Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex
25. It's OK to
bleed during play
24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time-out
23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.
22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.
21. You can still play when you get married.
20. You can change on the fly.
19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.
18. If you can't get it up, who cares.
17. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at.
16. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over
again.
15. It is broadcast live on TV.
14. Every one can shoot at the same goal.
13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing.
12. Because of the face-mask, nothing can get in your.
11. You always know how big the stick is.
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
9. The puck is always hard.
8. Protective equipment is reusable, and you don't ever have to
wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour.
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. Periods only last twenty minutes.
3. You can count on it at least twice a week.
2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards
And the # 1 reason why hockey is better than sex---A two-on-one
or three-on-one is common in hockey.
24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time-out
23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.
22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.
21. You can still play when you get married.
20. You can change on the fly.
19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.
18. If you can't get it up, who cares.
17. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at.
16. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over
again.
15. It is broadcast live on TV.
14. Every one can shoot at the same goal.
13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing.
12. Because of the face-mask, nothing can get in your.
11. You always know how big the stick is.
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
9. The puck is always hard.
8. Protective equipment is reusable, and you don't ever have to
wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour.
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. Periods only last twenty minutes.
3. You can count on it at least twice a week.
2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards
And the # 1 reason why hockey is better than sex---A two-on-one
or three-on-one is common in hockey.
The Top 16 Signs Your Wedding Day Isn't Going Well
16> The ceremony is spoiled by the insistent beeping from the bride's ankle cuff.
15> You're forced to exchange vows from separate rooms because of that week-old restraining order.
14> The bride's father gets his feelings hurt when her pimp insists on giving her away.
13> Even though he's sitting in the front row, you still don't remember the Grim Reaper being on the guest list.
12> At the end of the ceremony, Reverend Jones proposes a Kool-Aid toast.
11> Your bride enthusiastically shouts, "I do!" Unfortunately, it's when the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage.
10> The ceremony starts in 20 minutes and you're still fighting over who gets to wear the dress.
9> "Do you take this man, Scott Peterson, to be your...."
8> When the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" crew shows up to help plan the upcoming honeymoon, your fiance becomes alarmingly smitten with Carson the fashion savant.
7> "Something blue" is Grandma. Better call 911.
6> After greeting your bride by name, the honeymoon hotel clerk asks if she wants the room for the whole night this time.
5> Something old? Check.
Something new? Check.
Something borrowed? Check.
Something blew? Chuck, the best man.
4> You spot Ron Jeremy sitting on the bride's side of the church.
3> The groom refuses to put on the ring on your finger, saying, "Not the Preciousssss!"
2> Saying your vows extemporaneously was going great until you drew a blank on a rhyme for "clitoris."
1> You can't seem to find your tuxedo pants. But even if you could, the wedding is in Nebraska and you're handcuffed to a dominatrix in Singapore.
16
Signs
more
16> Writing your wedding vows in Klingon seemed like such a cool idea
at the bachelor party.
15> During the toast, when the bride's father refers to his daughter as "pure and virtuous," you laugh and blow champagne out your nose.
14> Sure, it rains at some outdoor weddings, but hellfire and brimstone?
13> The bride figurine atop the wedding cake? A fluffy white sheep.
Your pissed-off bride? A goat.
12> Getting married at Graceland seemed like a good idea, but you didn't count on that annoying spinning sound coming from Daddy's grave.
11> The ring bearer keeps dropping the bride's glass eye.
10> Your wedding planner convinced you to forgo a traditional reception in favor of a contemporary "flash-mob reception."
9> Traditional wedding: rice.
Your wedding: scorpions.
8> As soon as your vows are complete, Anna Nicole "accidentally" kicks over your ventilator.
7> Your bride keeps on telling you that it's unlucky to see her *after* the wedding.
6> Your vows are to love, honor, obey, remember to feed Bubbles and the llamas every night, and keep up the subscription to "NAMBLA Illustrated."
5> You can't get the ceremony started because the altar keeps bursting into flames whenever your fiancee approaches it.
4> Mid-ceremony, the priest whips out a chicken foot and begins to sprinkle yak urine on the bride.
3> "Do you, CuteBabe19, take BigGuy23-- damn, the server's down again!"
2> One hour before the big "I do," you suddenly realize there's a bridesmaid you haven't nailed.
1> You broke three bones in your hand in an altercation with photographers, your bride split the seam of her Vera Wang when she sat down, and now that little turd Matt Damon can't find the friggin' ring.
15> During the toast, when the bride's father refers to his daughter as "pure and virtuous," you laugh and blow champagne out your nose.
14> Sure, it rains at some outdoor weddings, but hellfire and brimstone?
13> The bride figurine atop the wedding cake? A fluffy white sheep.
Your pissed-off bride? A goat.
12> Getting married at Graceland seemed like a good idea, but you didn't count on that annoying spinning sound coming from Daddy's grave.
11> The ring bearer keeps dropping the bride's glass eye.
10> Your wedding planner convinced you to forgo a traditional reception in favor of a contemporary "flash-mob reception."
9> Traditional wedding: rice.
Your wedding: scorpions.
8> As soon as your vows are complete, Anna Nicole "accidentally" kicks over your ventilator.
7> Your bride keeps on telling you that it's unlucky to see her *after* the wedding.
6> Your vows are to love, honor, obey, remember to feed Bubbles and the llamas every night, and keep up the subscription to "NAMBLA Illustrated."
5> You can't get the ceremony started because the altar keeps bursting into flames whenever your fiancee approaches it.
4> Mid-ceremony, the priest whips out a chicken foot and begins to sprinkle yak urine on the bride.
3> "Do you, CuteBabe19, take BigGuy23-- damn, the server's down again!"
2> One hour before the big "I do," you suddenly realize there's a bridesmaid you haven't nailed.
1> You broke three bones in your hand in an altercation with photographers, your bride split the seam of her Vera Wang when she sat down, and now that little turd Matt Damon can't find the friggin' ring.
Cell Phone
Several men are
in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man
engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. Its only $1,000. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $740,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. Its only $1,000. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $740,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Breakfast for Newlyweds
This guy and his
newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk,
they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal
suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner
will be served from 7:30 onwards."
The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room. The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.
Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast bpought up here?"
"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.
The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"
Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"
"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"
Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"
The groom replies, "I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"
The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room. The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.
Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast bpought up here?"
"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.
The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"
Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"
"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"
Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"
The groom replies, "I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"
Thoughts on Marriage
NOVICE: Do
clever men make good husbands?
SAGE : Clever men don't BECOME husbands!
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law `etter than I like mine."
WIFE : The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?
NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE : Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.
The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is 'desserts' spelled backwards.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. One of his closest friends said to him: "You can't be serious about marrying Sarah Jane!"
"Why", he asked. "She's dated every man in Phoenix."
The bridegroom-to-be thought awhile and then muttered pensively, "Phoenix isn't such a big town."
MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he's out of town.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here either."
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?
SAGE : Clever men don't BECOME husbands!
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law `etter than I like mine."
WIFE : The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?
NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE : Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.
The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is 'desserts' spelled backwards.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. One of his closest friends said to him: "You can't be serious about marrying Sarah Jane!"
"Why", he asked. "She's dated every man in Phoenix."
The bridegroom-to-be thought awhile and then muttered pensively, "Phoenix isn't such a big town."
MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he's out of town.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here either."
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?
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