funny pictures

25 Funny Comebacks to question "Why aren't you married yet?"

1. You haven't asked yet.

2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

3. What? And spoil my great sex life?

4. Nobody would believe me in white.

5. Because I just love hearing this question.

6. Just lucky, I guess.

7. It gives my mother something to live for.

8. My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.

9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.

13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.

22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

23. Why aren't you thin?

24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

A Childs View Of A Retirement

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.

One small boy's reply went like this:

We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.

They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.

As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they don't know who they are.

My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house won't let them out.

REAL ANSWERS FROM EARTH SCIENCE EXAMS

The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants.

Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic.

The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease.

We don't have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we don't have oceans on Guam.

Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because it's too cold there.

The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds - they are intelligent.

We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon.

The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.

The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The "How Do I Look" Question


"That's a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago."


"I ain't seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town."


"Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind."


"Ssshhh, the games on right now..go look in the mirror, that's what its there for!!"


"Oh man, I'm gonna lose my lunch."


"Like the girl I was with yesterday."


"Like someone in dire need for some liposuction."


"Well, if I close my eyes, just like my previous, prettier girlfriend."


"How can I put this...MOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Black belt degrees

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt

Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

Escape from Dojo

The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.

Sleeper Stance

Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.

Sigh of Wisdom

Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.

Crossing Fingers

A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.

Gift of Instruction

The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.

Seeing Without Seeing

The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.

Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)

Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.

Mugger's Defense

Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.

Sensei's Downfall

Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.

Further requirements:

Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).

Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.

Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.

Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.

Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.

Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).

Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).

Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.

Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.

Must be able to sing Karaoke.

Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)

Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).

Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".

Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.

Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.

Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.

Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note:

Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.

How drunk are you? Official drinking test

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.

2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.

3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.

4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.

5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.

Question answer values

For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.

Results

For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.

For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.

For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.

For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.

For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.

Men writing the rules

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

The 5 toughest questions!

The 5 toughest questions!

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers...

The questions are:

1.What are you thinking about?

2.Do you love me?

3.Do I look fat?

4.Do you think she is prettier than me?

5.What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: A. I suppose so. B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? C. That depends on what you mean by love. D. Does it matter? E. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: A. Compared to what? B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. C. A little extra weight looks good on you. D. I've seen fatter. E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: A. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?

Man: Definitely not!

W: Why not, don't you like being married?

M: Of course I do.

W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

M: Okay, I'd get married again.

W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

M: Yes, I would.

W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

M: Where else would we sleep?

W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.

POLICE MANUAL

·       "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

 ·       "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

·       "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

·   "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or i'll give you another ticket."
 

·       "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

·       "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

·       "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

·       "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

·       "Just how big were those two beers?

·     "In God we trust, all others are suspects."