Rules For The Bosses

1.Don't ever give me work in the morning. Always wait until at least 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every ten minutes or so to inquire how it's going. That really does help. Better yet, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without letting anyone know where you're going. It gives me the opportunity to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training should I ever be injured and lose all of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't specify which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere else to go or anything else to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If word gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be the topic of conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, just save them until the job is almost done. There's no use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Only be nice to me when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's refreshing to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check your received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating, with a cost of living increase. I'm not really here for the money anyhow.


     

A dog's chalkboard assignments

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.

2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.

3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;

4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.

5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.

6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).

7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;

Know because of TV

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV


If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.


If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.


All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.


All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.


It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.


Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.


The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.


You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.


Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.


The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.


People of TV never finish their drinks.


A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.


The chief of police is always black.


When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.


If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.


Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.


During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.


Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.


Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.


Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.


A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.


If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.


Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.


Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.


All single women have a cat.


Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.


Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.


One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.


Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.


If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"


Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.


It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.


During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.


When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.


Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.


Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.


When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.


Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.


No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.


If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.


You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.


Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.


Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.


Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.


All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.


It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.


Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.


Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.


A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.


If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING

That green tarp covering your pool? You DON'T have a tarp on your pool.

- Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

- That guy from Sunset Boulevard is REALLY beginning to smell gamey.

- pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

- Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

- Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.

- New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.

- Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.

- Luke Skywalker and Yoda appear in search of the sunken X-Wing.

- The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

- "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.

- You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.

- Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at pool side.

- Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray.

- You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.

- The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money.