Here's some awfully funny, sarcastic and witty quotes:
·
You are
not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
·
Now we
know why some animals eat their own children.
·
Please,
keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
·
Talk is
cheap, but that's okay, so are you.
·
If we
killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder, it would be an
apocalypse!
·
This is
an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
·
I'm busy
now. Can I ignore you some other time?
·
When I
look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
·
A sharp
tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
·
Anyone
who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
·
Are you
always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
·
Do you
want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to
like you?
·
Don't let
your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
·
Don't
thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
·
Don't you
realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you
putting in so much effort to give us another?
·
He always
finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
·
I bet you
get bullied a lot.
·
I can
tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
·
I don't
know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
·
I don't
mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
·
I don't
think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of
others.
·
I know
you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
·
I like
you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
·
I used to
think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower
opinion of you.
·
I will
defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
·
I would
have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
·
I'd like
to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far
up your ass.
·
If you
were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
·
I'm glad
to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
·
I'm
impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
·
I've come
across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
·
Pardon
me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
·
People
would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
·
She's the
first in her family born without tail.
·
That man
is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
·
There are
several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all
of them.
·
What he
is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
·
Whatever
it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
·
What's
wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
·
You are
not even beneath my contempt.
·
You are
not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely
different and far worse way.
·
You grow
on people, but so does cancer.
·
You have
an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
·
You
should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
·
You would
never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your
best.
·
Your mind
isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
·
You're a
habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.
Lessons To Be Learned - The 5-Minute
Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door
neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop
that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.. The
woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to
the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door
neighbor she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything
about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical
information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The
priest nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her
leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed
his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The
nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized
'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun
sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the
priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up,
you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well
informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking
to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you
just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be
in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in
the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.
'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's
gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager
says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have
the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on
the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped
on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing
nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the
energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung,
and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of
the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out
of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Crap might get you to
the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the
ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and
dropped some dung on him.. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow
dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing
him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for
joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits
on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of
shit is your friend; and
(3) When you're in deep crap, it's best
to keep your mouth shut!
This Ends The 5 Minute Management
Course
Labor
Relations Jokes
"I'd give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for
me!"
"You're on. Now, where is those thousand dollars?"
"That is your first worry!"
A worker who was
being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck.
"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know,"
the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and
you never complained."
"Well, I don't
mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets
to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
We're overpaying him but he's worth it.
Sam Goldwyn
If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is
where the bus stops, what is a work station?
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his
salary depends upon his not understanding it.
Upton Sinclair
Why God Never Received Tenure at the University
- Because
he had only one major publication.
- And
it was in Hebrew.
- And
it had no cited references.
- And
it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer
review.
- And
some even doubt he wrote it himself.
- It
may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
- His
cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
- The
scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his
results.
- He
never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
- When
one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the
subjects.
- He
rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
- He
expelled his first two students for learning.
- Although
there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
- His
office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
- When
subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just
deleted them from the sample.
Boss, to four of his
employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you
go."
Black employee:
"I'm a protected minority."
Female employee:
"And I'm a woman."
Oldest employee:
"Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast
it'll make your head spin."
They all turn to
look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then
responds: "I think I might be gay..."
"I'm never going to work for that man again"
"Why, what did he say?"
"You're fired"
Four-word story of employment: Hired, tired, mired, fired.
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a
depression when you lose your own.
Harry S. truman
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me
the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
Sam Goldwyn
"Do you believe
in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes,
Sir." the employee replied.
"Well, then,
that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left
early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see
you."
A traveling salesman
was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he
was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.
The reply came back
shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."
Two women were
comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a
new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of
my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the
world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded,
"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."
A fellow stopped at
a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He
stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along
the roadside.
One man would dig a
hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind
and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
"Hold it, hold
it," the fellow said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on
here with this digging?"
"Well, we work
for the county government," one of the men said.
"But one of you
is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing
anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't
understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping
his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole,
Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea,"
piped up Mike. "Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn't mean we can't
work, does it?"
Negotiations between
union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that
their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the
bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition
of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick
yesterday!" There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill
employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator
broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what
kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
The manager of a
large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him.
"John,"
the new guy replied.
The manager scowled,
"Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before,
but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name
only - Smith, Jones, Baker ? that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr.
Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed
and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John,
the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the jobs it was too
cold to do in winter.
|
Office Timetable
|
|
9:00
|
Starting time
|
|
9:15
|
Arrive at work
|
|
10:00
|
Coffee break
|
|
11:00
|
Check e-mail
|
|
11:30
|
Prepare for lunch
|
|
12:00
|
Lunch
|
|
2:00
|
Browse the Internet
|
|
3:00
|
Tea break
|
|
3:30
|
Check e-mail again
|
|
4:00
|
Prepare to go home
|
|
4:45
|
Go home
|
|
5:00
|
Finishing Time
|
The boss came early in the morning one day and found an employee
kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you
for?"
The employee replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
Length of lunch breaks is directly proportional to the size of
pay packets.
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.
"There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after
you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of
the month than you did before.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be
promoted.
A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted
by its employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be
cut to $25.
The Pope has the best job in the world: he has one boss only,
and even him he meets after his death.
The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:
Bob Smith, my
assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
A memo was soon sent following the letter:
That idiot was
reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true
assessment of him.
One day a
fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in
the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was
enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a
businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress
of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to
find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a
living for himself and his family.
"You aren't
going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman,
"you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what
will my reward be?"
"Well, you can
get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still
smiling.
The businessman
replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will
then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was
beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You
can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was
getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing
boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for
you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was
red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you
can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You
can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the
sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still
smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right
now?"
When you have an
"I hate my job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at
the pharmacy, go to the thermometers section and purchase a rectal thermometer
made by "Best Thermo". Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home,
lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a
sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the
thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become
chipped or broken.
Take out the
material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in
small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Best
Thermo is personally tested." Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five
times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Best Thermo
Company."
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he
is supposed to be doing.
Robert Benchley
The reward for a job well done is more work.
Smart man + smart woman = romance.
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy.
Dumb man + smart woman = affair.
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage.
Smart boss + smart employee = profit.
Smart boss + dumb employee = production.
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime.
Employee's Ten Commandments
- If
at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If
you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
- Experience
is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For
every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Keep
your boss's boss off your boss's back.
- Success
always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- To
steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- The
sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- Don't
be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- If
you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good,
you will get out of it.
- A
conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- No
one is listening until you make a mistake.
- When
you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- Following
the rules will not get the job done.
- Everything
can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- Important
letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
- He
who hesitates is probably right.
- You
are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- People
who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
- No
matter how much you do, you never do enough.
- The
last person that was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes
wrong.
- When
the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about
themselves.
- Work
is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their
level of incompetence.
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
When I make a mistake, I am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.
Tips for managers and bosses
- Never
give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The
challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
- If
it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
- Always
leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to
be creative when someone asks where you are.
- If
my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door
for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
is good training.
- If
you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me
guess.
- Do
your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go
or anything to do.
- If
a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
- If
you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversation.
- If
you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact,
save them until the job is almost done.
- Be
nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your
life.
Ten Signs You Need a Really Long Vacation
- You
lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
- You
get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
- You
refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
- You
find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
- You
normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant
in town within the same week.
- You
think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing
a project" are acceptable English phrases.
- You
know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door
neighbors.
- You
ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday
night plans.
- You
think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a
matrix.
- You
think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
Ten Signs You Are "Burned
Out" Because of Work
- Your
garbage can is your "in" box.
- You
sleep more at work than at home.
- Your
Day Timer exploded a week ago.
- You're
so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
- You
leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
- You
have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
- Visions
of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
- You
think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
- You
wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you
just don't care.
- Your
friend calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get
off my back, jerk!"
The Ten If's You Need to Know to Get Along at Work
1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the Boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. if it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10.
If it's
Friday, FORGET IT!!!
Dictionary
of Performance Evaluation Comments
Accepts new job
assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make him feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson
Crusoe.
14 Signs the Company You Work for Is Going Under
- They
start paying everyone in sea shells.
- Company
President now driving a Ford Escort.
- Company
Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
- Conference
room has been turned into chinchilla farm.
- Dr.
Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
- The
Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover.
- The
beer supplied by the Company at picnics is in unlabeled cans.
- Your
boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.
- When
you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably.
- People
saying "Remember folks, we're not Downsizing, we're
Rightsizing!"
- The
women are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
- The
chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on
the staples!"
- Annual
Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local
Taco Bell.
- Your
CEO has a dart board marked with all existing departments in the Company.
Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters
- If
you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company
someday.
- Doing
a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen
times gives you job security.
- Sure,
you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
- A
person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.
- If
you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably
haven't completely understood the situation.
- Your
job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
- If
at first you don't succeed - try management.
- Never
put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- Teamwork
means never having to take all the blame yourself.
You Must be Working for a Hi-Tech Company If...
- Your
CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
- Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
- You're
already late on the assignment you just got.
- Your
supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- Your
relatives describe your job as "works with computers".
- Being
sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
- It's
dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
- You've
sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
companies.
- Contractors
outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
- Board
members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
- There's
no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is
short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants
advising your boss's boss on strategy.
I was sitting in the
waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse
walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir,
you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum
company."
About an hour later,
the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has
just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do you like
that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that
was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why
he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air, I work
for 7-UP."
