Men vs. Women
NICKNAMES
If Laura,
Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike,
Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as
Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill
arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's
only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
actually admit they want change back.
When the girls
get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay
$2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay
$1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six
items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a
towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not
be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the
last word in any argument.
Anything a man
says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they
love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries
about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man
is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful
woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries
a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a
woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will
dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone,
read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress
up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as
good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A
woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and
romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE
DAY
Any married man
should forget his mistakes.
There's no use
in two people remembering the same thing.
Mr. or Mrs. Computer
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going totell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
On The Job Training
Three couples
were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were
all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary,you're not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minute sare up, your three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. Theman opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst,asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."
The first man married a nurse.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary,you're not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minute sare up, your three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. Theman opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst,asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."
Secrets of a Successful Date
Before you leave your house...
1. Put on a little too much cologne.
2. Before you leave home, fill
your pockets with mints. When your date says something to you when she's really
close, give her a mint. EX: Girl - ''This movie sure is romantic.'' Guy -
''Here's a mint, now what did you say?''1. Put on a little too much cologne.
When you go to pick her up:
1. When you get to her door, don't knock or ring the doorbell, just go on in. She's expecting you.
2. Call her parents by their first names.
3. If she asks you how she looks, and her parents are nearby, tell her she looks sexy.
4. When introducing yourself to her parents, tell them that you prefer to go by your gang name.
5. Always look nice when you meet the parents. wear a new Marlboro jacket and be sure to tell them how many Marlboro bucks it took to get it. Parents smile upon a man that can save his Marlboro money.
6. Show respect. Take your Fubu cap and matching coat off when you enter the house. Make sure you wear your cap and coat in the summer too. If her parents ask why, tell them that you're ''keepin' it real.''
On the way to wherever:
1. Do NOT let her touch the radio or the air conditioner. You are the man, make sure she knows that.
2. If she makes up for lost time by putting on her lipstick in the car, gently tap the brakes at the same time the lipstick touches her mouth.
3. Check out the girl in the other car while at the stoplight.
4. If you pick the girl up from home at 6:45, have someone call you on the cell phone at 7:00 and talk to them till you get to your destination, this way you won't have to worry about what to say to her.
5. Drive ten miles BELOW the speed limit.
6. Develop a really bad Pee Wee Herman impression and talk to her through it.
When you arrive at your destination:
1. If you go to the movies, flirt with the girl at the ticket counter.
2. If you go to a restaurant, say you're really hungry. Let her order first. Since you'll be eating heavy, she'll probably order a big meal, too. When she finishes, order a small coke and a box of McDonaldland cookies.
3. If you get nervous, just pretend that she's one of your guy friends. At the end of the meal, say ''Boy, you ate everything but the table.'' Say it with confidence.
4. Be classy. If you eat at McDonald's, leave a tip.
On the way back to her house: Take your cell phone and call another girl. Ask her to do something with you in about an hour.
