Business laws

Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching. - Yogi Berra

Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".

Billing's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - Josh Billings

Billings Phenomenon: The conclusions of most good operations research studies are obvious. - Robert E. Machol (The name refers to a well-known Billings story in which a farmer becomes concerned that his black horses are eating more than his white horses. He does a detailed study of the situation and finds that he has more black horses than white horses, Machol points out.)

Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny.

Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.

Bolton's Law Of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess. - Joe Bolton, Fellow of the RAND Graduate Institute

Bonafede's Revelation: The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac. In truth, it's exhausting. - Dom Bonafede in a February, 1977 article in the Washington Post entitled "Surviving in Washington"

Boren's Laws Of The Bureaucracy: (1) When in doubt, mumble. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in charge, ponder. - James H. Boren, Founder, President and Chairperson of the Board of the International Association of Professional Bureaucrats [INATAPROBU]

 Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Orben's Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.

Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.

Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible

O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Parkinson's Laws:

First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income.

Fourth Law - The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.

Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item.

Fifth Law - If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.

Sixth Law - Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.

We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. - C.S. Lewis

We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened when we are the most confused.

We don't have the time or money to do it right, but we'll have time and money to do it over again.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.

We'll worry about that when we get there.

We're making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

We've always done it that way!

Wet manure is slippery. - OSHA discovery

A husband with a computer addiction

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,
Your Wife

ONCE MORE BUSINESS ADVICES

 Old programmers never die, they just abend.

On a beautiful day like this, it's hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but we will work on it.

On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will never decrease.

One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. - Elbert Hubbard

One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

One of those days? I have one of those lives.

One seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.

Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.

Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.

Only a mediocre person is always at their best.

Only them as knows their own...knows.

Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.

One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.

Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.

There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits.

Things are more like today than they ever were before.

Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.

Things get worse under pressure.

Things go right so they can go wrnog.

Thinking is hard work. One can't bear burdens and ideas at the same time.

This "law" has been intentionally left blank.

This "law" was inadvertently left blank.

This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough hunchbacks.

This space for rent.

Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen.

Those who live closest arrive latest.

Those with the best advice offer no advice.

To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.

To attract maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.

To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.

To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.

Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.

Trust everybody...then cut the cards.

Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

Two heads are more numerous than one

Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.

Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb.

Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.

Urgency varies inversely with importance.

Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.

Virtue is its own punishment.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. - C.S. Lewis

We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened when we are the most confused.

We don't have the time or money to do it right, but we'll have time and money to do it over again.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.

We'll worry about that when we get there.

We're making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

We've always done it that way!

Wet manure is slippery. - OSHA discovery

When all else fails, try the boss's suggestion.

When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.

When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

When in doubt, take all the time you need to get all the facts, or all the time you have, whichever is less.

When in doubt, use brute force.

When in trouble, delegate.

When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.

When it's you against the world, bet on the world.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.