Dumb Men Jokes
1. What is the
thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. . . . . men will screw anything.
3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
5. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the the neck up.
9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows . . . . . . It's never been done.
11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.
12. What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.
14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
15. Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.
16. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
17. How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.
What Men Know About Women.
2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. . . . . men will screw anything.
3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
5. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the the neck up.
9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows . . . . . . It's never been done.
11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.
12. What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.
14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
15. Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.
16. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
17. How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.
Why Some Men Prefer Dating Bimbo's
10. Much easier
to prove that you're superior.
9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.
8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera."
7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet--even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.
6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.
5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys.'
4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality -- now please finish putting on that French maid outfit.
3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.
2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe your definition of eight inches.
1. They will put up with you.
9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.
8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera."
7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet--even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.
6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.
5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys.'
4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality -- now please finish putting on that French maid outfit.
3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.
2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe your definition of eight inches.
1. They will put up with you.
Tough Questions for Men
Here are answers
to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men.
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly.
"And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily.
"And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.
"And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly.
"And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily.
"And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.
"And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."
Stupid Men Jokes
What do you call
a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to mary virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "where?"
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swellin down.
Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to mary virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "where?"
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swellin down.
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