TOP OF THE TOP

10 Polite Ways to Say "Your Zipper is Down"

 
Top Ten List (David Letterman)


10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9.  Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his  bells.

8.  You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7.  Paging Mr. Johnson ... Paging Mr. Johnson.

6.  Elvis has left the building.

5.  The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4.  Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3.  You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2.  Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

1.  You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

The Top 15 Truth-in-Advertising Names of Personal Care Products

15> Nair -- Pelt-Away

14> Old Spice -- Eau de Grandpa

13> Dr. Scholl's Corn Pads -- Beats BITING Them Off

12> Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion -- Sgt. Zipper's Lonely Hearts Club "Hand" Cream

11> Trojan Condoms -- SkankSafe

10> Wart-B-Gone -- Put Down Those Goddam Toads!

 9> FDS -- CrotchGuard

 8> Preparation H -- SitAgin

 7> Q-Tips -- Jam It In! We Dare Ya!

 6> Nyquil -- Kid-Booze

 5> Cover Girl Makeup - Covers Ugly Girls Makeup

 4> Tampax -- Suck It Up, Missy!

 3> Tom's of Maine -- Gee, Your Teeth Smell Like Pete Moss!

 2> K-Y Jelly -- J-O Jelly

 1> Chanel No. 5 -- Catbox No. 2

The Top 16 Signs a Spaceship Is Homemade

16> Twenty percent more duct tape than Mir.

15> It's highly unlikely NASA would name its orbital lander the "USS PACKERS! Wooo! Go Packers!"

14> You currently owe Duracell $138,845,000.

13> Two words: cheese tailfins.

12> Take-off requires beans, a butane lighter and a well-timed finger pull.

11> Thrusters can be set to high, medium, low and simmer.

10> Doilies on the control board?
Potpourri in the cargo bay?
MOM!!!

9> The on-board meal: a lovingly packed PB&J cut in the shape of a rocket, a Juicy Juice box and a Twinkie that your jerk older brother smashed flat.

8> "Rocket sound" comes from playing cards stuck in the O-rings.

7> The chief engineer was forced to remove the nose cone of the lunar landing module to grill burgers for dinner.

6> Centrifugal force is measured in "Kenny Gs."

5> It just plain tastes better than those store-bought spaceships.

4> The only 'tang on board is the pilot's mistress.

3> The "heat shield"? A dozen oven mitts glued to a trash-can lid.

2> The top-secret mission? Launch a spy satellite over Jessica Simpson's shower.

1> Transmission from Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem."
Transmission from your ship: "Honey, I have a wedgie."

The Top 16 Features of Hooters Hotel and Casino

16> Family-oriented atmosphere. (Hefner, Flynt and Guccione families only)

15> Your odds at the tables are about the same as your odds with your waitress.

14> Dancers in the hotel's Risque Revue are more modestly clad than the croupiers.

13> Instead of black or red, roulette tables let you place bets on "real" or "fake."

12> Complimentary greasy hot wing on your pillow at night.

11> "Half-Off Night" -- when the cocktail waitresses all have wardrobe malfunctions.

10> A "Cooling-Off Room" featuring Linda Tripp reading poetry.

9> Slot machines galore, but nary a cherry to be found.

8> Commonly heard at *every* gaming table: "Hit me. Ohhhhh, yes, hit me!"

7> The bouncers are simply amazing.

6> Guy at the craps table yelling, "Seven! Come on, seven! Daddy needs a new pair of undershorts!"

5> Their slogan: "We've got the loosest sluts in town!"

4> Great laughs to be had watching stunned Harry Potter fans drawn in by the giant owl out front.

3> Now in the Hooters Theater: Cirque du Soleil's "Ho!"

2> Cries of "Snake-eyes!" have less to do with dice and more to do with tank tops and air conditioning.

1> Siegfried and Roy are no longer the biggest boobs in town.

The Top 16 Surprises at a Nudist Restaurant

16> Let's just say that getting wasabi in your eye isn't the worst thing that can happen.

15> Sizzling hot-plate dishes served with a side of aloe.

14> Who knew all the chefs at Benihana were Jewish?

13> Turns out silicone repels drawn butter, making lobster bibs unnecessary.

12> Their claim for "Best Sticky Buns in Town" refers to their vinyl seats.

11> Paris Hilton banned from entering.  Hey, they've got to maintain *some* standards.

10> The cook steadfastly refuses to budge from his "no bacon" rule.

 9> You'd be amazed how many straws and extra napkins a waitress can tuck into a fat roll.

 8> The waiters all wear thong hairnets.

 7> Surprisingly, it's easier to choke down snails when you've got boobs to look at.

 6> "Waiter, there's soup in my hair!" frequently heard throughout the evening.

 5> When you take out your credit card to pay, the cashier bends over and asks you to swipe it.

 4> The napkin goes *under* your lap.

 3> Waiters no longer have to take the soup back to the kitchen in order to get their revenge.

 2> Thanks to its extended "sneeze" guard, the salad bar looks like the popemobile.

 1> "I beg your pardon, sir -- I thought you were signaling for the check."

The Top 17 Indications Your Family May Be Dysfunctional

17> New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

16> Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

15> Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer.

14> In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

13> Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

12> Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.

11> Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menendez Family Christmas."

10> Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.

 9> Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.

 8> Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.

 7> You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.

 6> Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."

 5> You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.

 4> Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.

 3> Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.

 2> Didn't make today's Top 5 List?  Dad holds ya, Mom beats ya.

 1> No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a meth lab.

The Top 19 Signs You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor

19> Only does patterns by Laura Ashley.

18> While working on your back, he keeps mumbling, "Damn, you breathed again."

17> Sundays feature their "Number of the Beast" special.

16> Needles sterilized with a quick dip in a shot of Cuervo.

15> Recently had their grant revoked by the National Endowment for the Arts.

14> Doesn't offer option between "young Elvis" and "Vegas Elvis."

13> A thousand head of cattle in the waiting room.

12> Artist keeps knocking back slugs from the bottle of rubbing alcohol "just to steady the ol' nerves."

11> Work samples on the walls are actual pieces of skin.

10> "Whaddaya mean you DON'T want a swastika?!!?"

 9> You ask for roses intertwined around a logic diagram of a basic 4-bit integer divide circuit, and they just have NO IDEA.

 8> Your appointment is always being rescheduled to accommodate some die-hard KISS fan.

 7> Mickey Rourke carried out on a stretcher as you arrive.

 6> There is an indescribable, existential malaise in the air.

 5> Tipper Gore in next chair getting her hair done.

 4> The only bikes parked outside are Schwinns and Huffys.

 3> You're served petit fours and cappuccino while waiting.

 2> Nothing sterile in sight, unless you count the employees with their court-ordered vasectomies.

 1> Your "Jesus on the Cross" constantly mistaken for "Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf."

The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up

16> They've begun moving into the basements of their parents' retirement homes.

15> 7-Eleven now offering early-bird specials on Jolt Cola and microwave burritos.

14> Raves now start at 5 p.m. and break up by 9 p.m. -- just in time for "The West Wing."

13> "Doom IV" now officially an Olympic event.

12> Ross and Rachel have moved to rural Vermont and are solving petty crimes with Sheriff Tom Bosley in the new series, "Old Friends."

11> "MTV's Real World: Suburban Omaha."

10> They're trading in their mosh-pit bangings for Sunday afternoon games of no-contact, non-competitive Ultimate Frisbee.

9> A panicky Larry King quickly learns to kiss Tony Hawk's ass.

8> Out: Stone Temple Pilots. In: Tso Temple Pilates.

7> The playlist this morning on your dentist's Muzak system: Fugazi, Pearl Jam, Nirvana and Green Day.

6> Out: Goth 24/7. In: Roth 401(k).

5> Getting sex more than twice a week now qualifies as an "Xtreme" event.

4> New Mountain Dew Code Blue

3> Then: acid-washed denim. Now: acid-washed duodenum.

2> All those gray goatees are giving you a permanent KFC jones.

1> They're ready to FIGHT for their RIGHT to PUDDING.

The Top 16 Signs Something's Gone Wrong in Your Vegas Show

16> The only people involved with the show who are wearing enormous, feathered headdresses are the lighting guys.

15> Audience members are clamoring for you to sing something from "back when you didn't suck."

14> Crowd cheers wildly at the sudden appearance of Blue Man Group.  The problem is that you're with Cirques du Soleil and those are actually the Amazing Plastic-Bag-on-the-Head-for-Too-Long Brothers.

13> Distracted by some cherries jubilee, Ann-Margaret bites a waiter in the jugular during her "Kitten With a Whip" routine.

12> The mob, not caring for "Johnny Wallenda's Italian Humor Revue," relocated your show to the hotel roof and renamed it "The Flying Wellenda -- One Night Only!"

11> No matter how many times you count, there is still an *odd* number of breasts on stage.

10> After removing the blindfold, you notice that the front-row patrons aren't covered with bits of watermelon, but with turtle guts.

9> As if it weren't bad enough that your big-budget, three-act extravaganza was written and directed by the Wachowski brothers, Keanu is your lead dancer.

8> Danny Gans is ill and his stand-in, Danny Glans, is doing his impression of a snail in a German army helmet.

7> Your "Lena the Stripper Magician" act leaves you precious few places to secrete the disappearing doves.

6> You just don't understand why sales for your "Bob Hope/Art Carney/John Ritter New Year's Eve Comedy Spectacular" aren't booming.

5> A slight scheduling mixup results in Lennox Lewis' 10-second knockout of Meat Loaf.

4> A berserk Penn Jillette is dragging you across the stage by your throat and you can't scream without breaking character.

3> You ate an apple too close to show time, and people did *not* pay to see Celine Dion look like a snake that just ate a pig whole.

2> Thanks to your hair-lipped costume designer, the chorus girls showed up with pastries on their breasts.

1> "For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer from the audience! You... yes, you, sir... come right up here on stage. What's your name?"
    "Attorney General John Ashcroft."

The Top 16 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator

16> He shows up wearing tights and a beach-towel cape and shouts, "This is a job for Decoratorman!"

15> His stated intent to "Graceland this place up" is a little worrisome.

14> Suggests trying a scheme that's color-coordinated with your gastro-intestinal tract.

13> It turns out the only thing he has in common with Martha Stewart is a felony conviction.

12> Her default solution to any wall-covering situation? Clay Aiken posters.

11> Keeps trying to convince you of the decorative power of Quaker Rolled Oats.

10> Asks if you wouldn't mind storing some corpses for him in your basement "until the heat dies down."

9> Suggests you sell your kids "since they keep messing the place up."

8> As you enter your house for the first time, Tom Bodett and some guy with a violin are serenading you.

7> Her preferred living room fabric? Ham.

6> It's not really important to you that the carpet match both the cat AND your toupee.

5> You ask for a "country" decor; he gives you post-Nazi Poland.

4> Every single room is the same: aqua on one wall, orange on another and Dan Marino's face looking down from the ceiling.

3> "I call this look 'Abu Ghracious Living.'"

2> You're not sure exactly what's involved in a "Chuck Berry-style" bathroom, but it can't be good.

1> Thanks to Escher & Sons, you can no longer find your bathroom.

The Top 16 Other Manufactured Controversies

16> VP Dick Cheney says he saw Kerry take 12 items through the "10 Item or Less" lane at the Georgetown Safeway.

15> According to Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa corks his forearms, too.

14> The Sesame Street cast says that Bert's all-potassium diet is turning him into a walking banana.

13> Britney claims that Christina once uttered the phrase "not tonight."

12> Whitney Houston's drug rehabilitation has been put on hold while her doctors argue about whether her entourage are enablers, co-dependents or caretakers.

11> Ralph Nader claims the electoral system discriminates against the megalomaniacally insane.

10> Democratic party leaders Bill Clinton and Gary Hart accuse President Bush of clandestine monogamy and fidelity.

9> Kerry says that although he threw away his combat decorations, as a senior in high school Bush threw his equestrian medals into the large lake behind the family estate to protest the top billing of the school's football team over the polo team.

8> Rush Limbaugh alleges that Al Franken merely *skimmed* end-user agreements in software he purchased.

7> John Stamos says that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos bogarted all the face creams and bronzers.

6> Terry McAuliffe claims that George W. Bush's insistence that there is absolute truth is an outright rejection of the entire post-modern generation.

5> Alex Trebek insinuates that Pat Sajak is disregarding the rules by not requiring contestants to buy the "Y."

4> "The L.A. *Lakers*? Is Los Angeles known for its lakes? Shouldn't a sports franchise's nickname at least have some tangential connection to its host city's unique local culture? We think so. We are the Utah Jazz, and we approved this message."

3> Producers of "The Simple Life" claim they have video proof that Paris Hilton was *not* a virgin when they hired her for the show.

2> Elton John starts a nasty rumor that fellow adult-contemporary artist Sting once played in a rock and roll band.

1> Mary-Kate Olsen accuses sister Ashley of being a no-talent bimbo trading on her looks.

RELATIONSHIPS

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

25. It's OK to bleed during play

24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time-out

23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.

22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.

21. You can still play when you get married.

20. You can change on the fly.

19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.

18. If you can't get it up, who cares.

17. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at.

16. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over
again.

15. It is broadcast live on TV.

14. Every one can shoot at the same goal.

13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing.

12. Because of the face-mask, nothing can get in your.

11. You always know how big the stick is.

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.

9. The puck is always hard.

8. Protective equipment is reusable, and you don't ever have to
wash it.

7. It lasts a full hour.

6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

5. Your parents cheer when you score.

4. Periods only last twenty minutes.

3. You can count on it at least twice a week.

2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards

And the # 1 reason why hockey is better than sex---A two-on-one
or three-on-one is common in hockey.

The Top 16 Signs Your Wedding Day Isn't Going Well

16> The ceremony is spoiled by the insistent beeping from the bride's ankle cuff.

15> You're forced to exchange vows from separate rooms because of that week-old restraining order.

14> The bride's father gets his feelings hurt when her pimp insists on giving her away.

13> Even though he's sitting in the front row, you still don't remember the Grim Reaper being on the guest list.

12> At the end of the ceremony, Reverend Jones proposes a Kool-Aid toast.

11> Your bride enthusiastically shouts, "I do!" Unfortunately, it's when the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage.

10> The ceremony starts in 20 minutes and you're still fighting over who gets to wear the dress.

9> "Do you take this man, Scott Peterson, to be your...."

8> When the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" crew shows up to help plan the upcoming honeymoon, your fiance becomes alarmingly smitten with Carson the fashion savant.

7> "Something blue" is Grandma. Better call 911.

6> After greeting your bride by name, the honeymoon hotel clerk asks if she wants the room for the whole night this time.

5> Something old? Check.
Something new? Check.
Something borrowed? Check.
Something blew? Chuck, the best man.

4> You spot Ron Jeremy sitting on the bride's side of the church.

3> The groom refuses to put on the ring on your finger, saying, "Not the Preciousssss!"

2> Saying your vows extemporaneously was going great until you drew a blank on a rhyme for "clitoris."

1> You can't seem to find your tuxedo pants. But even if you could, the wedding is in Nebraska and you're handcuffed to a dominatrix in Singapore.

16        Signs more

16> Writing your wedding vows in Klingon seemed like such a cool idea at the bachelor party.

15> During the toast, when the bride's father refers to his daughter as "pure and virtuous," you laugh and blow champagne out your nose.

14> Sure, it rains at some outdoor weddings, but hellfire and brimstone?

13> The bride figurine atop the wedding cake? A fluffy white sheep.
Your pissed-off bride? A goat.

12> Getting married at Graceland seemed like a good idea, but you didn't count on that annoying spinning sound coming from Daddy's grave.

11> The ring bearer keeps dropping the bride's glass eye.

10> Your wedding planner convinced you to forgo a traditional reception in favor of a contemporary "flash-mob reception."

9> Traditional wedding: rice.
Your wedding: scorpions.

8> As soon as your vows are complete, Anna Nicole "accidentally" kicks over your ventilator.

7> Your bride keeps on telling you that it's unlucky to see her *after* the wedding.

6> Your vows are to love, honor, obey, remember to feed Bubbles and the llamas every night, and keep up the subscription to "NAMBLA Illustrated."

5> You can't get the ceremony started because the altar keeps bursting into flames whenever your fiancee approaches it.

4> Mid-ceremony, the priest whips out a chicken foot and begins to sprinkle yak urine on the bride.

3> "Do you, CuteBabe19, take BigGuy23-- damn, the server's down again!"

2> One hour before the big "I do," you suddenly realize there's a bridesmaid you haven't nailed.

1> You broke three bones in your hand in an altercation with photographers, your bride split the seam of her Vera Wang when she sat down, and now that little turd Matt Damon can't find the friggin' ring.

Cell Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk.


MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. Its only $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $740,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Breakfast for Newlyweds

This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards."

The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room. The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast bpought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"

Thoughts on Marriage

NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE : Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law `etter than I like mine."

WIFE : The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?

NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE : Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.

The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is 'desserts' spelled backwards.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. One of his closest friends said to him: "You can't be serious about marrying Sarah Jane!"
"Why", he asked. "She's dated every man in Phoenix."

The bridegroom-to-be thought awhile and then muttered pensively, "Phoenix isn't such a big town."

MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he's out of town.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here either."

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?

NEVER ENOUGH GENDER JOKES...

Top 100 reasons its better to be a woman

1.     we can get laid anytime we want
2. we never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
3. we piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk
4. we get out of speeding tickets by crying
5. we get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
6. we can sleep our way to the top of the class
7. we get to shop at Victoria's Secret
8. we can marry rich and then not have to work
9. we never have to pay when we go out on dates
10. men take us on all expense paid trips- all we have to do is sleep with them
11. men light our cigarettes for us
12. men hold the door open for us
13. we pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
14. we're cuter
15. we lie better
16. we're better manipulators
17. we always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves- you guys get the couch
18. we always have food in the fridge
19. when we cook, it doesn't precede a trip to the ER or a visit from the fire dept
20. we always get to choose the movie
21. we don't have to mow the lawn
22. we don't have to take out the garbage
23. we don't have to paint the house or walls
24. PMS- yet another excuse to bitch at men
25. cosmopolitan
26. we can con our way out of anything- not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole
27. men unlock our side of the car first- a real bonus when its cold
28. PMS is a legal defense for murder
29. men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over em forever
30. we can masturbate more in a day than men
31. 2 words- multi orgasmic
32. we don't have to constantly adjust our genitals
33. sweat is sexy on us
34. we never run out of excuses
35. you guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often
36. doggie style- that way we get to watch the game too
37. we get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back
38. we get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time cuz men fuck up so often
39. we can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner
40. women are cleaner
41. women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didn't know)
42. we're better arguers
43. we don't always have to think with our genitals
44. massage!!!!
45. we're better parents
46. we never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
47. there's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
48. we're flexible
49. when women get pissed we don't destroy property or hurt people- we just take it out on the world in general because we can
50. menopause- thank god we're not capable of having children after we're 50
51. menstruation- just another excuse to use so we can say "no" to sex
52. men in uniform
53. there is no penis envy
54. we can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there's no messy clean-up
55. it generally takes us less to get drunk
56. we have a higher tolerance to pain
57. we often get to cut in line
58. most women actually look good in short shorts- men DON'T
59. better tips
60. women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, its rather disgusting
61. we have mastered civilized eating- we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public
62. women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting- thank god for long pants and perfume!
63. we can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want
64. we don't have excessive amounts of body hair
65. we don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet
66. men will pay us for sex
67. smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn't make us sterile
68. we can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
69. men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want
70. men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
71. women sweat less
72. women smell better
73. when women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards- a blowjob and sex fixes all
74. men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
75. women don't get the humor in the three stooges
76. women have three accessible holes
77. we don't get embarrassed when buying tampons
78. we're better gossips
79. we have better fashion sense
80. we're better shoppers
81. we don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
82. our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone
83. men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and i'm not gonna tell you)
84. we're all sittin on a gold mine- we know it and use it to our extreme advantage
85. we don't have to drive when on a date
86. an ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable- ugly men are just fucked
87. women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn" line
88. women know how fake it
89. women look better naked
90. we know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing
91. when women are short, we're petite, when men are short, they're just short
92. women do less time for violent crime
93. women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up
94. an oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night
95. women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"
96. women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood
97. women never have to see combat
98. the remote control is not an extension of ourselves
99. women are sexier
100. we can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!

100 Ways to Be a Man

(100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)


1. Don't call, ever.

2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3. Lie.

4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike".

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.

6. Here's a good pickup line,: "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?

7. Drink Vernors.

8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

10. Always remember: you are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

11. Lie.

12. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

13. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

14. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.

15. If you don't like a girl but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like: "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."

16. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

17. If, GOD FOrbiD, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

21. Tell her you will call, then refer back to Rule 1.

22. Say things like "Wha...?"

23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked them out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24. Lie.

25. Deny everything. Everything.

26. Good break up line: "it's not you, it's me."

27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.

28. Don't have a clue.

29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

30. No means yes.

31. Yes means no.

32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.

34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

35. Feelings? What feelings?

36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex: "don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to eradicate all of them from the planet.

39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.

42. Lie.

43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.

44. A general rule: if whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

45. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

46. Lie.

47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

49. Try to have a good memory but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye colour.

50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

54. Lie.

55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

58. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

59. You are male, therefore you are superior.

60. Agenda for a boring evening: get beer, drink beer, play with yourself, have sex, drink more beer, pass out.

61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

62. Don't ever notice anything.

63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: quantity, not quality.

65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: quantity IS quality.

66. Lie.

67. If you cheat on a girl but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.

68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

69. If the question begins with "why", the answer is "I don't know."

70. Women are your napkins. Use them and throw them away.

71. Remember: every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault - not you.

73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so". If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.

76. Other people's pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.

77. Lie.

78. General Rule: different is BAD.

79. If anyone asks you for a favour:- (a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it; (b) remind them of this huge favour you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.

81. If you do something really mean to a girl and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask: "is something wrong?"

82. Three words: "let's be friends". Translation: "I never want to speak to you again but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend."

83. Lie.

84. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.

85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say: "God, I was such a pimp back then."

86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell (true story).

87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.

88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.

89. Practice your blank stare.

90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.

91. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.

92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say: "SEE? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like: "no, Baby, I was BORN like this!"

94. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd or Oldies.

95. Beer, Then more beer.

96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

97. One word: FOOTBALL!

98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we?

99. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".

100. Lie.

The Top 13 Signs your Bachelorette Party isn't going well

13. The male stripper you hired is moonlighting to supplement his full-time Sumo wrestling income.

12. Too much purging, not enough bingeing.

11. Obviously confused about your instructions, the dancer shows up wearing LEPER skin.

10. Someone spiked the punch with Summer's Eve.

9. The traditional game of "Famous Politicians I'd Sleep With" just took a turn for the serious with the arrival Mr. Starr and his subpoenas.

8. All those bags of WOW potato chips and Diet Sodas have given new meaning to the term, "spotting."

7. You knew that Daddy had taken a night job. You didn't know that Daddy's new job title was "Danny, the Firehose Dude."

6. One of your friends shows up late with the excuse that she had to give a quickie to some guy getting married next week.

5. You really didn't want your boss to "honor" you by volunteering to strip, but how can you say no to the President of the United States?

4. On your way to jail, you decide that ripping the pants off that "stripper" cop wasn't such a good idea.

3. Misunderstanding at entertainment agency results in a special appearance by Chip and Dale.

2. Your water breaks.

1. That damn Martha Stewart forgets to bring the pubic topiary centerpiece.

A Man's Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.


2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.


3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.


6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.


7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.


9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.


10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.


11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.


12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.


13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.


14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.


15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

How to Tell if You're a Woman

1. You're a Bitch.

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" you reply "no," then get pissed off when you are believed.

3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour.
4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend," when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend - whether it is possible or not!"

6. You whine.

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

11. You complain.

12. You hate any bar he likes.

13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.

14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.

15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this 'fact' as quickly as possible.

16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given.

19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

20. You must have two sets of clothes: your "Fat Clothes" and your "Clothes I'm Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear". Still, you don't like any of them.

21. (Corollary to #4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, "I have nothing to wear."

22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel.

23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.

Buying Gifts for Men

Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life? Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Real Relationship

A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.

Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.

Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don't know, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else????


His story:

Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some lovin' though.

What women do to men

Man: If I could see you naked, I\'d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I\'d probably die laughing.

Man: Haven\'t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that\'s why I don\'t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I\'ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I\'m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what\'s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Why aren\'t you married yet?
Woman: What? And spoil my great sex life?

Man: Why aren\'t you married yet?
Woman:Why aren\'t you thin?

Man: Why aren\'t you married yet?
Woman: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Being a guy is tops...

Your arsenal is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don\'t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting shagged.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Princess Di\'s death was just another obituary.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. \'Nuff said...

You don\'t give a f**k if someone doesn\'t notice your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubes.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don\'t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you\'re
talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don\'t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn films are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with \"So, notice anything different?\"

You can appreciate great sport.

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don\'t rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don\'t have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.

You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hour without ever thinking, \"He must be mad at me.\"

You don\'t mooch off other\'s desserts.

You can kill your own food.

If another bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

You don\'t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don\'t have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You can \"do\" your nails with a pocket-knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Same job... more pay.

MAN AND WOMEN OR WOMEN AND MAN THATS THE QUESTION NOW

The Top 13 Clues a Beauty Contestant is Actually a Man

13> "And now, Miss West Virginia will sing 'Wind Beneath My Wings,' accompanied by her penis."

12> "I completely fail to see what people find interesting about Oprah."

11> When asked how she would help the world, she says "I'd get the Knicks a decent freakin' point guard, fer chrissakes."

10> "Here she is, Miss East Ger-man-yyy, ..."

9> Asks everyone, "Does this bikini make my package look big?"

8> Meticulously coiffed hair? Check.
Swimsuit? Check.
Black socks and sandals? Uh oh.

7> "And now for my talent segment, I'm going to write my name in the snow."

6> Gets lost backstage, then refuses to ask for directions.

5> There's only one contestant who can carry a spare towel into the shower and still scrub Miss Norway's back with both hands.

4> "If I could change one thing about the world, I'd like to have an all Three Stooges channel on cable."

3> Measurements: 36, 26, 7, 36

2> Wake up call -- 7:00am
Dressed and ready to go on stage -- 7:12am

1> "Now there's a nice touch: Miss Florida has pinned a tiny replica of her state on the front of her bikini bott-- Oh, my dear lord in heaven...."

It's Good to be a Man

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.

The world is your urinal. I love this one...

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking 'He's mad at me.'

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Mars Eclipses Venus

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. . . To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:

Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking:
Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking:
But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even knog this person?

And Roger is thinking:
So that means it was ...let's see ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking:
He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking:
And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking:
He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking:
They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. Scumbags!

And Elaine is thinking:
Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking:
Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women!

Snap Judgments about Men and Women

Reading the signs: How to make shallow snap judgments

Taken from Women's Glibber The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize - and decode these key "signs":

1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. -Doesn't engage in oral sex.
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. -No foreplay.
3. Man can't hail a cab. -Impotent.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. -Prefers virgins.
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way there. -Is a virgin.
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelight restaurant. -Compulsive Don Juan.
7. Insists on going to a homey little cafe. -Compulsive Don Quixote.
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. -Compulsive Don Ho.
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant. -Will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli. -Won't swallow.
11. Uses Sweet n' Low. -Wears falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order. -Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side. -Will give a hand job, but won't go "all the way". 14. Gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress. -Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
15. Asks for extra rolls. -Will say she's using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue.
16. Insists on ordering for you. -Thinks that you had an orgasm when you didn't.
17. Asks for "the usual". -Insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are. -Will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers. -Premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn't finish everything on the plate. -Has already come.
21. Insists on having some of what you ordered. -Will make you sleep on the wet spot.
22. Changes mind after ordering. -Will never call you. 23. Changes tables. -Nymphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf. -Fakes orgasm. (Female)
25. Orders in French. -Fakes orgasm. (Male)
26. Sends food back. -Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, and then try to borrow money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts. -Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. -Wants a hand job.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. -Castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert. -Is dying to move in with you and rearrange all your closets.
31. Credit card is refused. -Low sperm count.
32. Under tips waiter. -Small penis.
33. Under tipc parking valet. -Small penis.
34. Under tips cabbie. -Small penis.
35. Uses a toothpick. -Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
36. Has a removable cassette player in car. -Pulls out repeatedly during sex.
37. Has a cellular phone in car. -Has a penile implant.

You can't win...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defence.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious enough.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Differences between good girls and bad girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Goodgirls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

Good girls prefer the missionary postition.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say 'no'.
Bad girls say 'when?'

Top 47 Reasons for women NOT To Have Sex

1. The pitter patter of little feet

2. Never let 'em see you sweat

3. Your parents might realise that you're not 12 years old anymore

4. Naked men

5. Guilt, guilt, and GUILT

6. You might like it

7. Rhenquist, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas

8. Paying back oral sex debts

9. Only pagans procreate

10. Castration

11. You might fall in lust or, Heaven forbid, love

12. Body hair

13. Too many lights on in the room

14. Your roommate and neighbours can't sleep with all that screaming

15. Axl Rose

16. Since that nasty little Gulf War, there's no money left for research and treatment of those nasty little Sexually Transmitted Diseases

17. Why bother doing it yourself? Just buy the new Prince album

18. Pennsylvania Abortion Law

19. Utah Abortion Law

20. Alabama Abortion Law

21. Taking care of the orgasm deficit

22. Yeast infections

23. Too sticky

24. Messes up your hair

25. Charley-horses

26. Bladder infections

27. Cher

28. "It's only a cold sore"

29. Photographers with infrared cameras (remember, if it can be seen from a public place, it's not private)

30. Hetero men who ask, "Did you come yet?"

31. SOMEBODY has to sleep in the wet spot

32. Taking off the jimmy-hat

33. In horror flicks, people having sex are always the first to be killed by axe murderers in hockey masks

34. The ever popular Eternal Damnation

35. Smegma

36. You still live with your parents

37. You love her but you're not *in love* with her

38. Creation of sounds not meant to be emitted by the human body

39. Drooling

40. Letters to the Editor

41. Calling out the wrong name

42. Potential threat to your political aspirations (unless you're a Kennedy)

43. Your brother gets home from school at 3:00

44. No one to have sex with

45. Carpet burn

46. Any offspring resultant from sex may end up looking like you!

47. Worse than No.46.. they could end up looking like him!

Things that Suck About Being a Guy

1) You have to take out the garbage.

2) Being told to put the seat down.

3) No sofas in your restrooms.

4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.

6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.

7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.

8) You have to wear ties.

9) You can't flirt you way out of a traffic ticket.

10) "Women and children first."