RELATIONSHIPS

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

25. It's OK to bleed during play

24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time-out

23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.

22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.

21. You can still play when you get married.

20. You can change on the fly.

19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.

18. If you can't get it up, who cares.

17. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at.

16. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over
again.

15. It is broadcast live on TV.

14. Every one can shoot at the same goal.

13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing.

12. Because of the face-mask, nothing can get in your.

11. You always know how big the stick is.

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.

9. The puck is always hard.

8. Protective equipment is reusable, and you don't ever have to
wash it.

7. It lasts a full hour.

6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

5. Your parents cheer when you score.

4. Periods only last twenty minutes.

3. You can count on it at least twice a week.

2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards

And the # 1 reason why hockey is better than sex---A two-on-one
or three-on-one is common in hockey.

The Top 16 Signs Your Wedding Day Isn't Going Well

16> The ceremony is spoiled by the insistent beeping from the bride's ankle cuff.

15> You're forced to exchange vows from separate rooms because of that week-old restraining order.

14> The bride's father gets his feelings hurt when her pimp insists on giving her away.

13> Even though he's sitting in the front row, you still don't remember the Grim Reaper being on the guest list.

12> At the end of the ceremony, Reverend Jones proposes a Kool-Aid toast.

11> Your bride enthusiastically shouts, "I do!" Unfortunately, it's when the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage.

10> The ceremony starts in 20 minutes and you're still fighting over who gets to wear the dress.

9> "Do you take this man, Scott Peterson, to be your...."

8> When the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" crew shows up to help plan the upcoming honeymoon, your fiance becomes alarmingly smitten with Carson the fashion savant.

7> "Something blue" is Grandma. Better call 911.

6> After greeting your bride by name, the honeymoon hotel clerk asks if she wants the room for the whole night this time.

5> Something old? Check.
Something new? Check.
Something borrowed? Check.
Something blew? Chuck, the best man.

4> You spot Ron Jeremy sitting on the bride's side of the church.

3> The groom refuses to put on the ring on your finger, saying, "Not the Preciousssss!"

2> Saying your vows extemporaneously was going great until you drew a blank on a rhyme for "clitoris."

1> You can't seem to find your tuxedo pants. But even if you could, the wedding is in Nebraska and you're handcuffed to a dominatrix in Singapore.

16        Signs more

16> Writing your wedding vows in Klingon seemed like such a cool idea at the bachelor party.

15> During the toast, when the bride's father refers to his daughter as "pure and virtuous," you laugh and blow champagne out your nose.

14> Sure, it rains at some outdoor weddings, but hellfire and brimstone?

13> The bride figurine atop the wedding cake? A fluffy white sheep.
Your pissed-off bride? A goat.

12> Getting married at Graceland seemed like a good idea, but you didn't count on that annoying spinning sound coming from Daddy's grave.

11> The ring bearer keeps dropping the bride's glass eye.

10> Your wedding planner convinced you to forgo a traditional reception in favor of a contemporary "flash-mob reception."

9> Traditional wedding: rice.
Your wedding: scorpions.

8> As soon as your vows are complete, Anna Nicole "accidentally" kicks over your ventilator.

7> Your bride keeps on telling you that it's unlucky to see her *after* the wedding.

6> Your vows are to love, honor, obey, remember to feed Bubbles and the llamas every night, and keep up the subscription to "NAMBLA Illustrated."

5> You can't get the ceremony started because the altar keeps bursting into flames whenever your fiancee approaches it.

4> Mid-ceremony, the priest whips out a chicken foot and begins to sprinkle yak urine on the bride.

3> "Do you, CuteBabe19, take BigGuy23-- damn, the server's down again!"

2> One hour before the big "I do," you suddenly realize there's a bridesmaid you haven't nailed.

1> You broke three bones in your hand in an altercation with photographers, your bride split the seam of her Vera Wang when she sat down, and now that little turd Matt Damon can't find the friggin' ring.

Cell Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk.


MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. Its only $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $740,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Breakfast for Newlyweds

This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards."

The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room. The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast bpought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"

Thoughts on Marriage

NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE : Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law `etter than I like mine."

WIFE : The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?

NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE : Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.

The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is 'desserts' spelled backwards.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. One of his closest friends said to him: "You can't be serious about marrying Sarah Jane!"
"Why", he asked. "She's dated every man in Phoenix."

The bridegroom-to-be thought awhile and then muttered pensively, "Phoenix isn't such a big town."

MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he's out of town.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here either."

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?

How to Shower Like a Woman/Man

How to Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile"turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.

3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.

4. Turn on hot water only.

5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.

6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake bodywash.

11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been EATING your ginger nut and java cake body wash.

12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).

13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.

14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.

15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

******************************

How to Shower Like a Man:

1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the floor.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife alon the way, flash her.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)

4. Turn on the water.

5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)

6. Get in the shower.

7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)

8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.

9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.

10. Wash your rear end.

11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.


12. Make a shampoo mohawk.

13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.

14. Pee.

15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your wife to find you a clean one.

18. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel, if you pass your wife, flash her.

 

100 Reasons why its great to be a Guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 

3. You know stuff about tanks. 

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

5. Monday Night Football. 

6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 

8. You can open all your own jars. 

9. Friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 

11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying. 

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 

13. All your orgasms are real. 

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 

17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny. 

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 

19. Your last name stays put. 

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 

22. You can kill your own food. 

23. The garage is all yours. 

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment". 

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 

27. You never have to clean the toilet. 

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship. 

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 

35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. 

37. You can be 34 and single, and nobody notices. 

38. You can write your name in the snow. 

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack. 

42. You can be president. 

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 

44. Flowers fix everything. 

45. You never have to worry about other peoples' feelings. 

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 

48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 

51. Foreplay is optional. 

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 

58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut or not. 

59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me." 

60. The world is your urinal. 

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 

64. One mood, all the time. 

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too scuzzy. 

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 

69. Same work....more pay. 

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add desirability to your appearance. 

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 

72. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100. 

73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 

74. With 400 million spermatozoa per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 

75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 

77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 

78. Nobody looks at your chest when you're talking to them. 

79. ESPN's sports center. 

80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 

81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers. 

82. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 

84. You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 

86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "f*#k it, just f*#k it!" 

88. If another guy shows up at a party wearing the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 

89. You never have to read the instruction manual. 

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 

93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 

94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 

98. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different about me?" 

99. Baywatch 

100. There is always a game on somewhere.