Funny Shirts

Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them...

Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. 

Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE;

1) You believe in Santa Claus. 

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You become Santa Claus. 

4) You start to look like Santa Claus.

Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The money is always greener in the other guys wallet.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

She Who MUST be obeyed

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.

When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

I love my cat. My cat does not care.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.

My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.

Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

What if the Hokey Pokey is really what its all about?

Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.

Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?

And your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

No one pays attention until you make a mistake.

Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.

If I save time, when do I get it back?

A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Are you sure I’m (age)? I want a recount!

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Born free. Taxed to death.

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine!

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.

Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Women have PMS. Men have ESPN.

Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.

Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.

Who do you want to talk to: 

1) the man is charge or 

2) the woman who really knows what’s going on?If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I’m living in the pits!
 
Barney sucks.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I’m not going.

If you scratch your rear, don’t bite your fingernails.

Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.

If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement.

Fart in church, and you’ll sit in own pew.

Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.

Its not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. Its the jerks.

I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it.

People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks. 

People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists.

Once you’ve climbed the ladder of success, you’re over the hill.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.

Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.

Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. 

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, its too dark to read.

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

The screw up fairy has visited us again.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

And your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade my job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay check.

When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.

Constant change is here to stay.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Don’t be old until you have lived!

Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today’s good stuff.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!

Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

Fast Food Fun

Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?

1. Ask for last months specials.

2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.

3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.

4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.

5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.

6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.

7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.

8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.

9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.

10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.

11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.

12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.

13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.

14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!

15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having

16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.

17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.

18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.

19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.

20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you
this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."

21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.

22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.

23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.

24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.

25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.

Funny Football Quotes

Dick Butkus: "I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important —like a league game or something."

Jack Tatum: "I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault."

Jim Finks, when asked after a loss what he thought of the officiating: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy referees."

Dave Barry: "I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body."

Unknown: "One of the great disappointments of a football game is that the cheerleaders never seem to get injured."

Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Terrell Owens, of the San Francisco 49ers, was asked for one word to describe himself. He said "confident." When asked for another word he said "very."

Tim Green: "Let's face it, you have to have a slightly recessive gene that has a little something to do with the brain to go out on the football field and beat your head against other human beings on a daily basis."

Frank Gifford: "Pro Football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors."

Big Daddy Lipscomb: "I just wrap my arms around the whole backfield and peel 'em one by one until I get to the ball carrier. Him I keep."

Heywood Hale Broun: "Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it."

George Will: "Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings."

Steve Henderson: "I'd catch a punt naked, in the snow, in Buffalo, for a chance to play in the NFL."

Arnold Mandell: "Football is not a game but a religion, a metaphysical island of fundamental truth in a highly verbalized, disguised society, a throwback of 30,000 generations of anthropological time."

Phyllis Diller: "The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public."

George Rogers: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Doug Plank: "Most football teams are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental."

Deion Sanders, commenting on the troubled Randy Moss: "He's like a beautiful woman who can't cook, doesn't want to clean and doesn't want to take care of the kids. You really don't want her, but she's so beautiful that you can't let her go."

Jay Leno, commenting on the NCAA plans, to reach college athletes, by launching an anti-gambling campaign on the Cartoon Network: "You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network."

Tony Kornheiser: "Men are clinging to football on a level we aren't even aware of. For centuries, we ruled everything, and now, in the last ten minutes, there are all these incursions by women. It's our Alamo."

Jeff Gordon, St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer, commenting on the poor attendance at Arizona Cardinal games: "If Marc Bulger throws an interception in Sun Devil Stadium and nobody is there to see it, is it still an interception?"

Lou Groza, NFL Hall of Fame kicker: "Old place-kickers never die, they just go on missing the point."

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle, on how football players will have different attitudes in the future.: "Twenty years from now, today's football players will be saying, 'Back in my day, we didn't do all the outlandish stuff these kids are doing. We kept it dignified, with Sharpies and cell phones."

Deacon Jones: "I'm the best defensive end around. I'd hate to have to play against me."

Sam Wyche, who had his vocal cords accidentally cut during a biopsy and now has trouble yelling across the field during practices, relating what some old players of his had to say: "Why didn't his happen 20 years ago? I wouldn't have had to run as many laps."

Julie Brown, prior to the 1993 Super Bowl between the Dallas Cowboys and the Buffalo Bills, asked Emmitt Smith: "What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?"

Will Allen, then at Syracuse University, upon being introduced to Hall of Famer Lynn Swann and being told that Swann was one of the greatest wide receivers in NFL history said: "And what team did you play for?"

Paul Tagliabue, NFL Commissioner: "I'm a firm believer that all sports will eventually be global. Someday, we may have a quarterback from China named Yao Fling."

John Lynch, Tampa Bay Buccaneers safety, commenting on the Budweiser beer commercials featuring the me-first football player Leon: "Great commercials during the game. Especially like the Budweiser one with Keyshawn...I mean Leon."

Deion Sanders, on why he doesn't like the two-week break between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl: "Having two weeks off gives family, friends and the media more time to get on your nerves."

Marvin Lewis, suggesting that coaches should be able to add monikers on players uniforms, like "He Hate Me" during training camp, he suggested the following examples: "He Doesn't Listen,"; "He Jumps Offsides"; and "He Can't See."

Craig Kilborn, CBS late-night television host, commenting on how crass Janet Jackson's halftime incident was during Super Bowl XXXVIII: "so crass and so sleazy that Fox television is launching its own investigation (as to) why they didn't do it first."

Chad Bratzke, explaining life in the NFL: "The pads don't keep you from getting hurt. They just keep you from getting killed."

Bret Lewis, Los Angeles radio announcer: "The Philadelphia Eagles signed wide receiver Terrell Owens despite his reputation as a clubhouse cancer. A few days later, the home of the Eagles, Veterans Stadium, implodes. Connect the dots, people."

Tom Arnold, of Fox Sports Net's Best Damn Sports Show Period, during the "Things you wouldn't say to.... segment, said this about Warren Sapp: "Hey, Warren, the Raiders signed you to a seven-year deal. I guess Bill Callahan was right --- they are the dumbest team in America."

Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson, suggesting that Terry Bradshaw wasn't very smart: "He's so dumb, he couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted him the 'c' and the 'a'."

Ricky Williams: "I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test, I failed a test because I was ready to quite football."

William "The Refrigerator" Perry: "I've been big ever since I was little."

Rodney Landingham, University of Nevada defensive back, arrested on charges of bank robbery, in a jailhouse interview was quoted as saying: "It would've been worth it if I hadn't gotten caught."

Chuck Mills: "When it comes to football, God is prejudiced - toward big, fast kids."

Luke Salisbury: "Watching football is like watching pornography. There's plenty of action, and I can't take my eyes off it, but when it's over, I wonder why the hell I spent an afternoon doing it."

Sue Lawley: "American football makes rugby look like a Tupperware party."

Frank Middleton, Oakland Raiders; prior to Super Bowl XXXVII he was asked what was the best thing his ex-head coach Jon Gruden did for the Oakland Raiders. Frank said: "Leave."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Terry Bradshaw: "I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid."

Reggie Williams, when asked his greatest strengths as a football player : "Speed, strength, and the inability to register pain immediately."

Elbert Hubbard: "College football is a sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture."

Randy Cross: "The NFL, like life, is full of idiots."

Merle Kessler: "Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers."

Joe Jacoby: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl"
Matt Millen: "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom, too."

Blackie Sherrod, on an auto wreck involving hard-living quarterback Bobby Layne: "After indulging is some heavy, late-night research with some scholarly friends, Bobby was driving back to his hotel, innocently enough, when he was side-swiped by several empty cars lurking at curbside."

Duffy Daugherty: "A tie is like kissing your sister."

Jeff Kemp: "Rapport? You mean like, 'You run as fast as you can, and I'll throw it as far as I can'?"

President Gerald Ford: "I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers, who were pretty hard up for linemen in those days. If I had gone into professional football the name Jerry Ford might have been a household word today."

Emmitt Smith, when asked about new Cowboy coach Bill "The Big Tuna" Parcells: "I have not talked to him, but I have been eating a lot of tuna."

Jack "The Assassin" Tatum, former Raiders defensive back: "I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault."

Howie Long, having fun at the expense of Fox colleague Terry Bradshaw: "In Montana, they renamed a town after an all-time great, Joe Montana. Well, a town in Massachusetts changed their name to honor my guy Terry Bradshaw--Marblehead."

Jim Brosnahan, the defense attorney representing the city of Oakland in the NFL team's suit against the city of Oakland, after a couple of lively courtroom exchanges between Brosnahan and Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, this exchange took place in court:
BROSNAHAN - "Would it be fair to say you turned around the Raiders in the 1960s?"
DAVIS - "You're being too kind to me."
BROSNAHAN - "It won't last. Let's enjoy the moment."

Conan O'Brien, on the NFL starting its own cable network: This is good because up until now, the only channel to find 24-hour coverage of the NFL players was Court TV."

Erma Bombeck: "If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

Duffy Daugherty: "Football isn't a contact sport, it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."

George Will: "Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings.

Deacon Jones: "I was the originator of smack. Some guys rattle with smack; with other guys it rolls right off their shoulders like nothing."

Max McGee: "When it's third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers and I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."

Press box Maxim: "Playing football in the morning is like eating cabbage for breakfast."

Tex Schramm, responding to holdout running back's description of him as "sick and demented and dishonest", Schramm replied laughing: "That's not bad. He got two out of three right."

Jason Taylor, on why he presented the whole Miami Dolphins locker room with a gift box of of products from one of his sponsors, Neutrogena: "To rectify some of the ugliness going on in this locker room."

Randy Moss, explaining the no-look, over-the-shoulder lateral to Moe Williams for a 59-yard touchdown: "It' a once-in-a-lifetime thing that only happens every so often."

Rod Smith, when asked if he had ever seen a similar play to the Randy Moss to Moe Williams, no-look, over-the-shoulder lateral play: "Yeah, on PlayStation."

Bill Curry: "He's a leading leader on this football team."

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle reporter, commenting on the announcement that the NFL hopes to put a team in Los Angeles by 2008: "L.A. greeted the news with widespread riots, crazy parties and celebrations, honking and shouting, cars overturned and set afire, and thousands of gunshots fired into the air. Or, maybe that stuff had nothing to do with the NFL announcement."

Leroy Hoard, describing his running style: "You need two yards, I'll get you three. You need 10 yards, I'll get you three."

Ray Lewis: "Pain is only temporary, no matter how long it lasts."

Torrin Polk, talking about his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Gary Anderson, FG kicker,: "One thing I've learned over the years is sometimes if you make kicks early in the game, you don't have to make them late."

Phil Simms, remarking on how underdogs never give up hope in football games: "I remember one time, playing for the Giants, when we were playing the unbeatable Dallas Cowboys, they were 8 and 1."

Funny Sports (mis)Quotes

"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." (John Sleightholme, sports presenter BBC 1

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (John Arlott)

"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get
his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)

"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett

"Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's sh*tting on a shooting stick." (Brian Johnstone)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square." (Trevor Bailey)

"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering)

"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)

"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation." (Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimeter perfect" (Ted Lowe)

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (Jon Snagge, Boat Race)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel, a Mecca for tourists." (David Vine)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

Quotes About Dogs

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? -- Unknown

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. -- Holbrook Jackson

It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing milk-bone underwear -- Norm, on Cheers

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's much too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -- Unknown

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. -- Unknown

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. -- Gene Hill

In dog years, I'm dead. -- Unknown

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. -- Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -- Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. -- Sue Murphy

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. -- August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. -- Fran Lebowitz

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -- Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -- Rita Rudner

Quotes About Cats

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens -- Abraham Lincoln

Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff. -- Anon

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. -- Anon

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. -- Alfred North Whitehead

Cats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, ''I'll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?'' -- Bette Midler

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. -- Doug Larson

One cat just leads to another. -- Ernest Hemingway
The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron. -- George Will
I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. --  Hippolyte Taine

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. -- Jeff Valdez

A home without a cat--and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat--may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title? -- Mark Twain

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime. -- Mark Twain

Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. -- Mark Twain

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her. -- Mark Twain

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does - but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.  -- Mark Twain

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.  -- Mary Bly

When I play with my cat, who knows whether I do not make her more sport than she makes me? -- Michael de Montaigne

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. -- Missy Dizick

If cats could talk, they wouldn't. -- Nan Porter

Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons. -- Robertson Davies

To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by. -- Stephen Baker