IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT GOOD LAWYER

NO LAWYERS

In Bakersfield, California, developers of the Fairway Oaks community
designed their dream homes to have 5 bedrooms, a Jacuzzi, a backyard largeenough for an in-ground pool, and NO LAWYERS! This made attorney Tim Liebaert so angry - he's suing. "I was very mad," said Liebaert, after learning that his application for a new Fairway Oaks home had been rejected because of his profession.

Lawyer and a Doctor (Impaired of Hearing)

A lawyer and a doctor (both impaired of hearing) were riding a bus in New York, and here's an excerpt of the conversation they were having:

L: So you mentioned that you sue people all the time?
D: Yes, sewing is part of my job.
L: In that case I can give you my card, I could be useful to you.
D: Sorry we do only livers.
L: But I am alive, dont you think I qualify?
D: But you look fine to me, and I don't see a reason to cut you?
L: Well, I could sue you for saying that. I am kind of sensitive.
D: Where did you learn that, I thought you spend most of your time in
court?
L: That's what they teach us to do in court.
D: So do you have a nurse to assist you?
L: Actually the nerds taught us a lot back in school.
D: I think I really learned something today. My station has arrived, I will
see you again.
L: Perhaps we should switch our jobs, from what I learned today.
D: Didn't I tell you before that we stitch only livers.
L: Do you mean I am dead? Look I am really losing my patience.
D: You are deaf too, well I think then we are friends.

How About That

Two law partners were walking down the street one day and agreed that thefirst one to die would come back and help the other from beyond. As it turned out, the older of the two did in fact die a couple of weeks later and that left the younger lawyer all alone and very discouraged. He waited and waited and his partner never showed any signs of contacting him. Then, after about two months, a friend suggested he go visit a clairvoyant and maybe receive the help he needed. The younger lawyer summoned up as much courage as he could and found the address. After walking down a seemingly never ending set of steps and rapping the brass knocker a couple of times,
the door opened and through a screen of dangling beads, he saw a little old lady sitting at a table with a crystal ball in front of her. "Can you help me please?" he said. "My partner just recently died and I would very much like to get in contact with him." To which the woman responded, "for 50 dollars you can talk to your partner, but he won't be able to talk to you. For 100 dollars, he will be able to talk to you, but not you to him. And for 200 dollars, you will both be able to talk to each other while I'm drinking a glass of water."

Some stories from the american court of Justice

Lawyer asks question to witness
Q:What happened then?
A:He said "I will kill you, because you may identify me" to me
Q:Did he kill you?
***************************************
Q:Do you have a child or something like that?
A:oh yes.I have one monkey.
***************************************
Q:I show you the third evidence and ask you if you recognize
this picture
A:yes its my picture
Q:were you there while this photo taken?
A:Nooo! I was in Guatemela's independence day festivals
****************************************
Q:Now Mrs. Johnson, How was your first marriage ended?
A:Because of death
Q:For whose because of death
A:because of Guatemela's president death
****************************************
Q:Then you were not there until you return there, is it?
A:yeah, I was here, there in somewhere

Bill of Rights

Two Lawyers are arguing in court one day, and finally, the judge
calls for order. Attorney Smith speaks up and says, "Your honor,
I objected because it's obvious that attourney Jones has never
even heard of the Bill of Rights."

"Oh yeah, Smith? It just so happens I know The Bill of Rights by
heart, word for word!"

"OK then, tell me the first few words, if your so smart.",
replied Smith

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the---"

"Damn you! I didn't think you'd know it.

Lawyer and a Plumber

Submitted by stephanie l gregory on Sun, the 5th of January, 2003, 6:01 am

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaimed, "This
is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!" The plumber
calmly replied, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."

Charity contribution

An attorney was asked to make a contribution to a worthwhile
charity. His response was, "I guess you hadn't heard, my mother
is suffering from a terminal illness and she has medical bills
which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled combat
veteran. He is not only blind, but is in a wheelchair and he has
to take ten different medicines a day. My sister is an only
parent of three children since her husband died without life
insurance. She has no college and scrubs floors for a living
while moonlighting by taking in ironing. My wife is in a mental
ward, and may never get out. My only child is in a drug
rehabilitation program, but he left and no one can find him."

Before he could get his breath and continue on, the fund raiser
thought it wisest to end this and let the poor man alone. "You
are correct, sir. I had no idea of your problems. Of course we
can't expect you to make a contribution with so many demands
already on your income."

The attorney nods and replies, "Exactly. Why should I contribute
to your organization when I don't even give to my own family?"

Laywer Joke

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly,
he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're
doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice
while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't
see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Lawyer the Hunting Dog

There was a man who loved to go pheasant hunting in the fall of
year and read an advertisement of a dog trainer that rented out
"the world's best bird dogs." He decided to try one of these
dogs since he had never had any luck with the hunting dog he
already owned. He went to the dog trainer and asked, "I read
your ad and would like to rent one of your dogs to hunt
pheasants for the day. I would like the best dog in your kennel."

The dog trainer replied, "Well, then you would want Lawyer. He
has a great nose and always scares up dozens of pheasants. He
rents for $50 per day."

"Great!" the hunter replied.

The hunter paid the fee and took Lawyer out to a field and sure
enough, he flushed out one bird after another and by the end of
the day the man had shot his limit of pheasants.

The next year the man knew he had to go back to this same kennel
and rent Lawyer. However, upon arriving the dog trainer told the
hunter that Lawyer now rented for $100 a day. "Why is that?" the
hunter asked.

"Well, Lawyer is even better this year. Take him out and you'll
see."

The hunter felt it was worth the $100 if the dog was better than
the last year and so he paid the fee and went out to a field and
sure enough, Lawyer flushed out so many pheasants that the
hunter had shot his limit before lunch time.

The next year the man returned to rent Lawyer for the day but
was surprised to discover that the dog now rented for $500 a
day. The dog trainer said, "He's expensive because he is in such
high demand. Everybody wants Lawyer. And why not? He's an even
better bird dog than last year."

Once again the hunter felt it was worth the price and so he paid
the $500 and went out to a field. Lawyer was fantastic and the
hunter shot his limit of pheasant within an hour.

The next year the hunter returned to rent Lawyer. "How much this
year?" he said.

"$5," the dog trainer replied.

"$5?" the hunter exclaimed. What do you mean $5? The first year
you charged $50, the second year $100 and last year $500? What
happened that Lawyer is suddenly so cheap?"

The dog trainer responded, "A couple of weeks ago a couple of
guys came in and rented Lawyer and took him out to hunt
pheasants but in the process they mistakenly called him
Judge....and now all he does is sit on his butt and bark!"

Heaven or Hell?

There once was a lawyer who lived her whole life without ever
taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact,
she made sure that every case she did resulted in a win-win
situation.

One day, while walking down the street, she was tragically hit
by a bus, and she died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven, where she
was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to
Heaven," said St. Peter, "Before you get settled in, though it,
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never
once had a lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure
what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the lawyer.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going
to do is to let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and
then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity
in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven."

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that, St. Peter put the
lawyer in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The
doors opened and the lawyer found herself stepping out onto the
putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a
country club and standing in front of her were all her
friends--fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were
all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club, where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy,
and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The lawyer
was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time
to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got
on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time
to spend a day in Heaven." So the lawyer spent the next 24 hours
lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up
and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell
and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your
eternity."

The lawyer paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and
all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the lawyer
went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the
elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate
wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were
dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it
in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the lawyer, "yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate
lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is
a wasteland of garbage, and all my friends look miserable." The
Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because yesterday we
were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

The Old Man's Dying Wish

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his
lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you
told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you
want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his
bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear
that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and
said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law
degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he struggled to breathe his last breath, the old
man said, "One... less... lawyer..."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me
how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure
how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it
and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he
knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he
was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about
it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I
miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Which Heart?

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see
what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart
transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were
any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no
object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an
18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great
diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's
$100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old,
great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's
$150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a
steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."

Talk like a lawyer

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students,
"If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to
you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim
and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice,
pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite,
cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and
without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or
hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or
kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

When Do You Need a New Lawyer?

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five
each other.

4. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

5. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

6. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."

7. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra.

8. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one
with the little hammer, right?"

9. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little
quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

10. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
"Whatever."