WE LOVE TECHNOLOGY ….

Husbands' Performance

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''

The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''
The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''

Nerd Sayings Galore

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. <--- The information went data way --->
11. Best file compression around: ''''DEL *.*'''' = 100% compression.
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.
14. The name is Baud, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn''''t DOS ever say ''''EXCELLENT command or filename!''''
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y''''all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don'''' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny.
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer''''s attention span is as long as it''''s power cord.
31. 11th commandment-Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor''''s Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as dating formation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who''''s General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I''''m modeming... and I can''''t hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. ''''640K ought to be enough for anybody.'''' - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
54. Press any key...... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
55. Press – continue…

Nerd Season

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over.

On aproaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.
He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. “Are you a nerd?” the bartender asks. “No, I'm a truck driver,” he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. “What the hell did you do that for!?” asks the trucker. “Well,” the bartender answers, “It's nerd season.”
“Nerd season?” asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season.” So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.
While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, “STOP! STOP!”
“What?” the trucker asks, confused, “I thought it was nerd season?”
“Well yeah,” the officer answers, “but you can't bait 'em!”

Programmer Lines for When their Programs Fail

20) "That's weird..."
19) "It's never done that before."
18) "It worked yesterday."
17) "How is that possible?"
16) "It must be a hardware problem."
15) "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14) "There is something funky in your data."
13) "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12) "You must have the wrong version."
11) "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10) "I can't test everything!"
9) "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8) "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7) "Somebody must have changed my code."
6) "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5) "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4) "You can't use that version on your system."
3) "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2) "Where were you when the program blew up?"
1) "It works on my machine."

Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.

Some Character

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

Tech Glossary

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

The Three Horses of the Apocalypse

The world is going to end in three days, so God calls the three most important leaders on the planet to help him break the news to the masses: Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Jean Creitian.

Bill Clinton goes back to America and tells Congress and the Senate that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is the world is going to end in three days, the good news is that they can finally stop all those investigations of him.
Bill Gates goes back to Seattle and tells Microsoft that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is that the world will end in three days. The good news is that there won't be a follow up to Windows 98.
Jean Creitian goes back to Canada and says he has good news, really good news and amazingly good news: "The good news god thinks I am a world leader, the really good news is that all those problems with the budget won't exist in three days and the amazingly good news is that I won't have to put up with that annoying little twit Preston Manning any more."

Windows 666

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.

So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."
Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo."

How to Shower Like a Woman/Man

How to Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile"turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.

3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.

4. Turn on hot water only.

5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.

6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake bodywash.

11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been EATING your ginger nut and java cake body wash.

12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).

13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.

14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.

15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

******************************

How to Shower Like a Man:

1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the floor.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife alon the way, flash her.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)

4. Turn on the water.

5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)

6. Get in the shower.

7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)

8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.

9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.

10. Wash your rear end.

11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.


12. Make a shampoo mohawk.

13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.

14. Pee.

15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your wife to find you a clean one.

18. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel, if you pass your wife, flash her.

 

100 Reasons why its great to be a Guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 

3. You know stuff about tanks. 

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

5. Monday Night Football. 

6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 

8. You can open all your own jars. 

9. Friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 

11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying. 

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 

13. All your orgasms are real. 

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 

17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny. 

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 

19. Your last name stays put. 

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 

22. You can kill your own food. 

23. The garage is all yours. 

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment". 

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 

27. You never have to clean the toilet. 

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship. 

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 

35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. 

37. You can be 34 and single, and nobody notices. 

38. You can write your name in the snow. 

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack. 

42. You can be president. 

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 

44. Flowers fix everything. 

45. You never have to worry about other peoples' feelings. 

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 

48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 

51. Foreplay is optional. 

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 

58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut or not. 

59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me." 

60. The world is your urinal. 

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 

64. One mood, all the time. 

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too scuzzy. 

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 

69. Same work....more pay. 

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add desirability to your appearance. 

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 

72. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100. 

73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 

74. With 400 million spermatozoa per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 

75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 

77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 

78. Nobody looks at your chest when you're talking to them. 

79. ESPN's sports center. 

80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 

81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers. 

82. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 

84. You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 

86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "f*#k it, just f*#k it!" 

88. If another guy shows up at a party wearing the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 

89. You never have to read the instruction manual. 

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 

93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 

94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 

98. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different about me?" 

99. Baywatch 

100. There is always a game on somewhere.

You're stressed when

You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.


The Sun is too loud.


Trees begin to chase you. 

You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of    espresso.


You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.


You can hear mimes.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.


You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.


Things become "Very Clear." 

You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.


You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.


You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand. 

The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.


You and Reality file for divorce.


You can skip without a rope. 

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.


You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more

confused than before.


You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. 

You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.


You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.


Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.


You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.