Actual Excerpts From Classified Sections of Newspapers

• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
• For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

• Never squat with yer spurs on.
• There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
• Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Stupid Tricks for Points

Betcha can't score more than 15 points by the end of the day!

One-Point Gags

• Ignore the first five people who say 'Good morning' to you.
• In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
• Run one lap around the office at top speed.
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• Walk sideways to the photocopier.
• When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
• While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three-Point Gags

• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. (There must be a 'non-player' within sight).
• Page yourself over the intercom. (Do not disguise your voice).
• Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five-Point Gags

• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "Ya wanna trade?"
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem. (Extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
• While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
• In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am "See how I look in tights."
• While an office colleague is out, move their chair into the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
• Tuck one pant leg into your sock and, when queried, answer "Not now" and walk away.
• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

Useful Work Phrases

• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

You Might Be A Physics Major ...

• if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
• if you enjoy pain.
• if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
• if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
• if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
• if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
• if you always do homework on Friday nights.
• if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
• if you think in "math."
• if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
• if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
• if you have a pet named after a scientist.
• if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
• if you can translate English into Binary.
• if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
• if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
• if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
• if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
• if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
• if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
• if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
• if you understood more than five of these indicators.
• if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

The Laws Of Golfing

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. (See Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Oxymorons

 

An Oxymoron is a figure of speech that puts together two contradictory terms. Even the word "oxymoron" is itself one, because it comes from combining the Greek words for "sharp" (oxy) and "dull" (moros). Check out the list below to find some rediculous word pairings often found in common speech.

Act naturally                                      
Advanced BASIC
Almost exactly
Alone together
American English
Authentic replica
Awfully good

Bad luck
Baked Alaska
Bittersweet
Black light
Blank expression
Business ethics
Butthead

California expressway
Cardinal sin
Christian Scientist
Civil war
Classic novel
Classically modern
Clearly confused
Cold comfort
Communist leader
Conspicuous absence
Constant change
Cowardly lion
Criminal justice

Deafening silence
Death benefits
Definite maybe
Deliberate thoughtlessness
Down escalator
Dry wine
Dynamic equilibrium

Eloquent silence
European Community
Evaporated milk
Even odds
Exact estimate
Extensive briefing
Extinct life
Eyes Wide Shut

Fairly dark
Famous Belgians
Feminine logic
Forgotten memories
Found missing
Free love
Freezer burn
Fresh-frozen
Friendly fire
Front end
Fun run
Fuzzy logic

Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Government service
Great Britain
Great Depression
Guest host

Hell's Angels
Highly underestimated
Holy war
Homeless shelter
Hopelessly optimistic

Idiot savant
Ill health
Include me out
Industrial park
Instant classic
Intense apathy

Job security
Jumbo shrimp

Least favorite
Light heavyweight
Liquid gas
Little giant
Live recording
Living dead
Loosely packed
Loose tights

Make haste slowly
Managed competition
Microsoft Works
Mild abrasive
Mild enthusiasm
Military intelligence
Minor crisis
Modern history

Natural additives
Noble savage
Non-alcoholic beer
Non-working mother
Normal deviation
Nothing much
Numb feeling

Oddly appropriate
Old news
Only choice
Open secret
Original copy

Paid volunteer
Paperless ofice
Passive aggression
Peace force
Peace offensive
Peacekeeper missile
Plastic wood
Positively cynical
Press release
Pretty ugly
Pronounced silence

Random order
Rap music
Real potential
Recorded live
Resident alien
Rock opera
Rolling stop

Safe sex
Safety hazard
Same difference
Second best
Serious fun
Short distance
Silent scream
Simply confusing
Skinny broad
Socialist market economy
Soft rock
Spendthrift
Standard deviation
Stand down
Still life
Still moving
Strangely familiar
Sure bet
Sweet sorrow

Taped live
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
True Lies
True story

Unacceptable solution
Unbiased opinion
Uncrowned king
United Nations
Unsung hero

Vaguely aware
Virtual Reality
Voluntary Compliance

War games
Wholesome
Working vacation

41 Things Men Know

41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.

100 Ways to Be a Man

100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing

1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike".
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line,: "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: you are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
13. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
14. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.
15. If you don't like a girl but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like: "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
16. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
17. If, GOD FOrbiD, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call, then refer back to Rule 1.
22. Say things like "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked them out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everything. Everything.
26. Good break up line: "it's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex: "don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to eradicate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: if whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye colour.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.
59. You are male, therefore you are superior.
60. Agenda for a boring evening: get beer, drink beer, play with yourself, have sex, drink more beer, pass out.
61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
62. Don't ever notice anything.
63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: quantity, not quality.
65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: quantity IS quality.
66. Lie.
67. If you cheat on a girl but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?
69. If the question begins with "why", the answer is "I don't know."
70. Women are your napkins. Use them and throw them away.
71. Remember: every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault - not you.
73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so". If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.
76. Other people's pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
77. Lie.
78. General Rule: different is BAD.
79. If anyone asks you for a favour:- (a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it; (b) remind them of this huge favour you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
81. If you do something really mean to a girl and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask: "is something wrong?"
82. Three words: "let's be friends". Translation: "I never want to speak to you again but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend."
83. Lie.
84. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say: "God, I was such a pimp back then."
86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell (true story).
87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
89. Practice your blank stare.
90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
91. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say: "SEE? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like: "no, Baby, I was BORN like this!"
94. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd or Oldies.
95. Beer, Then more beer.
96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97. One word: FOOTBALL!
98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we?
99. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".
100. Lie again