Thoughts from work

Thoughts and stories from on the job

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a
rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free."

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you
worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too". 

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder
with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said,
"Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and
demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet anotherconfused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly wheredo the copies come out from ? 

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's thelast time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death". 

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never
anybody around to appreciate it. 

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have
computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough
time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that
they don't have enuff time to do all their work.

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

Escapee definition: a fart that slips out while peeing or forcing poop in a
stall. this is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. this
is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. if you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. pretend it did not
happen. if you are next to the farter, pretend that you did not hear it. no one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. 

jailbreak (used in conjunction with escapee) definition: when forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. this is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. if this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred. 

courtesy flush definition: the act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. this reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. this can help you avoid being caught doing the walk of shame.
walk of shame definition: walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. this can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. as with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. can be avoided with the use of a courtesy
flush. 

out of the closet pooper definition: a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. you will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. always look around the office forthe out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom. 

the pooping friends network (pfn) definition: a group of coworkers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. this group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of out of the closet poopers and identify
safe havens. 

safe haven definition: a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. this will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
turd burglar definition: a pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. this is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. if this occurs, remainin the stall until the turd burglar leaves. this way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact. 

camo-cough definition: a phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. this can be used to cover-up a watermelon or
to alert potential turd burglars. very effective when used in conjunction with an astaire

astaire definition: a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential turd burglars that you are occupying a stall. this will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. if you hear an astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. 

watermelon definition: a turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. this is also an embarrassing incident. if you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. see camo-cough. 

havana omelet definition: a load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. often accompanied by an escapee. try using a camo-cough with an astaire. 

uncle ted definition: a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. an uncle ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. this benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. 

fly by definition: the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. walk in, check for other poopers. if there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. be careful not to become a frequent flyer. people may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. 

crack whore definition: a crapper that has seen more ass than a greyhound bus.
telltale signs of a crack whore include pubes, piss stains and s*** streaks. avoid crack whores at all cost. try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. don't forget, with a good cleaning, a crack whore can become a safe haven. 

frequent flyer definition: someone who keeps going in the bathroom to check if
it is empty. this always looks bad for that person. 

have you ever heard of the "drag bunt?"- that is when you are walking by a bunch of people and farting the whole time, dragging it by the unknowing victims.

Job Performance Reviews

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change which ever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

The History Of Casual Day

Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. 

Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

Play the Office Game

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree
to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: 

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your
mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just
called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. 

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I
don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
 
FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude
with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch
into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing
irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the
report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter,
"Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
 
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about
it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very
important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

Actual Business Signs In USA

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it." 

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" 

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
Church." 

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." 

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you
can come here?" 

In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of
aunts."

You know you are a teacher if...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

You have no life between August to June.

When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

ARE YOU AN ENGINEER?

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.

If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal
point in the right place.

If you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids' toys.

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging
coats and taping ducts.

If you window shop at Radio Shack

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and
your camera's flash attachment.

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

If you own 'Official Star Trek' anything.

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
reactor.

If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

If you truly believe aliens are living among us.

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.

If you have more toys than your kids.

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work, and you rush up to
the front to fix it.

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and have seen most of the shows already

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.

If you did the sound system for your senior prom.

If your checkbook always balances.

If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

If you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.

If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
enough sleep.

If you spend more on your home computer than your car.

If you know what http:/ stands for.

If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory.

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or
Chinese, pizza, beer, etc).

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

The Top 16 Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work

16. "Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy -- I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'."

15. "I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on."

14. "We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?"

13. "It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit."

12. "I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulsies by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge."

11. "My proctologist got stuck."

10. "It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today, so I've spent the last hour swimming."

9. "I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction."

8. "Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out on high as I am."

7. "Sorry, sir.  I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss."

6. "Heidi Klum refused to untie me."

5. "On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-sensitive sore gel."

4. "I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts."

3. "It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning...  Sir."

2. "My dog ate my presentation, sir.  And by 'my dog' I mean your wife, and by 'ate my presentation' I mean 'was boinking me'."

1. "These are not the 'droids you're looking for."

Top 25 Engineers' Terms and Expressions

What they say versus what they mean... 

1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.) 

2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.) 

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.) 

4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!) 

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.) 

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!) 

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.) 

9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.) 

10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.) 

11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.) 

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.) 

13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your baloney.) 

14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.) 

15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.) 

16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.) 

17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so) 

18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged) 

19. Years of development. (One finally worked) 

20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.) 

21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix) 

22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix) 

23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.) 

24. We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!) 

25. I didn't get your e-mail.

The Office Diet

How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing 

Much Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 

Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 

Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 

Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 

Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 

Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300

Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 

Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 

Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 

Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 

Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 

Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 

Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 

Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 

Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 

Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 

Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 

Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 

Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 

Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 

Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12 

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: 

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 

Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 

Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 

Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 

Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350 

Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6 

Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 35

Realtor Doubletalk

Ever read realty ads and see all the nice things they say about the homes for sale - but read between the lines to find out what the ads are really describing:

Handyman's Delight - Really a handyman's nightmare! Better tear the place down and re-build from scratch.

Great neighborhood near conveniences - on a noisy, busy street.

Near playground where street gangs congregate at night. Houses are so close you can hear your neighbors breathing.

Acerage included - High taxes, high taxes, high taxes!

With a little imagination, this could be your dream house - see Handyman's delight

Income potential - If you want to invest a Donald Trump sized bank account, you can convert this into rental property. Good luck trying to collect from your deadbeat tenants.

Appliances included - but they don't work. You'll have to buy new ones anyway and be burdened with disposing of the old ones

Nobody gives up a good freezer, stove, washer or refrigerator.

Excellent starter home - it's so small (how small is it?) you'll break the back window when you put the key in the front door.

Extensive deferred maintenance throughout - see handyman's delight.

Custom design - see entropy at work. This has a sunken living room - literally. 

The kitchen had slid 50 feet down the hillside after the last heavy rainfall. 

Skylights are really holes in theroof left by a hurricane. Heated pool in cellar is created bythe leaking water heater.

For the discriminating buyer - You must have Bill Gates' income.

Has floors, roof and windows - Wow! I always wanted those ammenities.

Has possibilities - see handyman's delight.

Peace and privacy - A hundred miles from anywhere. No electricity, indoor plumbing or central heat. Chipmunks, mosquitoes and bears are your closest neighbors.

Spacious, with catherdral ceiling - Think about fuel bills when trying to heat this monstrosity!

On corner lot - Pedestrians, bikers and vehicular traffic make short-cuts across your front lawn.

A great fixer-upper - Ever see the movie "The Money Pit"?

Be the frist to see this one - It's been on the market six years without an offer.

Has the elegance and charm of yesteryear - see Peace and Privacy & Handyman's Delight.

Translations Gone Bad

The following our signs seen overseas where the actual message of the signs became somewhat lost in the english translation.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Belgrade elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 & 11 am daily.

In a formal Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel for skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On a menu in a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Tokyo hotel:

Please take advantage of the chambermaids.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:

For your convenience we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

In a Hong Kong dress shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:

A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:

In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.

In Germany's Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men & women, live together in one tent unless they are married for that purpose.

An ad by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A Russian chess book:

A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:

Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.

On a box of a clockwork toy in Hong Kong:

Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan:

Stop---Drive sideways.

Swiss mountain inn:

Special today--no ice cream.

Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

A notice in a Japanese hotel (ca. 1950):

Please not to steal towels. If you are not person to do such, please not to read notice.

Office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find that they are best in the long run.

Japanese instructions on an air conditioner:

Cooles & Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

English well talking. Here speeching American.

A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic:

No smoothen the lion

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire:

If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

In a Japanese restaurant (ca. 1950):

We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.

WACKY JOB INTERVIEWS

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

An applicant fell and broke his arm during the interview.

A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger
and french fries in the interviewer's office.

An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.

A candidate said he had never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes
later wearing a hairpiece.

An applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by
having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to
answer specific interview questions.

A candidate brought a large dog to interview.

An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed while
standing up.

One candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "Most unusual" questions that have
been asked by job candidates.

"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"

Lingo interpertation

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you. 

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED": Female Applicants must be childless (and remain  that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE": You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company
in perpetual chaos. 

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you
listen, figure out what they want and do it.