Funniest One Liners

·        Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

·        Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

·        Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

·        I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

·        I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

·        I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

·        I intend to live forever - so far, so good

·        I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

·        If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

·        If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

·        Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

·        Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

·        Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

·        Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

·        The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

·        When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

·        Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

·        Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

·        If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

·        24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

·        If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

·        Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

·        Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

·        Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

·        Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

·        What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

·        Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

·        Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

·        Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

·        Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

·        Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

·        Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

·        For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

·        Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

·        Black holes are where God divided by zero.

·        All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

·        I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

As i Seen On Bumpers

* "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

* "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

* "All generalizations are false."

* "As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."

* "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

* "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

* "Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep."

* "Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"

* "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

* "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

* "Friends don't let friends drive naked."

* "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

* "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

* "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

* "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

* "Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!"

* "Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

* "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

* "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

* "He who laughs last thinks slowest."

* "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

* "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

* "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

* "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

* "Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."

* "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

* "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

* "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

* "Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."

* "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

* "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

* "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

* "Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas - Taking the dog. --Dorothy."

* "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

* "I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"

A human's chalkboard assignments

                     

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.

2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.

3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.

4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.

5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.

6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.

7. I will get rid of those cats.

8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.

9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).

10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.

11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.

12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.

13. I will share everything I eat with my master.

14. I will allow my master on the couch.

15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.

16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.

17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.

18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.

19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.

20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."

21. I will not cut my master's nails.

22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.

23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".

24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.

25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.

26. I will not bring home any more cats.

27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.

28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.

29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.

30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.

31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.

32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.

33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.

34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.

35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.

36. Dog bladders are not large.

37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.

38. I will not run out of treats.

39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.

40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.

41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.

42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.

43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.

44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.

45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.

46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.

47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.

48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.

49. I will always carry cookies and treats.

50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.

51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.

52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.

53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".

54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.

55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".

BUMPER STICKERS SIGHTED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD 

 
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"i souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

" Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"

"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

Seen on a woman's car:

"Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
"I is a college student."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

Easter Jokes

Three Signs the Easter Bunny is Nuts

1.     What is the bunny trying to say when he is leaping about?  Hoppy Easter!

2.     Rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade aren't called hot, cross bunnies for nothing.

3.     The Easter bunny's colourful eggs are now filled with Prozac. 

 

Sunday School 1

Mrs Lewis, a Sunday school teacher asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, 'Because people are sleeping?' 

Sunday School 2

It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Bobby stayed home from church with a baby-sitter.  When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Bobby asked them what they were for.

'People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,' his father told him.

'Wouldn't you know it,' Bobby fumed, 'the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up.' 

 The Lion and the Missionary

A Christian missionary, Jemima, was walking in Africa on Easter Saturday when she heard the ominous padding of a lion behind her.

'Oh Lord,' prayed Jemima, the missionary, 'Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion.'

And then, in the silence that followed, Jemima heard the lion praying too, 'Oh Lord,' he prayed, 'I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive this Easter time.'

How Different Religions Cope with Adversity

 

When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, 'That was an experience, how do I learn from it?'

When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, 'I must have done something really bad to deserve that.'

When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, 'That was inevitable, I'm glad it's over.'

When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, 'Which one of my deacons pushed me?'

Divine Intervention?

One Easter afternoon Jasper, a little boy, was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked Jasper about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it.  Jasper informed his mother that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said, 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid.'

Jasper then opened the back door a little and said, 'Lord, since you're out there, please pass me the broom.'

Egg Laying Ceremony for Easter Sunday

• Church notices:  This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Cusworth to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• This Monday we will be holding a 'Bean Supper' in the church hall.  Music will follow..................
• What do you call a chocolate bunny that was out in the sun too long?
  A runny bunny.