Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

New Republican Definitions

alternative energy sources
n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy
n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations

Cheney, Dick
n. The greater of two evils.

class warfare
n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change
n. The day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism
n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

DeLay, Tom
n. 1. Past tense of De Lie 2. Patronage saint.

democracy
n. So extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.

Fox News
fict. Faux news.

free markets
n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

God
n. Senior presidential adviser.

growth
n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.

gun control

n. The index finger, usually on the right hand. No other definitions or usage.

habeas corpus
n. Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).

healthy forest
n. No tree left behind.

honesty
n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march."

House of Representatives
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million.

laziness
n. When the poor are not working.

leisure time
n. When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s)
n. Followers of the Anti-christ.

neoconservatives
n. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.

9/11
n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy. (see Terra, Terra, Terra)

No Child Left Behind
riff. 1. v. There are always jobs in the military.

ownership society
n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

Patriot Act
n. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

pro-life
adj. Valuing human life until birth.

Senate
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million.

simplifiy
v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course
interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.
voter fraud
n. A significant minority turnout.

Wal-Mart
n. The nation-state, future tense.

water
n. Arsenic storage device.

You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can 
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

You Might Be A Democrat If...

• You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.
• You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
• You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
• You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
• You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
• You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
• You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
• You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
• You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
• You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
• You've never been mugged.
• You actually expect to collect Social Security.
• You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
• You think the Great Society has actually worked.
• You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.
• You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."
• You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
• Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
• You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
• Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
• You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
• You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
• You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
• You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
• You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
• You know at least one Vegan.
• You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
• You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
• You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.
• You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.
• You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
• You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
• You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
• You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
• You admire the Swedish welfare system.
• You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
• You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
• You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
• After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

Democrat Jokes and One-Liners

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

True facts

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

5. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
6. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

8. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.


9. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

13. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

16. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

17. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

18. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

19. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

20. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

21. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

22. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

23. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

24. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

25. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

26. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

27. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

29. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

30. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

31. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

32. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

33. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

34. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

35. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

36. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

37. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

38. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

39. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

40. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

41. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

42. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

43. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

44. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

45. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

46. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

47. Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

48. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

49. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

50. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Last half, last 50 out of Top 100:
51. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

52. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

53. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

54. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

55. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

56. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

57. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

58. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

59. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

60. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

61. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

62. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

63. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

64. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

65. When in doubt, mumble.

66. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

67. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

68. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

69. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

70. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

71. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

72. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

73. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

74. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

75. I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

76. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

77. I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

78. I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

79. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.


80. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

81. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

82. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

83. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

84. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

85. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

86. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

87. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

88. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

89. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

90. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

91. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

92. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

93. If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

94. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

95. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

96. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

97. Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

98. Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

99. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

100. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Your Urgent Help Needed

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

Bumper Stickers for Democrats

This One Is Voting For That One

I Can See Russia From My House

McPalin: A Bridge to Nowhere

Hey Sarah, I Can See the Moon from My Backyard, Does that Make Me An Astronaut?

McCain/Palin - Thanks, But No Thanks

Pregnant Unwed High School Dropouts for Palin

Abstinence-Only Education Really Works, Huh Sarah?

Free Levi

What's the Difference Between Palin and Bush? Lipstick

John McCain: Get Off My Lawn!

McCain/Palin: Incontinence and Incompetence

McCain/Palin: Unstable and Unable

Hey Sarah, I Can See the End of Your Political Career From My House!

If Sarah Palin Is Qualified, So Am I

Jesus Was a Community Organizer, Pontius Pilate Was a Governor

McSame/MILF

McSame As Bush

McAncient

Four More Wars!

Banned Any Good Books Lately, Sarah Palin?

No Country For Old Men

No You McCan't

Vote McCain…or the Vietcong Have Won

John McCain: More Wars, Less Jobs

McCain is a Fossil Fool

Sarah Palin, Dan Quayle with Lip Gloss

Sarah Palin, One Hockey Mom Who Should Puck Off

Somewhere in Alaska an Igloo Is Missing Its Idiot

John McCain, Like Bush, But Older

John McCain: Continue the Pain

John McCain: 100 Years of War in '08

Sarah Palin: Because John McCain Thinks You're An Idiot

Polar Bears Against Palin

Moose For Palin: Please Don't Send Her Back to Alaska

Horny Old Republicans for Sarah Palin

If I Owned 7 Houses, I'd Think the Economy Was Great Too!

Sarah, While You Were Looking at Russia, Maybe You Should Have Been Watching Your Daughter

Hey Palin, Can You See Reality from Alaska?

Hockey Mama for Obama

Barack the Vote

Barack's How I Roll

Got Hope?

Black is the New President

I Got a Crush on Obama

Bumper Stickers for Republicans

Coldest State, Hottest Governor

Pit Bulls For Palin

NObama

Yes Mac Can

Burly Men for Palin, Girlie Men for Biden

I Wanna Be Sarah's Intern!

McCain/Palin: A Hero and a Hottie

McMILF 2008

VPILF

No McCain = No Gain

Read My Lipstick: Vote McCain Palin

Vote Pistol-Packin' Mama '08

Omama

Sarah Is My Shero

The Palinator

Hope Is Not a Plan

The Audacity of Hype

I'm Voting for Sarah and That Guy's She's Running With

Todd Palin for Second Dude

Sarah Palin: Hockey Mom I'd Like to Puck

Our VP Is Hotter Than Yours

I'm Voting for the Hot Chick

Clinging to God and My Gun While I Vote Republican

Got Lipstick? McCain/Palin '08

Hockey Moms Say Puck Obama

If You Like Osama Vote Obama

Obama bin Lyin'

Obama For Change? That's All You'll Have Left In Your Pockets

Your Wallet: The One Place Democrats Are Willing to Drill

McCain '08: Proven Leadership So We Don't Have to Hope

Women seeking men

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
 

40-ish means: 48

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate means: Possessive

Artist means: Unreliable

Average looking means: You figure this one out

Beautiful means: Pathological liar

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin

Educated means: College dropout

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian

Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street

Free spirit means: Substance abuser

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun means: Annoying

Gentle means: Comatose

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her

Humorous means: Caustic

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Light drinker means: Lush

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel means: If you're paying

Loves Animals means: Cat lady

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Open-minded means: Desperate

Outgoing means: Loud

Passionate means: Loud

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reliable means: Frumpy

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light

Self-employed means: Jobless

Smart means: Insipid

Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

Stable means: Boring

Tall, thin means: Anorexic

Tan means: Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking

Widow Nagged means: first husband to death

Writer means: Pompous

Young at heart means: How about the rest

Quaylisms

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse
with those people."-- J. Danforth Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother andchild."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." --Vice President Dan Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. Ididn't live in this century."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,though.]

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- Vice
President Dan Quayle

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements
in the Future."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Public speaking is very easy."-- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --
Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Dan
Quayle, 9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

SOMETHING TO COOL DAWN IN SUMMER Snowboarding Lessons

When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.

I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.

This is because I went snowboarding.

For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."

People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.

We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).

If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.

At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.

So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.

In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.

Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.

Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.

You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)

We learned snowboarding via a two step method:

Step One: Watching Brad do something.

Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.

I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.

I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.

"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"

Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.

If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.