She's new to football

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

He is new to baseball

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Baseball in Heaven?

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Quotes of Yogi Berra

Yogi Berra Quotes

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra

Digger Phelps quotes

Digger Phelps' Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

"Basketball is a game of two halves."

"We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins."

"You're either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle."

"He's like all great players -- not great yet."

"You don't score 86 points without being able to shoot."

Mixed football jokes

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.

"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"

"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.

"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

The Cowboy excuses

Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)

From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995

1.     Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.

2.     Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.

3.     Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.

4.     Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."

5.     Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.

6.     Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.

7.     Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!

8.     What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!

9.     Tired of going to Disneyland.

Workout at the gym

At the Gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1

They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

The Tyson one-liners

Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!

Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"

Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

The NFL team names

NFL Team Lame Names

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys

Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs

Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders

San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers

Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks

AFC Central:

Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels

Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns

Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers

Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers

AFC East:

Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils

Buffalo Spills

Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts

Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins

Miami Soft Ones

New England Patriots - New England Patsys

New York Jets - New York Pets

New York Not Yets

NFC West:

Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons

New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's

Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs

San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners

NFC Central:

Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs

Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's

Detroit Kittens

Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers

Green Bay Slackers

Green Bay Whackers

Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes

Minnesota ViQueens

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers

NFC East:

Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals

Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls

Dallas Cowpie

New York Giants - New York Midgets

Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles

Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins

Expansion Teams:

Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers

Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars

A plethora of cute and short jokes for you

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 

I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down!

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" The pharmacist asks, "You mean aspirin?" "That's it, I can never remember the word."

"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor says, "Tell him I can't see him!"

There are only two things that are certain in this life - Death and Taxes. Unless you are wealthy - then there are Monaco and Cryogenics. 

There was a girl I dated in high school whose name was Becky, but everyone called her "Lincoln" because all the guys took a shot at her in the balcony.

A cheetah and a lion are racing. The cheetah wins. But the lion says to the cheetah, "You're a cheetah!". The cheetah says, "Nah, you lion!" 

Why isn't palindrome spelled the same way backwards?

If a man doesn't have any fingers, can he be counted on?

A man accidentally cut off all of his fingers with a saw. The doctor said, "Thank goodness for microsurgery. Give me the fingers, and I'll sew them back on!" The man said, "I couldn't pick them up!"

I'm a pessimistic optimist. I expect the worst - that way things can only get better.

I'm right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%? 

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 

Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. 

I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls.

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I got tired of treasure hunting, so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant "X".

How many weeks are there in a light year?

A policeman pulled me over and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "You should really ask a psychic!"

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A tree's favorite drink is root beer.

How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino's Pizza sign off the top. 

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The things that come to those who wait are actually the things that were left by those who got there first! 

Can bald people get a hairline fracture?

Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us would have never been born!

If you get mono twice, isn't that stereo?

What did the horse say when he fell? "Help, I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

"Doctor, I have a memory problem!" The doctor says, "When did it start?" "When did what start?"

My frosted flakes melted in the summer. 

I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.

A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo. Police suspect a copycat killer.

When I was a kid, I was so poor we would go to KFC and lick other people's fingers. 

I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them that I'm psychic. 

I got a jump rope, but it's just a rope. Turns out you have to do the jumping part. 

If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we'll really be in a jam.

The Wheel: Man's greatest invention until he got behind it.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the good news?" Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "I should have called you yesterday!"

If you're on a cruise, you're with newlyweds, over-feds and nearly deads!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

What did Kenny G say when he got into the elevator? Wow, this place rocks! 

Patient: "Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I'm Mickey Mouse, some days I think I'm Donald Duck" Doctor: "How long have you had these Disney spells?"

If siamese twins get mono, is it called stereo? 

I'm a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they're playing.

Did you hear about the two maggots making love in dead Earnest? 

Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer?

Tony the Tiger was arrested for being a cereal killer. 

Another way to say "water" is H2O. It sounds fancy, but it's just h, i, j, k, l, m, n and o.

If vampires have no reflection, how do they have such neat hair?

I have three beautiful children. I have four children, but only three are beautiful. 

My friend is dieting. He says weight gain is due to water retention. My weight gain is due to ice cream retention.

Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. The color ran from Bush's face, and he was visibly shaken. Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. 

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there is a clock on the oven. 

"Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor says, "Take these pills, if they don't work, give me a ring."

Two fish are in a tank. One says the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

My car's brakes aren't working, so I bought an anchor.

A cemetery raised its costs, but blamed it on the cost of living.

I watch the Westminister Dog Show for the commercials.

I saw a homeless person getting off a bus, and I thought, "How does he know which stop is his?"

I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.

The last thing I need to worry about is my anxiety disorder. 

A man was examined at a hospital and was awaiting the results. The doctor comes in and says, "I have bad news. You're going to die in 10." The panic-striken man says, "10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?" The doctor says, "9 - 8 - 7 - 6...."

I may look stupid, but it's hereditary.

My new workout plan is working! I'm benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 - whenever the weights are free.

"Did your deaf aunt make it to her hearing?" "No, she was impaired!"

Last time my wife gave me a foot massage, my back ended up smelling funny.

I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 1,000 aspirin. After the first two, I felt better!

Are children who act in R-rated movies allowed to see them?

Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

I thought a thought, but the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.

I'm not saying that Charlie Sheen's rehab isn't going well, but CBS just renamed the show "Two and a Half Kilos". 

How do they get the "Keep off the grass" sign on the grass?

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

When French people swear, do they say "Pardon my English"? 

"Doctor, I think I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor says, "Sit in the waiting room, I'll deal with you later."

I ran five miles today. Finally, I had to say, "OK Lady, here's your purse back." 

A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks, "Make me one with everything!"

Overweight is something that just snacks up on you.
Doctor to patient: "I'd tell you what your condition is, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it!"

If the grass is greener on the other side - water your grass!

When someone hits you in the face, turn the other cheek. That way the swelling is even!

I went to a ballet once. I couldn't even tell who won.

There are 3 essential tools: duct tape, WD40 and a hammer. If something is moving and it shouldn't be, duct tape it. If it isn't moving and it should be, use WD40. If it still doesn't move, hit it with a hammer. If it breaks, tape it back together with the duct tape.

Patient: "Doctor, something is wrong! I'm shrinking!" Doctor: "Now, now - you'll have to be a little patient!"

I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall, but they were all out.

A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother says, "Not yet."

Saturn is the richest planet, you can tell by all the rings.

I joined a secret club; the guy at the door asked me, "What's the password?" I told him, "Aren't you supposed to know that?" 

How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine? It's the one with the teeth marks.

Life begins when you're born, and ends with an E.

I had to catch a train, so I got a really big mitt. 

I have a Master's Degree in Engineering. I told the owner I'll return in in two days.

Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again".

Two buckets of vomit were walking down the street. One says to the other, "That's where I was brought up!"

How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? Ask him for his autograph.

How do you find an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.

A woman discovers an intruder in the kitchen eating the leftover steak and kidney pie. The husband asks, "Should I call the police or an ambulance?"

Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!

What does Snoop Dogg use to color his hair? Ble-Otch.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle. 

A man waited two months to have an appointment with his doctor. The doctor says, "I wish you had seen me sooner!"

Have you heard that priests can kiss the nuns now? It's okay as long as they don't get in the habit.

What sound does a cat make when it's on fire? Whooosh! 

What's big, gray and can't climb trees? A parking lot.

Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.

I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, "Sorry about the weight!"

My wife and I were told we couldn't have children - by our landlord.

To work at Starbucks, should you have graduated Magna Cum Latte?

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look too astonished.

Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"

I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us.

Never moon a werewolf.

You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!

Why can't a pony sing? Because it's a little horse. 

What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas.

A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. "I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore."

Can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils? 

What goes around a button? A billy goat.

Is Visine.com a site for sore eyes? 

I've told you a million times not to exaggerate!

One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

In high school, my school team was the "Fighting Indians". The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.

Don't go knocking on heaven's door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that! 

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I love kids! Let's exchange recipes.

In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.

A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I'm lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Are board games supposed to make you bored? 

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open.

Why shouldn't you play poker in the savannah? There might be a cheetah.

I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

Duct tape is like "the force". It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

You can say anything foolish to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God! You're right! I would have never thought of that!"

Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.

I don't like to fly Virgin Airlines, because they don't go all the way.