NEVER ENOUGH JOKES ABOUT BLONDES

the funniest blonde joke

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Inventions

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

Quick Blonde Jokes

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme.

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized.

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom.

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.
 
Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....

Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL.

Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?>
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it..

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends.

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up.

Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A blow job with handlebars.

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

If

Lots to contemplate here

If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there isn't a law, there will be.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 - it will.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

If things were left to chance, they would be better.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.

If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.

If you are coasting, you're going downhill.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned.

If you were, you would think you were sane.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman)

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

If you cannot fix it, feature it.

If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!

If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.

If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.

If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.

If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.

If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it.

If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but

If you really make them think they'll hate you.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.

If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

If you understand it, it is obsolete.

Huh?

What do these even mean?

He's as happy as a clamp.

You could have knocked me over with a fender.

That brings a tear to my thigh. 

He's as smooth as sandpaper. 

A genius is a genealogist's answer to the question 'Got a spare?'

Two wrongs don't make a right turn. 

It's raining like molasses in January.

I'm so hungry I could ride a horse.

I'd give my right arm to play guitar like that. 

He's no rocket surgeon.

You need to take the tollpike to get across the freeway. 

That's more fun than a barrel of pickles.

He and I went to different schools together.

Cross my legs and hope to die!

I like it when it stays light out until it gets dark.

If the cows are laying down, the fish aren't biting!

I have a lot of irons in the fire, but I'm holding them close to my chest.

That just opened Panda's box.

It is kisstomary to cuss the bride.

If you can't run with the big dogs, stay off the porch. 

You couldn't pay me to work on commission.

I could smell that with one nostril tied behind my back.

You hit the nail right on the nose.

The flies were dropping like a bat out of hell.

That guy would give you the arm off his back.

Go jump off a lake.

The gunman was believed to be armed.

I'm up to my ass in elbows.

I can lead you to horsewater, but I can't make you drink.

You play ball with me, and I'll scratch yours.

We're between a pickle and a hard spot.

It's half of one, six dozen of another.

You better get on the boat because the train is leaving the station! 

He's the cream of the corn.

There is no "I" in win.

There are too many cooks in the broth.

The short answer is 'Yes'. The long answer is 'No'.

Looks like I've spent the day chasing a wild herring!

He's as nervous as a long tailed cat out of the bag. 

We are the glue that keeps things moving.

Fits like a charm! Wait - fits like a shoe?

I'm going through paper like it grows on trees.

It just like stealing teeth from a baby.

He's hotter than a cracker.

I can tell you this, they are all sitting 2 inches higher in their seats, because they all just crapped their pants.

You're barking up a dead tree.

That's not his cup of cake.

Put yourself in my pants.

You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot because you might want to take a walk later.

Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.

I love being spontaneous. I just need a little warning.

We ought to make the pie higher.

I'm just talking out loud here. 

Golf is a game that is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Being in a hurry is a complete waste of time.

That guy smokes like a fish!

He's got one foot in the grave, and one on the ceiling. 

You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!

I wasn't rich like you guys. I didn't eat gold or have a flying pony.

After my C-section, the only thing I was allowed to drink was liquids.

All old people should be shot at birth.

He's as sharp as a new penny.

Don't ask "Can I?" - ask "I can!".

I know that area of town like the back of my head.

She's like the pot calling the kettle a frying pan.

She used enough scotch tape to feed a third world country.

That really burns my goat!

People are dying like pancakes here.

You shouldn't let people get under your goat.

I'm sweating like a bullet.

It's like six of one and two dozen of the other.

I hate to throw cold water on your bubble.

I just got my car fixed and it's runnin' like a dime.

That really raises the shackles on my neck.

I'm optimistic but my optimistics is on the other side of the teeter-totter.

We gotta get our soup and nuts together.

I'm trying to contain an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!

I used to be as sharp as a button.

That'll put the monkey in your court.

It was time to separate the wheat from the baby.

You're only smart on the outside.

I guess you're just AOL.

If we can't lead them with a stick, we are going to have to beat them with a carrot.

Not everything that shines is baloney.

You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there.

Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof.

I'm running around like a chicken with his legs cut off.

It sounds like sour milk, and I don't like the smell of it.

I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel.

We've got to dig our way out of this puppy.

Zero is better than nothing!

In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!

You're a minefield of information.

Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the monkey works.

You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket.

I can't do it in the spur of a hat.

That really burns my craw!

A two-prawn approach is necessary.

He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants.

You gotta walk with your pants on.

Can I pick your ear?

I don't want to shoot myself in the hip.

A little pain never hurt anyone.

Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?

I can't come in to work because I need to have an autopsy.

I don't feel like the sharpest button on the beach today.

You have to keep all your marbles in the same duck.

We don't want to screw ourselves in the foot.

I feel like I'm beating my head against a dead horse.

The ball is in his camp now.

We need to get our ducks in the fire.

Whatever rubs your boat!

Don't put all your worms in one barrel because it might be more than you can chew. 

You know I'm just pulling your lamb.

If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!

They need to get all their ducks in one sock.

We don't want to go barking up a dead horse.

We're going to come out of this smelling like geniuses!

The ball is squarely on our shoulders.

The best way to learn is from the school of Fort Knox.

Make sure you cross your p's and q's.

Throw that monkey back over the fence.

She really rubs me up the wrong tree.

Well, I'm just busier than a one-armed naked man.

You're nothing but a P.I.G. hog.

He had all of his ducks in one sock.

I've just got my feet in too many pies right now.

This thing is about to grow legs and take off.

Are you going to call the whole kettle black because of one bad potato?

If we do that we'll open up a whole new wormhole.

Will everyone stop misundermining me!

I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting.

He was slow as Moses.

I am sick and tired of the lack of disrespect towards me!

My arms were knee-deep in mud.

'I see,' said the blind man to the fly.

We need to find a solution, even if it isn't the right one.

Hey, don't eat the messenger!

It's only when this business comes into the foreplay that we should be concerned.

On The Job Wisdom

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Sleeping on the Job

Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle:

1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
the last time management course you sent me to."

4. "I was working smarter, not harder."

5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm!"

7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

9. "I'm in the management training program."

10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise
Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you (boss)
made me attend."

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I
dreamed about work!"

12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who
practice Yoga?"

13. "The coffee machine is broke...."

14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear
off!"

16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the
Walton's)"

18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!"

19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact
lenses without using my hands."

20. "The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing
dead to avoid getting shot."

21. "I thought you (boss) were gone for the day."

Good Things to Say When You're Stressed at Work

Good Things to Say When You're Stressed at work:

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Un.... you!"

2. "You say I'm a bad like it's a bad thing?!"

3. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

6. "Do I look to you like a  people person!"

7. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

8. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

9. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

10. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

11. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

12. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

13. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

14. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

15. "Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

16. "Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done."

17. "You look like sh!t. Is that the style now?"

18. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

19. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."