MORE FRESH IDEAS FOR YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...

This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling...

Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.

Hello... Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas please, with extra cheese... Oh, did I get the wrong number? Sorry about that. (Click.)

OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.

Mom, Dad... Don't you think it would be easier to reach me if I had a cellular phone? So how about an early birthday present?

Despite the best efforts of the telephone company, you really DID reach 555-1234. But that didn't help much, did it? You still have to talk to a machine.

Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're welcome!

Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it's good news, wait for the tone.

Someone stole our phone. So if you leave a message we'll run over to a neighbor's house and use their phone to call you back.

Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.")

(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!

Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.

(Strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.

I am gathering the world's largest collection of responses to an answering machine. If you would like to help, please leave a notarized copy of your name, number, and today's date at the sound of the beep. When I'm famous I'll remember all the little people like you that helped me achieve my greatness. I might even include you in my memoirs.

You might be calling to give me important information. If so, leave your information at the tone. Or perhaps you just want to have a casual conversation. If so, leave a message and I'll get back to you so we can have the conversation later. Or perhaps you want to know what I'm doing tonight, in which case it's the same thing I do every night. TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Hello. Here are my answers to last week's messages, in order of their arrival. Yes. Maybe. At seven. You'll get it tomorrow. For sure. Get me that phone number. Thanks, I take my messages on Mondays.

So! You've finally called. And I suppose you think I'll just be here. Well you're wrong. I gave up on that yesterday. Seventeen weeks is long enough. Waiting for you; staring at the phone; never going anywhere... Well I've had enough! I decided to get a real life, so I'm out testing lint removers for Ralph Nader. Now it's your turn. Leave a message at the beep and I might just get back to you -- if I survive my new job.

(Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars could be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, or Michael Jordan, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you!

(Annoying radio announcer's voice:) Congratulations! You have reached 555-1234, perhaps one of the most obnoxious answering machine messages in the greater Seattle area! If you don't know who you are dialing, HA! If you DO know who you are dialing, you were probably expecting something like this!

(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

(Aussie accent:) Hi, how 'ya goin', listen, I'm not here, but I tell ya what, this anserin' machine is so clever, I kid you not, if you don't leave a message -- it'll ring 'ya back and ask for one! Bye.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota.

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

Bad Literature

What were the authors thinking?

The confidence in his smile... that smile that pulled me in like ice cream melting down a cone. (Ann Howard Creel)

With the broken sob of a candy mugged infant, Brett rolled across the bed into the recently vacated hollow - a depression created by the recently departed Maria. 

Gerald began - but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash - to pee. (Jim Gleeson, Madison)

Danny, the little Grizzly cub, frolicked in the tall grass on this sunny Spring morning, his mother keeping a watchful eye as she chewed on a piece of a hiker they had encountered the day before. (Dave McKenzie, Federal Way)

As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual. (Dan McKay, Fargo)

Racing through space at unimaginable speeds, Capt. Dimwell could only imagine how fast his spaceship was going. (Gary Smith, Florissant)

When Detective Riggs was called to investigate the theft of a trainload of Native American fish broth concentrate bound for market, he solved the case almost immediately, being that the trail of clues led straight to the trainmaster, who had both the locomotive and the Hopi tuna tea. (Mitsy Rae, Danbury)

India, which hangs like a wet washcloth from the towel rack of Asia, presented itself to Tex as he landed in Delhi (or was it Bombay?), as if it mattered because Tex finally had an idea to make his mark and fortune and that idea was a chain of steak houses to serve the millions and he wondered, as he deplaned down the steep, shiny, steel steps, why no one had thought of it before. (Ken Aclin, Shreveport)

It was high noon in the jungles of South India when I began to recognize that if we didn't find water for our emus soon, it wouldn't be long before we would be traveling by foot; and with the guerilla warriors fast on our heals, I was starting to regret my decision to use poultry for transportation. (Eric Winter, Minneapolis)

When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday, his children packed his bags and drove him to Golden Pastures retirement complex just off Interstate 95. (Stephen Farnsworth, Manchester UK)

Because of her mysterious ways I was fascinated with Dorothy and I wondered if she would ever consider having a relationship with a lion, but I have to admit that most of my attention was directed at her little dog Toto because, after all, he was a source of meat protein and I had had enough of those damn flying monkeys. (Randy Blanton, Murfreesboro)

The children of Hamelin were led away by a pied piper (it's common knowledge) to parts unknown; whither they went is now herein revealed, however the precise location is cloaked in accordance with International Fantasy Regulation IFR.02.3a governing site specifics as, for example, in any Harry Potter story the locations are indeed identified, but just you try and find them. (P.S. Hamilton, Pearland)

She walked toward him, her dress billowing in the wind -not a calm and predictable billows like the sea, but more like the billowing of a mildewed shower curtain in a cheap motel where one has to dance around to avoid touching it while trying to rinse off soap. (Kristin Harbuck, Bozeman)

The night resembled nothing so much as the nose of a giant Labrador in excellent health: cold, black, and wet. (Devery Doleman, Brooklyn)

After months of pent-up emotions like a caffeine-addict trying to kick the habit, Cathy finally let the tears come, at first dripping sporadically like an old clogged percolator, then increasing slowly like a 10-cup coffeemaker with an automatic drip, and eventually pouring out and noisily wailing like a cappuccino maker complete with slurping froth. (Chris Bui, Pensacola)

The rising sun crawled over the ridge and slithered across the hot barren terrain into every nook and cranny like grease on a Denny's grill in the morning rush, but only until eleven o'clock when they switch to the lunch menu. (Lester Guyse, Portland)

Coincidentally, just as Rose hung out the third sheet out to dry, it started to rain down in sheets and not the soft kind like a fine 400-count Egyptian cotton, but more harsh like a cheap poly blend but even so, Rose didn't notice as she was three sheets to the wind. (Barbara Bridges, Sierra Madre)

They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently. (Mariann Simms, Wetumpka)

On holiday in Paris, France, we watched the Parisians sing and dance and soon they made us feel so good we fell into the festive mood of that city's cheerful pace that keeps a smile upon your face where there's such a lot to do and see, but it's hard to find a place to pee. (Walter Hamp, Sierra Vista)

His knowing brown eyes held her gaze for a seeming eternity, his powerful arms clasped her slim body in an irresistible embrace, and from his broad, hairy chest a primal smell of "male" tantalized her nostrils; "Looks like another long night in the ape house", thought veterinarian Abigail Brown as she gingerly reached for the constipated gorilla's suppository. (Paul Jeffery, Oxford)

As she contemplated the setting sun, its dying rays casting the last of their brilliant purple light on the red-gold waters of the lake, Debbie realized that she should never again buy her sunglasses from a guy parked by the side of the road. (Malinda Lingwall, Bloomington)

The mad muddy maelstrom of his mind meandered, mourned, and mulled, but did not mend or mollify his mood.

They say she carried her own warmth around with her, like one of those thermoregulating arctic mammals, say, a polar bear, or a baby harp seal (though not a penguin, which is Antarctic, anyway, and not a mammal, but a bird), but she wasn't fat or blubbery, which makes it all the more unbelievable why anyone would have wanted to club her to death for her fur coat, which wasn't even white, I'm told, but black. (Harry H. Buerkett, Urbana)

I won't delay this story with any fancy "Once upon a time" nonsense, preferring to dive right in, like Pete Rose bowling over Ray Fosse at home plate in the 1970 All-Star game at Riverfront Stadium, erupting a controversy over the point of the All-Star contest since that infamous slide did end Fosse's season and compromise his career in a seemingly pointless exhibition game, which was nothing compared to the subsequent controversies surrounding Charlie Hustle's tax fraud, betting habits, and haircuts. (Elizabeth Metz, Cincinnati)

It wasn't the desolate remoteness of the campsite that bothered him, or even the terrifying roar of the rapids beating themselves against solid granite below, so much as the eerie sound of pigs squealing in the distance and the fact that, in this light, cousin Billy looked disturbingly like Ned Beatty. (Cindy Erickson Gilman, Mission Viejo)

The sobering scene was laid out before Detective Robinson like a centerfold spread in Better Homes and Gardens or Martha Stewart Living, if the splayed bodies could be considered home furnishings such as hand-knotted 100% wool Tibetan area rugs or allergy-free hypodown throw pillows stuffed with European goose down and the blood on the walls had been a carefully spattered burnt vermilion latex paint for a classic aged or contemporary Jackson Pollock-like finish. (Theresa Olin, Nineveh)

Detective Inspector Mike Norman slipped six fingers into his overcoat pocket, five of them clad in a latex glove and attached to his palm, while the sixth was wrapped in a plastic evidence bag and apparently belonged to the kidnapped pianist Ricardo Moore, or, as it now seemed likely, the kidnapped ex-pianist Ricardo Moore. (Alan Campbell, Edinburgh)

T'asha lay in bed musing at the slight wrinkles in the down comforter which like waves in a gently wind-blown semi-calm sea heaved gently as she moved her legs under the cover and alternately wiggled her toes, causing a rogue ripple to course across the bed and die against the shore of the pillow. (Bob F. Bledsoe, Austin)

He knew that, at most, he had five seconds left to live, one one-thousand, two one-thousand, the gun barrel pointing at his face like a scolding finger, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, the hired assassin Ricardo's grip tightening on the trigger, five white elephants, six white elephants, and then a bright blast of light as he wondered which was really the most accurate way to count five seconds. (Vincent M. Zito, Monroe)

The rhythmic breathing of my companion was interrupted violently by a fit of coughing, causing the peace of the early morning to be ripped from me as if Richard Simmons had charged into my bedroom in his be-sequined health fervor and started Sweating to the Oldies on the end of my bed. (A. Caywood, Hermantown)

I'd stumbled onto solving my first murder case, having found myself the only eyewitness, yet no matter how frantically I pleaded with John Law that the perp was right in front of them and the very dame they'd been grilling the sultry but devious Miss Kitwinkle, who played the grieving patsy the way a concert pianist player plays a piano the cops just kept smiling and stuffing crackers in my beak. (Chris Esco, Miami)

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Although Sara could believe the brassiere she had found was from a mix-up at the Laundromat, that the lipstick on Bill's collar really had been from a cramped elevator, that the stiletto heel was indeed something the cat dragged in, when she pulled Chloe's unmistakable prosthetic arm from under the bed, she realized she had been played for a fool. (Nicholas R. Eaton, Saint Charles)

"Bring a bottle of wine and wear something uncomplicated I'm in no mood for a struggle tonight," rolled from Jean-Pierre's lips like a bowling ball shooting up the return ramp, only to slow itself abruptly at the top before ka-whonking! into the balls already lined up there like all the lines she had heard before, and Sylvia knew at last that all the good ones were not married, gay, or in Mexican prisons. (James Pokines, Hickam AFB)

Standing in the concessions car of the Orient Express as it hissed and lurched away from the station, Special Agent Chu could feel enemy eyes watching him from the inky shadows and knew that he was being tested, for although he had never tasted a plug of tobacco in his life, he was impersonating an arms dealer known to be a connoisseur, so he knew that he, the Chosen One, Chow Chu, had no choice but to choose the choicest chew on the choo-choo. (Loren Haarsma, Grand Rapids)

There was no question about it, my computer was locked up like a crazy aunt in a dark, secluded attic, or like the brakes on my '73 Chevy Impala on a rainy day when my wife is driving the kids to origami lessons and is running late because Isaiah, my son, made a fuss at the last minute and refused to be put into his car seat. (Peter L. Belmonte, Altus AFB)

In his arms, I wasn't a girl dreaming of sailing the high seas, and I wasn't a farm kid jumping the train, either, but a fully grown woman riding the soft side of the crescent moon. (Ann Howard Creel)

Sarah felt bored and unsatisfied, even though her job as a nurse's aide included helping patients and keeping track of the billiards equipment in the recreation room at the Venereal Disease Treatment Center, and she wondered what her mother had been thinking all those years when she repeatedly told her that a young lady should mind herpes and cues. (Brad Jolly, Longmont)

With a toe-trembling groan he rolled sideways and up into a tight ball, like a foetal armadillo, his teeth biting deeply into the knuckles of his right hand, and his eyes rolling back into their sockets like tinned ducks.

It was a barky and wormy night at Dr. Kilmore's 24-Hour Veterinary Emporium when, right in the middle of his 3:00 AM stool watch, Alberto suddenly realized that, pound for pound, Shih-Tzus swallow more tennis bracelets than most dogs twice their size. (Jan Socie, Campbell)

When the time came for Timothy to fly the nest, he felt the best years of his life were ahead of him, if only because he had spent the childhood ones living in a nest. (Sian Arthur, London)

Billy Bob gushed like a broken water main about his new love: "She's got long, beautiful, drain-clogging hair, more curves than an under-the-sink water trap, and she moves with the ease of a motorized toilet snake through a four-inch sewer line, but what she sees in me, a simple plumber, I'll never know." (Glenn Lawrie, Chung-buk South Korea)

The double agent looked up from his lunch of Mahi-Mahi and couscous and realized that he must escape from Walla Walla to Bora Bora to come face-to-face with his arch enemy by taking out his 30-30 and shooting off his nemesis' ear-to-ear grin so he could wave bye-bye to this duplicitous life, but the chances of him pulling this off were only so-so, much less than 50-50. (Charles Jaworski, North Pole AK)

Cheryl's mind turned like the vanes of a powerful wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories. (Sue Fondrie)

As his small boat scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled with cerulean clouds with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened to navy nearer the boat and faded to azure at the horizon, Ian was at a loss as to why he felt so blue. (Mike Pedersen)

Bad Analogies

Things that make you say "Hmm..."

The wheel of love had left its tread marks in his chest once too often, like a knobby mud tire on a monster truck, or like a really big ponce wheel, the kind that tailors use to punch little holes in patterns and that would leave lots of nasty little welts if you were to run it up and down your arm. (Peter Loughlin)

I saw her sitting at the bar. I approached. "Hello," she said in a voice so husky it could pull a dogsled. (Dan Yell)

Mitzi's wet T-shirt clung to her torso like paint on the nose cone of a jumbo jet. (James Macdonald)

Captain Burton stood at the bow of his massive sailing ship, his weathered face resembling improperly cured leather that wouldn't even be used to make a coat or something. (Bryan Semrow)

The sun rose over the horizon like a great big radioactive baby's head with a bad sunburn, but then again it might just have been that Lisa was always cranky this early in the morning. (Debra Allen)

Jane was toast, and not the light buttery kind, nay, she was the kind that's been charred and blackened in the bottom of the toaster and has to be thrown a away because no matter how much of the burnt part you scrape off with a knife, there's always more blackened toast beneath, the kind that not even starving birds in winter will eat, that kind of toast. (Beth Knutson)

As Fiona slowly drew the heavy velvet curtain aside, her eyes smoldered black, deep, and dark as inside the lungs of a coal miner, although it would be black in anyone's lungs if you could get in there because there wouldn't be any light, even in the pink ones of people who don't smoke. (Lou A. Waller)

Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen since the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D". (John Kammer)

We are all like those little pink and blue plastic people in the game of Life. (Meghann Olson)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.(Paul Kocak)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross)

Just like (or as) a bicycle rider lifts his butt from the seat when he sees a bump coming, so Bob pulled back, emotionally, when Alice got angry. (Jim Caughran)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland)

After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart)

The moon looked like a discarded toenail clipping submersed in a puddle of saliva on a black formica countertop. (Lindsay Robertson)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer)

She was sending me mixed signals like a dyslexic third-base coach. (Jack Bross)

She felt used and unwanted, like the two chocolate halves of an Oreo cookie after someone has already licked the cream out of them. (Kristi Herd)

My underwear stuck to my backside like an All-Pro cornerback to a rookie wide receiver as I browsed through the seed catalog that had mistakenly found its way into my mailbox. (Ron Calabrese)

Chicken: it's like a cow, but different. (Ben Olson)

His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl)

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master. (unknown)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (unknown)

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (unknown)

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef. (unknown)

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up. (unknown)

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever. (unknown)

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM. (unknown)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. (unknown)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (unknown)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (unknown)

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river. (unknown)

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. (unknown)

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (unknown)

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. (unknown)

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. (unknown)

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. (unknown)

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something. (unknown)

The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. (unknown)

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools. (unknown)

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (unknown)

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword. (unknown)

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. (unknown)

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. (unknown)

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening. (unknown)

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. (unknown)

If

Lots to contemplate here

If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there isn't a law, there will be.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 - it will.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

If things were left to chance, they would be better.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.

If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.

If you are coasting, you're going downhill.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned.

If you were, you would think you were sane.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman)

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

If you cannot fix it, feature it.

If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!

If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.

If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.

If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.

If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.

If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it.

If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but

If you really make them think they'll hate you.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.

If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

If you understand it, it is obsolete.

Huh?

What do these even mean?

He's as happy as a clamp.

You could have knocked me over with a fender.

That brings a tear to my thigh. 

He's as smooth as sandpaper. 

A genius is a genealogist's answer to the question 'Got a spare?'

Two wrongs don't make a right turn. 

It's raining like molasses in January.

I'm so hungry I could ride a horse.

I'd give my right arm to play guitar like that. 

He's no rocket surgeon.

You need to take the tollpike to get across the freeway. 

That's more fun than a barrel of pickles.

He and I went to different schools together.

Cross my legs and hope to die!

I like it when it stays light out until it gets dark.

If the cows are laying down, the fish aren't biting!

I have a lot of irons in the fire, but I'm holding them close to my chest.

That just opened Panda's box.

It is kisstomary to cuss the bride.

If you can't run with the big dogs, stay off the porch. 

You couldn't pay me to work on commission.

I could smell that with one nostril tied behind my back.

You hit the nail right on the nose.

The flies were dropping like a bat out of hell.

That guy would give you the arm off his back.

Go jump off a lake.

The gunman was believed to be armed.

I'm up to my ass in elbows.

I can lead you to horsewater, but I can't make you drink.

You play ball with me, and I'll scratch yours.

We're between a pickle and a hard spot.

It's half of one, six dozen of another.

You better get on the boat because the train is leaving the station! 

He's the cream of the corn.

There is no "I" in win.

There are too many cooks in the broth.

The short answer is 'Yes'. The long answer is 'No'.

Looks like I've spent the day chasing a wild herring!

He's as nervous as a long tailed cat out of the bag. 

We are the glue that keeps things moving.

Fits like a charm! Wait - fits like a shoe?

I'm going through paper like it grows on trees.

It just like stealing teeth from a baby.

He's hotter than a cracker.

I can tell you this, they are all sitting 2 inches higher in their seats, because they all just crapped their pants.

You're barking up a dead tree.

That's not his cup of cake.

Put yourself in my pants.

You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot because you might want to take a walk later.

Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.

I love being spontaneous. I just need a little warning.

We ought to make the pie higher.

I'm just talking out loud here. 

Golf is a game that is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Being in a hurry is a complete waste of time.

That guy smokes like a fish!

He's got one foot in the grave, and one on the ceiling. 

You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!

I wasn't rich like you guys. I didn't eat gold or have a flying pony.

After my C-section, the only thing I was allowed to drink was liquids.

All old people should be shot at birth.

He's as sharp as a new penny.

Don't ask "Can I?" - ask "I can!".

I know that area of town like the back of my head.

She's like the pot calling the kettle a frying pan.

She used enough scotch tape to feed a third world country.

That really burns my goat!

People are dying like pancakes here.

You shouldn't let people get under your goat.

I'm sweating like a bullet.

It's like six of one and two dozen of the other.

I hate to throw cold water on your bubble.

I just got my car fixed and it's runnin' like a dime.

That really raises the shackles on my neck.

I'm optimistic but my optimistics is on the other side of the teeter-totter.

We gotta get our soup and nuts together.

I'm trying to contain an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!

I used to be as sharp as a button.

That'll put the monkey in your court.

It was time to separate the wheat from the baby.

You're only smart on the outside.

I guess you're just AOL.

If we can't lead them with a stick, we are going to have to beat them with a carrot.

Not everything that shines is baloney.

You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there.

Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof.

I'm running around like a chicken with his legs cut off.

It sounds like sour milk, and I don't like the smell of it.

I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel.

We've got to dig our way out of this puppy.

Zero is better than nothing!

In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!

You're a minefield of information.

Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the monkey works.

You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket.

I can't do it in the spur of a hat.

That really burns my craw!

A two-prawn approach is necessary.

He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants.

You gotta walk with your pants on.

Can I pick your ear?

I don't want to shoot myself in the hip.

A little pain never hurt anyone.

Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?

I can't come in to work because I need to have an autopsy.

I don't feel like the sharpest button on the beach today.

You have to keep all your marbles in the same duck.

We don't want to screw ourselves in the foot.

I feel like I'm beating my head against a dead horse.

The ball is in his camp now.

We need to get our ducks in the fire.

Whatever rubs your boat!

Don't put all your worms in one barrel because it might be more than you can chew. 

You know I'm just pulling your lamb.

If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!

They need to get all their ducks in one sock.

We don't want to go barking up a dead horse.

We're going to come out of this smelling like geniuses!

The ball is squarely on our shoulders.

The best way to learn is from the school of Fort Knox.

Make sure you cross your p's and q's.

Throw that monkey back over the fence.

She really rubs me up the wrong tree.

Well, I'm just busier than a one-armed naked man.

You're nothing but a P.I.G. hog.

He had all of his ducks in one sock.

I've just got my feet in too many pies right now.

This thing is about to grow legs and take off.

Are you going to call the whole kettle black because of one bad potato?

If we do that we'll open up a whole new wormhole.

Will everyone stop misundermining me!

I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting.

He was slow as Moses.

I am sick and tired of the lack of disrespect towards me!

My arms were knee-deep in mud.

'I see,' said the blind man to the fly.

We need to find a solution, even if it isn't the right one.

Hey, don't eat the messenger!

It's only when this business comes into the foreplay that we should be concerned.