GENDER JOKES

Men vs. Women

 

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A  man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Mr. or Mrs. Computer

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or"She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computers cientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
1.  No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.  The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going totell you".
4.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were   male.  Their reasons follow:
1.  They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2.  They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3.  As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5.  Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

On The Job Training

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".

The third man married a school teacher.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary,you're not sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minute sare up, your three minutes are up."

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. Theman opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst,asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

Secrets of a Successful Date

Before you leave your house...
1. Put on a little too much cologne.

2. Before you leave home, fill your pockets with mints. When your date says something to you when she's really close, give her a mint. EX: Girl - ''This movie sure is romantic.'' Guy - ''Here's a mint, now what did you say?''
When you go to pick her up:
1. When you get to her door, don't knock or ring the doorbell, just go on in. She's expecting you.
2. Call her parents by their first names.
3. If she asks you how she looks, and her parents are nearby, tell her she looks sexy.
4. When introducing yourself to her parents, tell them that you prefer to go by your gang name.
5. Always look nice when you meet the parents. wear a new Marlboro jacket and be sure to tell them how many Marlboro bucks it took to get it. Parents smile upon a man that can save his Marlboro money.
6. Show respect. Take your Fubu cap and matching coat off when you enter the house. Make sure you wear your cap and coat in the summer too. If her parents ask why, tell them that you're ''keepin' it real.''
On the way to wherever:
1. Do NOT let her touch the radio or the air conditioner. You are the man, make sure she knows that.
2. If she makes up for lost time by putting on her lipstick in the car, gently tap the brakes at the same time the lipstick touches her mouth.
3. Check out the girl in the other car while at the stoplight.
4. If you pick the girl up from home at 6:45, have someone call you on the cell phone at 7:00 and talk to them till you get to your destination, this way you won't have to worry about what to say to her.
5. Drive ten miles BELOW the speed limit.
6. Develop a really bad Pee Wee Herman impression and talk to her through it.
When you arrive at your destination:
1. If you go to the movies, flirt with the girl at the ticket counter.
2. If you go to a restaurant, say you're really hungry. Let her order first. Since you'll be eating heavy, she'll probably order a big meal, too. When she finishes, order a small coke and a box of McDonaldland cookies.
3. If you get nervous, just pretend that she's one of your guy friends. At the end of the meal, say ''Boy, you ate everything but the table.'' Say it with confidence.
4. Be classy. If you eat at McDonald's, leave a tip.
On the way back to her house: Take your cell phone and call another girl. Ask her to do something with you in about an hour.

Into A Bar it’s Friday !!!!!!

An fish walks into a bar and orders a scotch and water and tells the bartender to, "Hold the scotch, and bring it in a large bowl."

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7 and 2."

A homophobe, a rapist and a black guy walks into a bar. Everyone's like, "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"

A girl walks into a bar in the Castro section of San Fransico, wearing nothing but a smile, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender tells her, "you may want to cover up first." She gets huffy and says, "What's the matter, you don't approve of the City's clothing optional policy?" The bartender says, "No, I'm fine with it, its just that the guy before you was itching and scratching the whole time!"

An electrician walks into a bar all amped up and is shocked when the bartender refuses him regular service.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

A pig walks into a bar, the bartender says "What'll it be?" The pig replies, "A pint of guinea's please."

A Rolex walks into a bar and buys drinks for eveybody. Pretty soon the place is rockin and the good times are flowing. The crowd starts a conga line and they pass the Rolex from the front to the back, until the last guy gets it and throws it back to the person in front. "Wow," says the bartender, "Time does fly when you're having fun!"

A 30's something woman walks into a bar and orders four dirty martinis. "Why four?" the bartender asks. She smiles at him and says, "It's Girls Night Out and I am going to tell my husband that I bought the first round!"

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

A guy walks into a bar right at quitting time and orders one drink after another. The bartender gets concerned and asks the guy, "Problems at work, pal?" The guy says "Yeah; I'm a personal trainer at Planet Fitness and they let me go today because they said 'I just wasn't working out.'".

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

A woman walks into bar and sits next to a handsome man. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together, and go back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that a wall in his bedroom is completely filled with three shelves of soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears on three shelves carefully placed in rows and lovingly arranged. She is immediately touched by the amount of thought he had in organizing his collection, with the small bears on the bottom and the huge enormous bears along the top shelf. That such as large, masculine man should be so caring and sensitive it beyond belief. They share a bottle of wine and talk and after awhile, she thinks, 'Oh my God! maybe this is the one! The future father of my children?' They kiss, the passion builds and they make their way back to the bedroom for a night of mad passionate lovemaking. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they lie there together in the warm afterglow and she gently asks while stroking his hairy chest, 'Well, how was it?' The sensitive guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

A lesbian walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We have a new liquor in today!" The lesbian says, "That's great! I'd love to meet her!" 

A really big Chia pet walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "What’ll it be?" The Chia pet says, "Anything but water!"

An anagramist walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the clean fog?"

A drunk walks into a bar and the bartender asks me what I want.

Two vegetarians walk into a bar and order drinks. Pretty soon they start arguing loudly about beans, really, and the bartender steps into settle it. "Heh," he says, "I've got no beef with either of you! Just soy long as neither of you hold a grudge, why don't you just end it now since there's not much at steak?" They both agreed and left, saying "Lettuce meat again next week over brunch."

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.

A spook and a skeleton both walk into a bar and order drinks. Right off the bartender refuses the skeleton service. "Heh, why me?" asks the skeleton. The barkeep relies, "Because you can't hold your liquor!" He then turns to the spook and says, "There's not a ghost of a chance I will serve you, either!" "Careful," says the spook "that could come back to haunt you!"

A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh by the jukebox. He calls over, “Hey, Van Gogh! Want a drink?” and Van Gogh replies “No, thanks. I’ve got one ‘ere.”

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.

Heisenberg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."

The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."

Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why, there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."

Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency.

Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening.

Erwin Schroedinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Decartes left but at the same time did not leave.

Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going.

James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam.

Charles Darwin was waiting to see what would evolve.

Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating.

Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current.

Eli Whitney said, "I believe I will have another gin."

Sir Isaac Newton pondered the gravity of the situation.

Robert Goddard said the situation was not rocket science.

Archimedes didn't participate. He was out having a screw.

Georg Ohm, though he resisted answering, did provide a tasty treat for the crowd. Everyone loved Ohm's Slaw.

Max Karl Ernst Ludwig Planck thought it a constant drain of energy to contemplate the disappearance.

Gaston Plante thought Descartes should be put in a cell for battery.

William Sturgeon and Joseph Henry made a good gauss at where Descartes had gone.

Johann Salomo, Christoph Schweigger, and Jacques Arsene d'Arsonval were galvanized into instant action.

Both Mr. and Mrs. Curie thought that Descartes had a radiating personality, even after his disappearance.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender sees this and says, "Get out! We can't serve you here!". The pirate replies, "Arr, is it because I've got a Bounty on me head?"

John Hurt walks into a bar, with that alien emerging from his chest. The bartender asks, "What's gotten into you?"

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. 

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain."

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!"

A pregnant woman walks into a bar, and is soon approached by a guy who says, "Can I sit here with you? She says, "No, I'm expecting someone."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A man walks into a English pub and asks how much for a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate. The bartender says "That's 80p." 

After a long's day work, two termites crawl into a tavern for a drink. The tiredest one asks the waiter, "Is the bar tender, here?" The waiter answers, " I wooden know." His buddy, ticked off at the bad pun, beats him to a pulp, until the tired one passes out and starts to saw logs.

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

A Canadian guy walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. The says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a bar. After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says "I'm sorry, but I can't let you come in here without a Thai."

Quotes About Dogs

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love themselves.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.

Ever wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult? 

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog.

If your dog is fat, YOU aren't getting enough exercise.

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'

Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole. 

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am.

Laws of Physics for Cats

If physics even applies to them...

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there's a good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All clothing attracts cat hair in direct proportion to the degree of color difference between the cat hair and the fabric color.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make its body long enough to reach just about any countertop which has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state if a cat is present.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Comfort Seeking
A cat will will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat as soon as possible.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the furniture's cost.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them.

Law of Cat Probability (Cat’s Uncertainty Principle)
It isn't possible to predict where a cat actually is, only where it “might” be.

Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can’t hear a simple command three feet away.

Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat’s mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.

Womanly Etiquette

The following is from an actual 1950s home economics textbook
intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for
married life. 

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have
a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know
that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about
his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the
prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon
in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot
of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more
interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part
of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up
school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the
tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest
and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the
children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair,
and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little
treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children
to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems or complaints.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor
compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable
chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm
drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off
his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice.
Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but
the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you
out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try
to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to
be home and relax.

10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order
where your husband can relax.

 

Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if
he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet
to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless
drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the
word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words.
"Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are
you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows
why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A
99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to
hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear
bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they
have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a
big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him
go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within
a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.
"Socks" "Shorts" "Cups" "Saucers" "Door" "Lock" "Sink"... You
get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #7:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on
the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have
parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #8:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane
tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The
challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #9:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will
not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century
Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #10:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw.
If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens
when he gets a label maker.

Rule #11:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be
an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #12:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins,
or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred
feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Men vs. Women

Relationships:

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart
out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All
Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and
say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll
never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.
But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone
call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need.

Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back
to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read
a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Grocies:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to
the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's
car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him
from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in
a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put
on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off
because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk
about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear
them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Cats:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and
dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV.
One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh,
gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and
actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he
will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will
wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his
mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw
in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe
Garagiola's head.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.
The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys
aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves,
and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk
for three hours.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get
older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and
impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car
phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers.
Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games.
Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take
photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up
taking better pictures.

Locker rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.

Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has
been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared
nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why
men hate him.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more
than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says
the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is
counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great
movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that
size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia
guys", etc...

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations
with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the
roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good
restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Friends:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most
of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a
restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the
history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant
table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do
you want to join me?"

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