Signs Of The 2012


Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.


My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.


For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.


Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


A closed mouth gathers no feet.


If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.


Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.


Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.


Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.


No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.


Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.


There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.


Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.


Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.


Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

 

Top 10 Advantages of Being Asian

You can pretend you don't speak English when you're around stupid people. 

Everyone asks your advice on computers, cameras, carryout, VCRs, Toyotas and Karate. 

You look enough like Bruce Lee that when you get in a fight, all you have to do is squint your eyes and howl to scare people. 

There are a lot more opportunities for casting in war movies. 

No one expects you to drive well. 

People mistake you for a Laundromat owner and bring you a lot of neat clothes. 

You can be from Ohio and still be considered "exotic" 

If you ever commit a crime, you can get good laughs when your description is passed around (black hair, brown eyes, glasses). 

You get people coming up to you all the time saying neat things in languages you don't speak. 

During times of way, you get free outdoor housing at a local house track.

TO DO IN SPACE STATION

The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station

Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.

Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.

Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can't Eat Just One!

Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.

When the NASA camera is off, dance around to "Blue Jean" by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.

Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.

Don't move, don't touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).

Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA's computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.

Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.

Watch All of Pauly Shore's movies...try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.

WHEN I'M A LITTLE OLD LADY...

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.

To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....just the way that they lived with me!