Defining these words

For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.

Harlez-vous fran�ais?
CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?

Cogito Eggo Sum.
I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.

Rigor morris.
THE CAT IS DEAD.

Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.
HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH.

Que sera serf.
LIFE IS FEUDAL.

Posh mortem.
DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

Pro Bozo publico
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.

Ap�s Moe le deluge.
LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.

Haste cuisine.
FAST FRENCH FOOD.

Veni, vidi, vice.
I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.

Mazel ton.
TONS OF LUCK.

Aloha oy.
LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.

Visa la France.
DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.

L'�tat, c'est moo.
I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE.

Cogito, ergo spud.
I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.
(OK, more than 1 letter.)

Veni, vidi, velcro
I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.
(OK, another exception.)

Angering the Irishman

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Mexican is at border

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

Texas builds it larger

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

Facts about Americans

Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to

higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high

prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,

family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit

for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we're average-looking.

Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

25% of us drive after we've been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

True facts

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

5. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
6. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

8. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.


9. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

13. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

16. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

17. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

18. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

19. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

20. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

21. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

22. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

23. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

24. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

25. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

26. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

27. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

29. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

30. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

31. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

32. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

33. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

34. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

35. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

36. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

37. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

38. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

39. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

40. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

41. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

42. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

43. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

44. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

45. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

46. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

47. Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

48. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

49. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

50. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Last half, last 50 out of Top 100:
51. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

52. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

53. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

54. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

55. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

56. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

57. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

58. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

59. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

60. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

61. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

62. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

63. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

64. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

65. When in doubt, mumble.

66. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

67. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

68. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

69. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

70. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

71. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

72. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

73. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

74. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

75. I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

76. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

77. I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

78. I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

79. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.


80. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

81. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

82. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

83. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

84. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

85. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

86. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

87. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

88. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

89. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

90. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

91. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

92. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

93. If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

94. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

95. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

96. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

97. Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

98. Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

99. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

100. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Your Urgent Help Needed

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

Bumper Stickers for Democrats

This One Is Voting For That One

I Can See Russia From My House

McPalin: A Bridge to Nowhere

Hey Sarah, I Can See the Moon from My Backyard, Does that Make Me An Astronaut?

McCain/Palin - Thanks, But No Thanks

Pregnant Unwed High School Dropouts for Palin

Abstinence-Only Education Really Works, Huh Sarah?

Free Levi

What's the Difference Between Palin and Bush? Lipstick

John McCain: Get Off My Lawn!

McCain/Palin: Incontinence and Incompetence

McCain/Palin: Unstable and Unable

Hey Sarah, I Can See the End of Your Political Career From My House!

If Sarah Palin Is Qualified, So Am I

Jesus Was a Community Organizer, Pontius Pilate Was a Governor

McSame/MILF

McSame As Bush

McAncient

Four More Wars!

Banned Any Good Books Lately, Sarah Palin?

No Country For Old Men

No You McCan't

Vote McCain…or the Vietcong Have Won

John McCain: More Wars, Less Jobs

McCain is a Fossil Fool

Sarah Palin, Dan Quayle with Lip Gloss

Sarah Palin, One Hockey Mom Who Should Puck Off

Somewhere in Alaska an Igloo Is Missing Its Idiot

John McCain, Like Bush, But Older

John McCain: Continue the Pain

John McCain: 100 Years of War in '08

Sarah Palin: Because John McCain Thinks You're An Idiot

Polar Bears Against Palin

Moose For Palin: Please Don't Send Her Back to Alaska

Horny Old Republicans for Sarah Palin

If I Owned 7 Houses, I'd Think the Economy Was Great Too!

Sarah, While You Were Looking at Russia, Maybe You Should Have Been Watching Your Daughter

Hey Palin, Can You See Reality from Alaska?

Hockey Mama for Obama

Barack the Vote

Barack's How I Roll

Got Hope?

Black is the New President

I Got a Crush on Obama

Bumper Stickers for Republicans

Coldest State, Hottest Governor

Pit Bulls For Palin

NObama

Yes Mac Can

Burly Men for Palin, Girlie Men for Biden

I Wanna Be Sarah's Intern!

McCain/Palin: A Hero and a Hottie

McMILF 2008

VPILF

No McCain = No Gain

Read My Lipstick: Vote McCain Palin

Vote Pistol-Packin' Mama '08

Omama

Sarah Is My Shero

The Palinator

Hope Is Not a Plan

The Audacity of Hype

I'm Voting for Sarah and That Guy's She's Running With

Todd Palin for Second Dude

Sarah Palin: Hockey Mom I'd Like to Puck

Our VP Is Hotter Than Yours

I'm Voting for the Hot Chick

Clinging to God and My Gun While I Vote Republican

Got Lipstick? McCain/Palin '08

Hockey Moms Say Puck Obama

If You Like Osama Vote Obama

Obama bin Lyin'

Obama For Change? That's All You'll Have Left In Your Pockets

Your Wallet: The One Place Democrats Are Willing to Drill

McCain '08: Proven Leadership So We Don't Have to Hope

More Interesting Facts

'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand
And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing..as do some other body parts to eh??.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,'
and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber band last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
 
There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
 
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

Famous Quotes

Albert Einstein Funny Quotes

1. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

2. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

3. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

4. The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

5. If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

6. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Fredrick Nietzsche Funny Quotes

7. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God.

8. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

9. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

10. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?

11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.

Mark Twain Funny Quotes

12. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

13. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

14. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

16. The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

17. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

Voltaire Funny Quotes

18. Prejudices are what fools use for reason.

19. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.

20. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.

21. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

22. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.

23. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.

24. There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.

25. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.

26. Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

27. By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.

28. Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers.

Plato Funny Quotes

29. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

30. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.

31. This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.

32. Courage is knowing what not to fear.

33. The measure of a man is what he does with power.

Winston Churchill Funny Quotes

34. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

35. If you are going through hell, keep going.

36. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

37. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

George Carlin Funny Quotes

38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

40. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

42. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

43. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

44. What year did Jesus think it was?

45. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

46. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

47. “No comment” is a comment.

48. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

49. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Steve Martin Funny Quotes

50. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

51. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.

52. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

53. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

54. You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies - all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.

55. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

56. Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends? * As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)

Steven Colbert Funny Quotes

57. “To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush…I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough…Somebody shoot me in the face.” -Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner

58. On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.
 
59. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

60. Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.

61. I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

62. Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.

63. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

64. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.”

65. Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

Jon Stewart Funny Quotes

66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

67. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem - it’s in North Korea.

69. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.

70. Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005

Bill Maher Funny Quotes

71. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.

74. They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.

Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes

75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

77. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

Larry David Funny Quotes

79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there’s your diamond in the rough.

80. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.

81. I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.”

Dennis Miller Funny Quotes

82. A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

83. The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.

84. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”

Jay Leno Funny Quotes

85. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.

88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Rodney Dangerfield Funny Quotes

89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

91. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

92. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Sarah Silverman Funny Quotes

94. When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

95. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

Chris Rock Funny Quotes

96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

98. If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty.

99. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”

100. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.” Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars

101. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.

Actual Signs

Yes, these are real

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On an electrician's van: "We'll remove your shorts!" 

In a veterinarian's office: "Back in 15 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On the door to a proctologist's office: "To expedite your visit, please back in."

At a tailor shop: We give our customers the lowest prices and workmanship

At a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Please do not hunt during daylight" 

On a septic tank business: "We're #1 in the #2 business" 

At a photo studio: "Have your kids shot while you wait!"

In a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

At a teriyaki restaurant: "$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"

In a Vermont men's store: "25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ears pierced"

In a Mall: "Ears pierced, while you wait"

In a New Jersey store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa: "Everyday low value"

In a Maine restaurant: "At your service: Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."

In the vestry of a Westminster church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In an Ohio cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front of a small language school: "English Tootering"

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

On a fixit-shop: We can fix anything! (Please knock loudly, doorbell broken)

Merged Books

From the Washington Post Invitational contest

Merge-Matic Books: Combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable description of the merged book.

"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.

"Green Eggs and Hamlet" - Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.

"Where's Walden?" - Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.

"Catch-22 in the Rye" - Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane.

"2001: A Space Iliad" - The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.

"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi" - Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia.

"The Maltese Faulkner" - Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?

"Jane Eyre Jordan" - Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.

"Looking for Mr. Godot" - A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a long wait.

"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" - An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.

"Lorna Dune" - An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.

"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal" - A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles deGaulle.

"The Invisible Man of La Mancha" - Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing "To Fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a windmill.

"Of Three Blind Mice and Men" - Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?

"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" - Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and regained the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.

"Paradise Lost in Space" - Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and two annoying children.

"The Exorstentialist" - Camus' psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.

"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" - An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.

"Singing in the Black Rain" - A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the sh*t out of Gene Kelly.

"Fiddlemarch" - Emotionally dessicated medievalist Dr. Casaubon is transformed when everyone in the town reveals that they are Jewish and start to dance and sing a lot.

"A Time To Kill A Mockingbird" - The Alabama KKK, outraged at Atticus Finch for defending a black man in an Alabama rape trial, get revenge by abducting and molesting Scout. Jake Brigance and his lovely law student assistant Ellen Roark arrive from Mississippi to take over defending the case for the distraught Finch, and later defend sharpshooter Finch for taking revenge on the KKK members.

"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby" - Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it.

"Tarzan of the Grapes" - The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are savedby a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to grapevine.

"Curious Georgefather" - The monkey finally sticks his nose where it don't belong.

"The Hunchback Also Rises" - Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news.

"The Silence of the Hams" - In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables.

"Portnoy's Choice" - A man is forced to choose between his right and left hand.

True Human Body Facts

Facts - moving, incredible, intriguing

As you age, your eye color gets lighter.

There are 206 bones in the adult human body, but 300 in children (some of the bones fuse together as a child grows).

The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year.

The longest living cells in the body are brain cells which can live an entire lifetime.

There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Animal Kingdom".

Life expectancy for Russian men has actually gone down over the past 40 years. A Russian male born today can expect to live an average 58 years.

In 1985, the most popular waist size for men's pants was 32. In 2003, it's 36.

Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all.

In 2004, one in six girls in the United States enter puberty at age 8. A hundred years ago, only one in a hundred entered puberty that early.

Newest trend in the Netherlands: Tiny jewels implanted directly into the eye.

A British gymnast survived a fall from a fourth story window because he went into a somersault and came down on two feet.

Jeffrey and Sheryl McGowen in Houston turned to vitro fertilization. Two eggs were implanted in Sheryl's womb, and both of them split. Sheryl gave birth to two sets of identical twins at once.

In 1991, the average bra size in the United States was 34B. Today it's 36C.

The average North Korean 7-year-old is almost three inches shorter than the average South Korean 7-year-old.

Every year, 2700 surgical patients go home from the hospital with metal tools, sponges, and other objects left inside them. In 2000, 57 people died as a result of these mistakes.

We forget 80 percent of what we learn everyday.

Pain is measured in units of "dols". The instrument used to measure pain is a "dolorimeter".

The Amish a diet high in meat, dairy, refined sugars and calories. Yet obesity is virtually unknown among them. The difference is since they have no TVs, cars or powered machines, they spend their time in manual labor.

As of January 1, 2004, the population of the United States increases by one person every 12 seconds. There is a birth every eight seconds, an immigrant is added every 25 seconds, but a death every 13 seconds.

Astronauts cannot burp in space. There is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

Fidgeting can burn about 350 calories a day.

Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.

It takes approximately 12 hours for food to entirely digest.

A baby is born without kneecaps. They appear between age 2 and 6.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell.

The arteries and veins surrounding the brain stem called the "circle of Willis" looks like a stick person with a large head.

Brushing your teeth regularly has been shown to preventheart disease.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Your nose and ears never stop growing.

Men get hiccups more often than women.

Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day.