New Courses for Men
Class size is limited to 10 as
course material may prove difficult.
Agenda
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. P.M.S. Learning To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us $$$$$
6. Understanding The Female Responses To Your Coming In Drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques - (Formally Called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
9. You - The Weaker Sex
10. Reasons To Give Flowers
11. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
12. How To Stay Awake After Sex
13. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
14. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It, If You Really Try Sex 102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's "Awake", Take A Cold Shower
15. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
16. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
17. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
18. The Remote Control - Overcome Your Dependency
19. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
20. How Not To Get Younger Than Your Children
21. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
22. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
23. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
24. The Attainable Goal - Omitting @#$% From Your Vocabulary
25. Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
26. Real Men Ask For Directions
A COPY OF THE ABOVE ENDED UP IN OUR LOCAL SHERIFF'S HANDS SO HE DECIDED TO HELP UPDATE THESE COURSES....
While I certainly can't dispute some of the coursework you've listed in such a cavalier fashion, you forgot to show some of the classes that males take great pride in. They are:
1. Eating Straight Out of the Can . . . an environmentalist approach
2. Flatulence As An Art Form
3. If It's There, Why Can't I Touch It? The key to understanding women
4. Duct Tape - 101
5. Duct Tape - Advanced - The Magic Silver Strip
6. It's Mine...I Can Scratch It...Assertiveness training
7. Cooking for Fun and Sex
8. Beer Gargling ... Prerequisite is Chemistry 101
9. How To Make Your Woman Really Hot (blow your nose on her curtains)
10. Cussing to Make Your Point (Sub. for Speech 101, Asshole)
11. Cooties - How to Check Girls for Them
12. How To Order at a Fancy Restaurant
13. How To Slip Out Without Paying At A Fancy Restaurant
14. How To Have Great Sex
15. How To Have Great Sex With A Partner (Advanced Only)
Dr.Suite, CEO of the PyBRUs Chapter "Men can be amusing, really" offers courses for women who want to better understand their men. Courses are limited to 50 per class (this curriculum is usually easily assimilated by the female gender).
Agenda
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. P.M.S. Learning To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us $$$$$
6. Understanding The Female Responses To Your Coming In Drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques - (Formally Called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
9. You - The Weaker Sex
10. Reasons To Give Flowers
11. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
12. How To Stay Awake After Sex
13. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
14. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It, If You Really Try Sex 102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's "Awake", Take A Cold Shower
15. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
16. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
17. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
18. The Remote Control - Overcome Your Dependency
19. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
20. How Not To Get Younger Than Your Children
21. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
22. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
23. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
24. The Attainable Goal - Omitting @#$% From Your Vocabulary
25. Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
26. Real Men Ask For Directions
A COPY OF THE ABOVE ENDED UP IN OUR LOCAL SHERIFF'S HANDS SO HE DECIDED TO HELP UPDATE THESE COURSES....
While I certainly can't dispute some of the coursework you've listed in such a cavalier fashion, you forgot to show some of the classes that males take great pride in. They are:
1. Eating Straight Out of the Can . . . an environmentalist approach
2. Flatulence As An Art Form
3. If It's There, Why Can't I Touch It? The key to understanding women
4. Duct Tape - 101
5. Duct Tape - Advanced - The Magic Silver Strip
6. It's Mine...I Can Scratch It...Assertiveness training
7. Cooking for Fun and Sex
8. Beer Gargling ... Prerequisite is Chemistry 101
9. How To Make Your Woman Really Hot (blow your nose on her curtains)
10. Cussing to Make Your Point (Sub. for Speech 101, Asshole)
11. Cooties - How to Check Girls for Them
12. How To Order at a Fancy Restaurant
13. How To Slip Out Without Paying At A Fancy Restaurant
14. How To Have Great Sex
15. How To Have Great Sex With A Partner (Advanced Only)
Dr.Suite, CEO of the PyBRUs Chapter "Men can be amusing, really" offers courses for women who want to better understand their men. Courses are limited to 50 per class (this curriculum is usually easily assimilated by the female gender).
If Men Rewrote The Rules
Rule # 1 - Anything we said
six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become
null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 - If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 - If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 - It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 - Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 - Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7 - You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Rule # 8 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rule # 9 - Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10 - Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11 - When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12 - Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Rule # 2 - If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 - If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 - It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 - Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 - Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7 - You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Rule # 8 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rule # 9 - Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10 - Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11 - When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12 - Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Quotes from Women
"Any girl can be
glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." --- Hedy
Lamarr
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee
Woman Wishes
A woman was out golfing one
day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for
it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me
from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So, "KAZAM" -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and
he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, "KAZAM"-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever . Don't mess with them.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So, "KAZAM" -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and
he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, "KAZAM"-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever . Don't mess with them.
How to Talk About Men & Still be Politically Correct
He does not have a BEER GUT -
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIALINVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIALINVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
Male-Female Relationships...Long But True
Let's say a guy named Roger is
attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts;
they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and
again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and
after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see. .. February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so . . ." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What? ' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger.
''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see. .. February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so . . ." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What? ' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger.
''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
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