Letter
from College
Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing
and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but
before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further unless you are
sitting down ...
OK?
Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion
I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire,
shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in
the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a
day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department
and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere
to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share
his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He
is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get
married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I
start to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to
being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the
delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which
prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it
from him. This will soon clear up, thanks tomy daily penicillin injections. I
know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and
although not well educated, he is ambitious Also, he is of a different race and
religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance,
that you won't mind the fact that heis somewhat darker than we are. I am sure
you will love him as I do.
His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important
gunbearer in his native African village.
I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know
... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture,
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have
syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.
However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in
Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Chelsea
P.S. Stanford is great...I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and
Socks, too!
P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.
Erap To Internet
To My Countrymen
Dear peoples from di Phillipines,
As you are already informed via the internit, you should all be fully in
awareness that I am going to be the next President of the Philippines. Now I
know all the votes are not yet fully counted, but who cares about counting all
the votes? You've seen one ballot, you've seen them all. Trust me, they all
look the same.
I am in knowing that many of you peoples here have somethings in reserved
against me, and also thats many of you often make fun of me. So plees, plees
let me re-insure you that I am not the man you are thinking I am. Many of the
mudslingings about me from my opposers are lies, or things that are in the
past. And I am not as stoopid as you beleive. I know how to subtract 2 plus 2,
I can spell english better than Dan Kwayl, I know about economics and the law
of sublime and demand.
Underneath this barong, pantalon, and leopard briefs, is a man who knows what
to do. You only need to ask the many women who have seen me and been with me
naked to confirm this truth. I know what to do for our nation. I will do
everything inhumanly possible to carry our nation into the dawn of the new
century, the 2000th century. I want to make sure that when I am over my term,
that the economy will have improved from all the money that I will have
circulated into my pockets.
In conclustion, I would like to close by saying to you peoples, to please
respect the will of the Philiphino voters, forget about parties and politics,
and unite behind my back.
Thank you.
President-erect of the Philippines,
Joseph "Erap" Estrada
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are
always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
LAW 1: No matter how
bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on
the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course
of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of
people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in
the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater
its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the
tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners
must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as
an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against
you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in
your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a
football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent
-- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss
an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who
beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to
what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
