MORE FAMILY JOKES DON’T YOU LOVE THEM

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
'To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.'
The lawyer continued, 'To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
The lawyer concluded, 'And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!'

Genuine advert. in New York Newspaper

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannia. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything by now.

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Deer hunter and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint,", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite," said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's stupid one!"

Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband:
"So, how do I look?"
"Well, at least you tried..."

A husband and wife are eating soup. the wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.
When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seat belt fastened.
Isn't that right, lady?" She replied,
"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives....
"I'll never amount to anything in life..," said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.."
"Well...that's not too bad," replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?"
"New York City..."

A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

Husband: everytime I hit you, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............
Husband: How does it help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!

- Mum,can I dress a bra?
- No.
- Why not.I am 14 years old!
- How many times I will say you "no", Michael...

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & died.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

A man and woman doing staff in bed after midnight. At one point they hear a car noise and a strong brake.
Woman : Take your staff and run on the window. I think that`s my husband.
The man panics, jumps out of bad , takes his clothes from all over the place, and jumps on the window.
After a while the same guy with his clothes knocks at the door :

Hey wife, I think we are a little bit stressed.

A women has three daughters, one came up to her and asked, "Mommy, why did you name me Rose?"
The mother answered, "Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."
Another daughter came up and asked, "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"
The mother answered, "Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The last daughter came up, "Gahhhhhh!"
"Shut up Fridge!"

Boy: Mommy can i go swimming?
Mommy: No because there are sharks in the water.
Boy: But daddy is swimming.
Mommy: Yeah,but daddy has insurance.

A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster.
When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it.
One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I wasn't looking after it?"
The child replied, "Um, I don't know. Once?"

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

A man finds a genie lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double."
The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars.
The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses.
The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git."

A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, 'Mother of Six', in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?

RANDOM JOKES ENJOY

My wife was visiting a friend and saw a small vase on the mantelpiece. She commented that it’s a beautiful vase. Her friend replied,”Oh thanks, those are my husbands ashes!” My wife was taken aback, “Oh, I didn’t know he was dead.” Her friend smiled, “he isn’t, he smokes and can never find the ashtray.”

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe across the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.
The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."

Boy: Mommy can i go swimming?
Mommy: No because there are sharks in the water.
Boy: But daddy is swimming.
Mommy: Yeah,but daddy has insurance.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A woman went shopping. She walks to checkout counter and then the salesman packs all her groceries: milk, cheese, orange juice, half of bread, bar of soap, toothpaste...
All of a sudden the salesman asks her:
- You're single, aren't you?
A bit surprised woman smiles and answers:
- That's right, but how did you guessed that?
- Because you're so ugly.

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive' ...
I took her to a petrol station ...

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Boy: Mommy can i go swimming?
Mommy: No because there are sharks in the water.
Boy: But daddy is swimming.
Mommy: Yeah,but daddy has insurance.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Husband: everytime I hit you, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............
Husband: How does it help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, 'Mother of Six', in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."

A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

A man finds a genie lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double."
The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars.
The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses.
The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."

Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband:
"So, how do I look?"
"Well, at least you tried..."

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.
When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seat belt fastened.
Isn't that right, lady?" She replied,
"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & died.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

A man and woman doing staff in bed after midnight. At one point they hear a car noise and a strong brake.
Woman : Take your staff and run on the window. I think that`s my husband.
The man panics, jumps out of bad , takes his clothes from all over the place, and jumps on the window.
After a while the same guy with his clothes knocks at the door :

Hey wife, I think we are a little bit stressed.

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
'To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.'
The lawyer continued, 'To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
The lawyer concluded, 'And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!'

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster.
When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it.
One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I wasn't looking after it?"
The child replied, "Um, I don't know. Once?"

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git."

- Mum,can I dress a bra?
- No.
- Why not.I am 14 years old!
- How many times I will say you "no", Michael...

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?

A women has three daughters, one came up to her and asked, "Mommy, why did you name me Rose?"
The mother answered, "Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."
Another daughter came up and asked, "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"
The mother answered, "Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The last daughter came up, "Gahhhhhh!"
"Shut up Fridge!"

A husband and wife are eating soup. the wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"

Genuine advert. in New York Newspaper

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannia. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows f## king everything.

Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives....
"I'll never amount to anything in life..," said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.."
"Well...that's not too bad," replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?"
"New York City..."

Deer hunter and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint,", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite," said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"

A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"

Know because of TV

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV


If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.


If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.


All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.


All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.


It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.


Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.


The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.


You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.


Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.


The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.


People of TV never finish their drinks.


A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.


The chief of police is always black.


When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.


If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.


Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.


During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.


Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.


Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.


Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.


A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.


If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.


Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.


Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.


All single women have a cat.


Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.


Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.


One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.


Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.


If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"


Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.


It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.


During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.


When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.


Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.


Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.


When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.


Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.


No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.


If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.


You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.


Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.


Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.


Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.


All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.


It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.


Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.


Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.


A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.


If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING

That green tarp covering your pool? You DON'T have a tarp on your pool.

- Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

- That guy from Sunset Boulevard is REALLY beginning to smell gamey.

- pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

- Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

- Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.

- New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.

- Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.

- Luke Skywalker and Yoda appear in search of the sunken X-Wing.

- The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

- "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.

- You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.

- Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at pool side.

- Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray.

- You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.

- The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money.

A Childs View Of A Retirement

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.

One small boy's reply went like this:

We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.

They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.

As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they don't know who they are.

My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house won't let them out.

REAL ANSWERS FROM EARTH SCIENCE EXAMS

The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants.

Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic.

The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease.

We don't have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we don't have oceans on Guam.

Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because it's too cold there.

The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds - they are intelligent.

We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon.

The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.

The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The "How Do I Look" Question


"That's a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago."


"I ain't seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town."


"Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind."


"Ssshhh, the games on right now..go look in the mirror, that's what its there for!!"


"Oh man, I'm gonna lose my lunch."


"Like the girl I was with yesterday."


"Like someone in dire need for some liposuction."


"Well, if I close my eyes, just like my previous, prettier girlfriend."


"How can I put this...MOOOOOOOOOOOOO