More Interesting Facts

'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand
And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing..as do some other body parts to eh??.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,'
and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber band last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
 
There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
 
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

Famous Quotes

Albert Einstein Funny Quotes

1. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

2. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

3. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

4. The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

5. If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

6. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Fredrick Nietzsche Funny Quotes

7. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God.

8. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

9. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

10. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?

11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.

Mark Twain Funny Quotes

12. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

13. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

14. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

16. The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

17. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

Voltaire Funny Quotes

18. Prejudices are what fools use for reason.

19. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.

20. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.

21. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

22. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.

23. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.

24. There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.

25. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.

26. Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

27. By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.

28. Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers.

Plato Funny Quotes

29. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

30. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.

31. This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.

32. Courage is knowing what not to fear.

33. The measure of a man is what he does with power.

Winston Churchill Funny Quotes

34. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

35. If you are going through hell, keep going.

36. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

37. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

George Carlin Funny Quotes

38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

40. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

42. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

43. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

44. What year did Jesus think it was?

45. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

46. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

47. “No comment” is a comment.

48. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

49. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Steve Martin Funny Quotes

50. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

51. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.

52. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

53. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

54. You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies - all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.

55. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

56. Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends? * As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)

Steven Colbert Funny Quotes

57. “To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush…I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough…Somebody shoot me in the face.” -Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner

58. On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.
 
59. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

60. Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.

61. I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

62. Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.

63. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

64. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.”

65. Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

Jon Stewart Funny Quotes

66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

67. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem - it’s in North Korea.

69. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.

70. Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005

Bill Maher Funny Quotes

71. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.

74. They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.

Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes

75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

77. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

Larry David Funny Quotes

79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there’s your diamond in the rough.

80. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.

81. I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.”

Dennis Miller Funny Quotes

82. A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

83. The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.

84. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”

Jay Leno Funny Quotes

85. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.

88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Rodney Dangerfield Funny Quotes

89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

91. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

92. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Sarah Silverman Funny Quotes

94. When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

95. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

Chris Rock Funny Quotes

96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

98. If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty.

99. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”

100. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.” Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars

101. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.

New Rules For Employees

n.b. Strict disciplinary action will be taken against all offenders

SICK DAYS:  We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:  Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need  all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you  intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:  Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called  Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:  All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The  vacation days are as follows: January 1 and December 25.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:  This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks  notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:  Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we  will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All  employees whose names  begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with  'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your  allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your  turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time  with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange,  in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the  stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper  roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:  Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they  can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a  balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for  lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet  pill.

DRESS CODE:  It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If  we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes & carrying a £600 Gucci bag, we assume  you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need an increase.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a  positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,  concerns, complaints,  frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,  accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed  elsewhere.

3 Corporate Lessons

Lesson Number 1: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral to the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 

Lesson Number 2: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, "sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral to the story is: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 

Lesson Number 3: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. As the frozen bird lay there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The Morals to this story are: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut. 

IN SUMMARY: An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling. The monkeys on top looks down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Memo

THE COMPANY XMAS PARTY
MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: DEC. 1ST

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made
by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

---------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who
are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

There will be no Christmas tree present. No, Christmas carols sung. We
will have other type of music for your enjoyment. !

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty
-------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this?
Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party -- the days are so short this time of year -- or else package
everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters ! Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes,
there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have
booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those
on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those
people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts.
Sorry!

Did I miss anything?

Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning
of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay?
Patty
----------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's
a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten
up? please?

Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special
announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail
sent to your home.
Patty
-----------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no#%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@
do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET.! You change your
address now and your are dead.! No more changes of address will be
allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you
hung from the ceiling in the warehouse.
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including
hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die you hear
me.

The Bitch from HELL

----------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her
at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Rules Of The Road In Florida

 1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Florida driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially someone from Florida or Georgia. With no-fault insurance the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare for people entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in any County during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Florida driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Florida is the home of high-speed slalom driving.

12. It is traditional in Florida to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Florida driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

14. In Florida, 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

I REPEAT THIS ONE BECAUSE IS MY FAVOURIT

A Guide To Politics

Feudalism:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian communism:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk

Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Singaporean democracy:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Militarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

American democracy:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

British democracy:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Anarchy:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Hong Kong capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

Environmentalism:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Feminism:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Totalitarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Political correctness:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Counter culture:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

Surrealism:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Libertarianism:
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

Puns

Very, very punny.

That girl said she met me at a Vegetarian restaurant, but I never met herbivore.

Two Eskimos, out to fish in their canoe got cold and decided to build a small fire in the bottom of their canoe to keep warm. Of course the boat caught fire and sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I thought about starting a conversation about nuts, but then I thought, "Screw it".

An appeals court has upheld a ban on pitbulls. That's another victory in the war on terrier.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all league records were unfortunately lost, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"

The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned. 

The sign at the rehab center said "Keep Off The Grass".

Conjunctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.

I was in a back alley in Fiji, fighting desperately and silently for my life, fighting desperately for oxygen, clawing at the calm and almost gentle pressure of the fabric held over my face by implacable, ebony thighs when I realized - he was killing me softly with his sarong.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

A rather youthful Billy Joel was fascinated when he entered the Green Room at the Tonight Show and saw a group of matronly nuns hastily applying hair color to the noggin of the show's next guest, Neil Young, whose agent offered an explanation from the corner of the room: "Only the good dye Young."

It's a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom.

What did Frank Sinatra say when someone asked him if he had ever kept wading birds as pets? "Egrets, I've had a few."

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

A man leaned to his right because his right leg was shorter than his left. He finally went to see a surgeon after much insistence from friends. Later, one of those friends saw the man walking down the street and noticed that the man's legs were exactly the same length. "See, what did I tell you?", the friend boasted. "You didn't believe the doctor could fix your leg!" The man said, "I stand corrected."

The horse got run over by a car. It's now in stable condition. 

When a woman sees her first grey hair, she usually thinks she'll dye.

Her boyfriend had a wooden leg, until she broke it off.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes Benz.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

There was a farmer who noticed a fly buzzing around the cow's ear while he was milking it. Next thing you know, the fly was in the bucket of milk. The farmer says, "In one ear, and out the udder!"

I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

The cannibals ate the missionary and got a taste of religion.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Leif Ericsson went off on his voyage, and a year later, his wife noticed that his name wasn't on the village register anymore. She went to the village elders and said, you must have taken Leif off your census.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp fence. Police are looking into it. 

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

There was a fire at a Basque restaurant, but there was only one way out of the restaurant. Many people were injured in the stampede. The moral of this story: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.

The dentist tells the patient that his upper plate needs to be made of chrome because of the patient's penchant for Hollandaise sauce (which has a lot of lemon juice in it, and is corrosive to most dental appliances). Why chrome? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

A rubber band gun was taken away in algebra class as it was a weapon of math disruption.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

The store promised a free abacus with a purchase, but I wouldn't count on it.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

This is a story of twin Siamese kittens, or more specifically, of their shared appendage; it is a tail of two kitties.

Darth Vader says "Luke Skywalker - I know what you're getting for Christmas. I felt your presents".

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 

I went to the Cashew factory last night. It was nuts!

Mahatma Gandhi, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors' register. A group of nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors' register, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother scolds him, saying, "Wait till the nun signs, Shelly!"

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes.

A plane full of Japanese car parts has exploded in midair today. A local weatherman said it was raining Datsun cogs.

Police arrested a man who robbed a bank while Tweeting about it. He's hoping for a short sentence.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

There once was a girl named Carmen Cohen. Her mother called her Carmen and her father called her Cohen. It got so that she didn't know whether she was Carmen or Cohen.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

A woman's three sons all leave home to seek their fortunes. Many years later they write to their old mom telling her that they have a successful cattle ranch and want her to come live with them. When she arrives, they proudly show her the ranch and ask her to name it for them, as they owe all their success to her. She thinks about it and tells them to call it Prism Ranch. Curious, they ask her why. "Because," she replies, "that's where the sons raise meat."

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

Because of the tsunami in Japan, the Chinese are hoarding soy sauce. So I guess you shouldn't Kikkoman when he's down.

An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 

A former Miss Russia has been arrested for both shoplifting and counterfeiting. Police say she can't get her bearings straight.

I gave my pet bird a haircut, now he thinks he's James Bond. He's certainly a shorn canary.

I once tried drawing Bill Murray on a one dollar bill but switched to drawing Jude Law. That didn’t work either so I gave up. Washington makes it too hard to turn a Bill into a Law.

There was a scare in the Middle East when famous political figure, Ali Ali was hospitalized because of a dangerously high amount of toxins in his bloodstream. After 5 hours of surgery and blood transfusions, everything is all right now because he is Ali Ali, toxin free.

Palindromes

The same backwards and forwards!

A Toyota! Race fast, safe car. A Toyota!

A Toyota's a Toyota.

A dog - a panic in a pagoda!

A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.

A man, a plan, a cat, a canal, Panama!

A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal, Panama!

A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal, Panama!

A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.

A tin mug for a jar of gum, Nita.

Ah, Satan Sees Natasha.

Anna: "Did Otto peep?" Otto: "Did Anna?"

Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.

Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

Cain: a maniac!

Campus motto: bottoms up, Mac.

Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.

Cleveland: DNA Level C.

Dennis sinned.

Dennis and Edna sinned.

Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.

Dennis, no Misfit can act if Simon sinned.

Devil Natasha, ah, Satan lived!

Diana Bruno, on urban aid. (thanks to Matthew Amacher)

Did Eve salt an atlas? Eve did.

Did I do, O God, did I as I said I'd do? Good, I did.

Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?

Do geese see God?

Do nine men interpret? - Nine men? I nod.

Drat Saddam, a mad dastard!

Draw, o coward!

Draw pupil's lip upward.

Drowsy baby's word.

E. Borgnine drags Dad's gardening robe.

Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.

Egad! No bondage!

Emil, a sleepy baby peels a lime.

Eros? Sidney, my end is sore.

Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?

Evil olive.

Flesh! Saw I Mimi wash self!

Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.

God saw I was dog.

God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!

Golf? No sir, prefer prison flog.

He goddam mad dog, eh?

He lived as a devil, eh?

I maim nine men in Miami.

Is it I? It is I!

I, Nora, came most egotistic - it's I - to get some macaroni.

I, man, am regal; a German am I.

If I had a hi-fi.

Is Don Adams mad? (A nod.) Si!

Kayak salad - Alaska yak.

Lager, Sir, is regal.

Laminated E.T. animal.

Late? Bill is ill, I bet, Al.

Lew, Otto has a hot towel!

Lisa Bonet ate no basil.

Lived on Decaf, faced no Devil.

Lonely Tylenol.

Ma has a ham.

Ma is a nun, as I am.

Ma is as selfless as I am.

Madam I'm Adam.

Madam, in Eden, I'm Adam.

Man, Oprah's sharp on A.M.

Marge lets Norah see Sharon's telegram.

Murder for a jar of red rum.

Naomi, did I moan?

Natasha? Ah, Satan!

Neil A. sees alien!

Never odd or even.

No lemons, no melon.

No misses ordered roses, Simon.

No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon.

No, Mel, a sleepy baby peels a lemon.

No trace - not one carton.

Not New York, Roy went on.

Nurse! I spy gypsies! Run!

Oh, no! Don Ho!

Party booby-trap.

Plan no damn Madonna LP.

Doc note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.

Rats live on no evil star.

Reno loner

Revenge, Meg? Never!

Rise to vote, sir.

Sir, I'm Iris.

Sis, ask Costner to not rent socks "as is".

Sit on a potato pan, Otis!

Slap a ham on Omaha, pals!

Sniff'um muffins.

So many dynamos.

So, G. Rivera's tots are virgos.

So...Mariah Carey, a LP, a player...a chair, Amos!

Some men interpret nine memos.

Spit Q-tips!

Star comedy by Democrats.

Stella won no wallets.

Step on no pets!

To Idi Amin: I'm a idiot!

Toni Tennille fell in net. I, not!

Tons of UFOs? Not!

Tonya may not.

Too bad, I hid a boot.

Trash Tim Smith's Art!

Tulsa night life: filth, gin, a slut.

Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Was it a rat I saw?

Yawn. Madonna Fan? No damn way!

Yawn a more Roman way.

Yo, banana boy!

Yreka Bakery

Aybil was I, ere I saw Libya.