Marriage quotes

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single.".

Money Quotes

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. J. Paul Getty

A man explained inflation to his wife thus: 'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42.

There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.' Lord Barnett

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. Rita Rudner

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. Dorothy Parker

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. Errol Flynn

Why English Teachers Are Important

 

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Maria


Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,

Maria

Business one-liners

 

If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.

If it doesn't work, expand it.

If it happens, it must be possible.

If it is good, they will stop making it.

If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.

If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.

If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Marriage quotes 

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.

Wisdom in Phrases

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As

you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.