinating till a later time.
• It's easier to curse a candle than to light the darkness.
• Moderation in all things should be practiced sparingly.
• People who spout platitudes have attitudes that allow no latitude.
• You will be unusually successful in business.
• You are generous, affectionate and impulsive.
• Keep your schedule flexible to handle the unexpected.
• You should be able to undertake and complete anything.
• Pray for what you want, but work for the things you need.
• Good health is a man's best wealth.
• You will step on the soil of many countries.
• You are entering a time of great promise and overdue rewards.
• You will soon gain something you have always wanted.
• Avert misunderstandings by calm, poise and balance.
• You need not worry about your future.
• You will be showered with good luck.
• If you can shape it in your mind, you will find it in your life.
• You have creative power to achieve your aim.
• You will succeed, but wait for the opportune moment.
• The physician heals; nature makes well.
• Try to clear up differences with associates.
• You will soon be holding the lucky number.
• You will make a change for the better.
• Sell your ideas - they are totally acceptable.
• There is no way of judging the future but by the past.
• You will be singled out for promotion.
• Adopt a confident, positive attitude and others will climb on your bandwagon.
• The coming month shall bring winds of change in your life.
• A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
• You have a natural grace and great consideration for others.
• You will witness a special ceremony.
• Confucius say: Angel with wings not so hot as angel with arms.
• A short trip is favored at this time.
• You will be offered a high executive position with an attractive salary.
• You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.
• You are deeply attached to your family and home.
• Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
• You are faithful in the execution of any public trust.
• Whatever your desires are, for the present decline them.
• You long to see the great pyramids in Egypt.
• You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
• You will be an honored guest at a pleasant social occasion.
• You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
• Confucius say: make sure words touch wisdom tooth on way out of mouth.
• Your business superiors have you in mind for a promotion.
• Add to your understanding of foreign art and culture.
• An emptiness soon will be filled.
• You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you.
• Too much confidence has deceived many a one.
• Your partner will be proud of you.
• You should be pleased with answers you are given now.
• Good news will come to you from far away.
• Good news will come to you from close at hand.
• You are heading for a land of sunshine.
• You will soon have an opportunity to make a change to your advantage.
• The color red will be important to you.
• You will receive a favor or kindness from someone.
• It is good to be neither high nor low. Come easy, go easy.
• Don't let doubt and suspicion bar your progress.
• Consolidate rather than expand business projects in the near future.
• You can breeze through most of the day.
• You will pass a difficult test that will make you happier.
• Blue eyes shall bring happiness as deep as the seas.
• Answer just what your heart prompts you.
• You can solve your problem if you exert yourself.
• Be tactful; overlook not your own opportunity.
• Children could contribute to your cheerfulness.
• Your genuine talent will find its way to success.
• He asks advice in vain who will not follow it.
• Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress.
• You will dance to a different beat next summer.
• Be the first to try something new.
• A woman who seeks to be equal to men lacks ambition.
• Idleness is the holiday of fools.
• A beautiful woman is a paradise to the eyes and a curse to the purse.
• You will visit some faraway land that has long been in your waking thoughts.
• Deception in romance will prove costly.
• Things just get curiouser and curiouser.
• Have you had your reality check today? Don't worry, it's in the mail.
• Happiness isn't all it's cracked up to be.
• Nothing is better than happiness, but a ham sandwich is better than nothing.
• Love will come looking for you, with an angry spouse.
• Reality will be less painful than usual today.
• Reality is the leading cause of stress, for those in touch with it.
• Life to you is a series of dashing and adventurous crises.
• Any problem in your home can be fixed, except that leaking faucet.
• Cooperate with those who have both know-how and bail money.
• Any active moves you make tomorrow will backfire, so stay home.
• The path to enlightenment requires a flashlight with fresh batteries.
• The secret of life is...I can't tell you. It's a secret.
• Remain resolute and unwavering when shirking your duty.
• Somewhere is lurking a hailstone that has your name on it.
• Your emotional ties aren't color coordinated with your suits.
• Threatening forces oppose your move to Cleveland.
• A libertarian, immoral society is enticing you to excesses. Enjoy.
• Your Yin and your Yang are no longer on speaking terms.
• If at first you don't exceed, try, try again.
• To err is human, to forgive is unlikely.
• It's okay to call someone stupid; just don't prove it.
• If justice rules the universe, we are all in trouble.
• There ain't no such thing as a free lunch, unless you own the restaurant.
• Wise men learn much from fools. Wise guys don't.
• You will live in interesting times and, if lucky, survive them.
• Prayers are always answered. The answer is usually no.
• The race is not always to the swift, but that's the way to bet.
• The best revenge is not living well. The best revenge is revenge.
• A rose by any other name would still attract aphids.
• Someday your ship will come in, but you'll be at the airport.
• A bird in the hand can be messy.

Signs Of The 2012


Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.


My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.


For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.


Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


A closed mouth gathers no feet.


If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.


Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.


Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.


Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.


No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.


Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.


There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.


Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.


Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.


Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

 

Top 10 Advantages of Being Asian

You can pretend you don't speak English when you're around stupid people. 

Everyone asks your advice on computers, cameras, carryout, VCRs, Toyotas and Karate. 

You look enough like Bruce Lee that when you get in a fight, all you have to do is squint your eyes and howl to scare people. 

There are a lot more opportunities for casting in war movies. 

No one expects you to drive well. 

People mistake you for a Laundromat owner and bring you a lot of neat clothes. 

You can be from Ohio and still be considered "exotic" 

If you ever commit a crime, you can get good laughs when your description is passed around (black hair, brown eyes, glasses). 

You get people coming up to you all the time saying neat things in languages you don't speak. 

During times of way, you get free outdoor housing at a local house track.