On The Job Wisdom

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Sleeping on the Job

Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle:

1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
the last time management course you sent me to."

4. "I was working smarter, not harder."

5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm!"

7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

9. "I'm in the management training program."

10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise
Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you (boss)
made me attend."

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I
dreamed about work!"

12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who
practice Yoga?"

13. "The coffee machine is broke...."

14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear
off!"

16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the
Walton's)"

18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!"

19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact
lenses without using my hands."

20. "The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing
dead to avoid getting shot."

21. "I thought you (boss) were gone for the day."

Good Things to Say When You're Stressed at Work

Good Things to Say When You're Stressed at work:

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Un.... you!"

2. "You say I'm a bad like it's a bad thing?!"

3. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

6. "Do I look to you like a  people person!"

7. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

8. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

9. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

10. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

11. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

12. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

13. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

14. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

15. "Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

16. "Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done."

17. "You look like sh!t. Is that the style now?"

18. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

19. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."