Men jokes

MEN Vs WOMEN 

1. MEN discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT. WOMEN discovered paint and invented makeup.
2. Men discovered word and invented conversation. Women discovered conversation and invented gossip.
3. Men discovered gambling and invented cards. Women discovered cards and invented Witchery.
4. Men discovered trading and invented money. Women discovered money and invented shopping. There after Men have discovered and invented lots of things while Women STUCK TO SHOPPING.

A man had a party where all the rich people attend.
And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...."

Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain."
The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.
The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."
Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
"All men here are short and handsome."
The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome."
This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realise that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign. "There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A girl goes to a library.
Girl: I want the book, "Women- The most perfect and intelligent."

Librarian: Comic section is at the backside.

1st man: It is sickening the way my wife keps talking about her ex husband..
2nd man: Than's nothing, mine keps talking about her next husband.

Girls are like computers, there's always a better model.

2 boys searching for their lost girlfriends:

1st: How your girlfriend look like?
2nd: 5'6, hot, sexy, blue eyes... what about yours?
1st: Forget about mine.. lets search for yours.

After an accident ....

1st Driver : I flashed the headlights and told you to let me go first.
2nd Driver : I also started the wipers and said NO NO....

Behind every successful man, there's a woman. If this is true, we should look into this and find out what the heck she's doing back there.

Once a devil walked in a bar,
Every one ran away only one man had the guts to stay.
The devil asked to the man aren't you scared.
The man replied, "Why should I be, I married your sister 30 years ago".

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

You know why women cant drive?
Because there is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

I ONCE READ THAT A WOMAN WAS IN A COLLISION WITH A TREE, WHATS A TREE DOING IN THE KITCHEN???

Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Because, they are ugly and they stink...

Paddy's been arrested again for punching his wife!. The judge asks, "Why do you keep beating her?" Paddy say's, "I think it's my weight advantage, longer arm reach and superior footwork!"

Two friends Peter and Jack is leaving for holiday in a same airplane. Peter was sad when he couldn't meet Jack before they get in to the plane. After some time he sees Jack coming up th stairs and Peter shouted, "HI-JACK"

The man say to the woman: Why are you not speaking to me?
Women: Because I am speaking to my dog.
Man: The dog can't speak.
Women: My dog can speak.
Man: How?
Women: Dog speak to me!
Dog: woof woof.
Man:Tthe dog is barking not speaking.
Women: This dog is not barking, my dog is speaking.
Man: You have to go to the doctor to check your ear.
Women: Where?
Man: TO THE DOCTOR!
Women: To the moctor?

My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "Theres something i must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright."
"No i must die in peace. I had s*x with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"
"I know," I whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!!"

A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the a monkey of the jungle."
His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..."
He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"

Ones the bus was full of people.
A man looks at a lovely girl, she looks at him, he smiled, she did so, he told her get off at the next station, she did, he took her place.

2 cannibals having dinner.
1st says to 2nd, "Your wife makes a lovely stew."
2nd answers, "Yes but I will miss her."

Chinese and American are in a plane.Suddenly, Chinese puts his shoes off and American is angry.
After some time, he goes to buy a coke, but Chinese says that he'll do it. While he's gone, American spits into his shoes. Chinese gets back and American drinks his coke.
That repeats a couple of times,and after the flight American admits, "I spitted in your shoes, sorry."
Chinese answers, "That's how we do it. We spit in each others shoes, we piss into each others cokes..."

A plane is descending rapidly from the air, and the passengers are all scared stiff.
Suddenly a women near the front of the plane stands up and takes off her shirt. She proceeds to yell, "Is there a man on this plane that can make me feel like a REAL woman before I die?!"
She continues to yell this for about ten minutes before a man in the very back takes a stand. He proceeds to say "Yeah I can make you feel like a woman."
He then takes off his shirt and throws it towards her and says, "Here! Iron this!"

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

Five Important Qualities

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater." Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.
He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?" Bubba says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock, he walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy. (they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits)
The guy says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where your going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"

Scientists finally found what was wrong the female brain.
They said the left side had nothing right and the right side had nothing left.

There is the chief of Indians, and he is going down a field with his tribe, and they come across a pile of sh*t.So the chief asks his tribe men :
"Does this look like sh*t to you?"
"Yes is does", they replied.
"Smell it. Does it smell like sh*t to you", asks the Chief.
"Mmmmm..Yes"
"Feel it. Does it feel like sh*t to you?", says the Chief.
"Mmmmm..Yes"
"Lick it. Does it taste like sh*t to you?", inquires the Chief.
"Ammmm...Yes"
"Good. Don't step on it!"

Q: How are women and a hurricane alike?

A: When they arrive they're both wet and wild, when they leave, they take your house and your car.

A guy was going to Texas and when he went on the train he said, "Ohh my god Texas chairs are really big."
He went to a bar he asked for a bear and when the bar tender gave him the mug of bear the guy said, "Wooww Texas mugs are really big."
Later he asked the bar tender were is the bathroom and the bar tender said, "Strait on your right."
But the guy went on his left and when he entered the room he slipped and feel in the swimming pool and said, "Don't flush don't flush!!!"

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."

Guy: Wanna go hunting?
Guy's friend:Sure.
G:It's the forest just outside my house.
*Later in the day*
GF:Hey man your wife's cheatin' on you.
G:God dammit. Shoot him in the d*ck and her in the head.
GF: Wow I can do that in one shot!

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women.
His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them.
Great says his mate, what is it!
Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain:
On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.

ONCE MORE BUSINESS ADVICES

 Old programmers never die, they just abend.

On a beautiful day like this, it's hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but we will work on it.

On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will never decrease.

One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. - Elbert Hubbard

One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

One of those days? I have one of those lives.

One seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.

Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.

Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.

Only a mediocre person is always at their best.

Only them as knows their own...knows.

Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.

One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.

Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.

There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits.

Things are more like today than they ever were before.

Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.

Things get worse under pressure.

Things go right so they can go wrnog.

Thinking is hard work. One can't bear burdens and ideas at the same time.

This "law" has been intentionally left blank.

This "law" was inadvertently left blank.

This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough hunchbacks.

This space for rent.

Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen.

Those who live closest arrive latest.

Those with the best advice offer no advice.

To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.

To attract maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.

To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.

To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.

Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.

Trust everybody...then cut the cards.

Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

Two heads are more numerous than one

Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.

Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb.

Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.

Urgency varies inversely with importance.

Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.

Virtue is its own punishment.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. - C.S. Lewis

We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened when we are the most confused.

We don't have the time or money to do it right, but we'll have time and money to do it over again.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.

We'll worry about that when we get there.

We're making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

We've always done it that way!

Wet manure is slippery. - OSHA discovery

When all else fails, try the boss's suggestion.

When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.

When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

When in doubt, take all the time you need to get all the facts, or all the time you have, whichever is less.

When in doubt, use brute force.

When in trouble, delegate.

When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.

When it's you against the world, bet on the world.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.

Living In An Upside Down Land

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

* A Muslim officer crying "Allah Akbar" while shooting up an army base is considered to have committed"Workplace Violence" while an American citizen boasting a Ron Paul bumper sticker is classified as a"Domestic Terrorist".

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* You can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for being in the country illegally.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

* Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* A seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his teacher "cute" but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if.....

* The Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts cannot display the 10 Commandments in their courtroom, while sitting in front of a display of the 10 Commandments.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* Children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug addicts are left to rot in filth infested cesspools.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* Working class Americans pay for their own health care (and the health care of everyone else) while unmarried women are free to have child after child on the "State's" dime while never being held responsible for their own choices.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and government intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid and subsidized housing.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* The government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide 99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work).

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* Being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* Politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the constitution is really protecting the rights of the people.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* The rights of the Government come before the rights of the individual.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* Parents believe the State is responsible for providing for their children.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* You can write a post like this just by reading the news headlines.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* You pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big screen TV while your neighbor defaults on his mortgage (while buying iphones, TV's and new cars) and the government forgives his debt and reduces his mortgage (with your tax dollars).

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* Your government can add anything they want to your kid's water (fluoride, chlorine, etc.) but you are not allowed to give them raw milk.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe".

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* You have to have your parents signature to go on a school field trip but not to get an abortion.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* An 80 year old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burqa is only subject to having her neck and head searched.

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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

* Using the "N" word is considered "hate speech" but writing and signing songs about raping women and killing cops is considered "art".

SOME NEW IDEAS IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE ON YOUR CARDS

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...

-- What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!...

-- Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you....

-- have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...

-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...

-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...

-- Like the need for therapy."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...

-- I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,...

I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

NEW RULES FOR DINING OUT

Rule #1: If you're travelling, never ever eat in any place called "Mom's" -- well, unless

the only other places in town to dine are named "Eats" and "Dirty Harry's".

Rule #2: If you've entered a restaurant in the "Little Italy" section of the town, and you've noticed all the waiters are wearing shoulder holsters, you'd better just leave.

Rule #3: If you're waiting in line to be seated at a nice restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two hours or a twenty -- whichever comes first.

Rule #4: If you're given a choice of tables by the maitre d'hotel, my suggestion is that you always request one near a waiter.

Rule #5: If you notice that the tablecloth and the napkins are made of a better material than any suit you own, you'd better hope your credit card is not maxed-out.

Rule #6: If you're in a fancy restaurant and you find you cannot pronounce some dish on the menu, chances are you probably can't afford it either.

Rule #7: If you've been served bread and rolls while awaiting your meal, and you find the place is using a cheap substitute for margarine, you'd probably better just leave.

Rule #8: If you notice a bottle of Maalox along with a variety of other antacids among the condiments on the table, you'd probably better not order anything spicy.

HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN...

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
The little league puts you on waivers.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
The moths in your money belt starve to death.
People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
Your wife starts charging you rent.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
The department of biological warfare ask for your stew recipe.
Your children's school calls to surrender.
You can't afford to drive your new car.
It takes you three hours to make minute rice.
You're so bored you play hide & seek alone.
The fortune teller charges you half price.
People give you the senior citizen discount and you're only 37.
Your wife takes the dog on vacation and leaves you at the kennels.
You find a note on the table instead of supper.
Your wife tapes your picture to the dart board.
The bribes family throws rocks instead of rice.
Your wife is sitting on the stove holding a picket sign.
Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.

The house is messy again before you can finish cleaning.
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
You put both contacts in the same eye.
Your mother approves of the girl you are dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
You invite the peeping Tom in...and he says no.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
You call your wife and tell her that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, you find a sandwich on the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...and there aren't any.
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize you don't have a waterbed.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.