SHORT
JOKES
What's the
definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
How many Marxists
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
"Many people
are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he
was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, 'Wait, are you
reading the teleprompter?'"
"Oprah Winfrey
just announced that she's planning to attend Barack Obama's inauguration. Oprah
says she's very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in
the world."
Any time you wish
to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of
viewers.
If something is
done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
I’ve always wanted
to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Many people quit
looking for work when they find a job.
A man should live
forever... or die trying.
Even if you win the
rat race, you're still a rat.
I love deadlines. I
especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
My wife doesn't
care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
All generalizations
are false, including this one.
Consciousness is
that annoying time between naps.
Easiest way to
figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.
Hard work has a
future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
The phone will not
ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.
My father was
stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
You may be an
engineer... If you have more toys than your kids
You may be an
engineer... If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
You may be an
engineer... If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your
automobile tires
A clean desk is a
sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Flashlight: A case
for holding dead batteries.
What did the mother
turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
How many aerobics
instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four!... Three!... Two!... One!
Four!... Three!... Two!... One!
Any time you wish
to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of
viewers.
If something is
done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
Any time things
appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
I knocked several
times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity
A good solution can
be successfully applied to almost any problem.
Creativity is no
substitute for knowing what you're doing.
If all you have is
a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
For every action
there is an equal and opposite criticism.
A consensus means
that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
One test is worth a
thousand expert opinions.
Making a speech on
economics is a lot like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you, but it
never does to anyone else.
Those most opposed
to serving on committees are made chairmen.
When you don't know
where you're going... Every road will take you there.
Build a system that
even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
After any unit has
been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
Teamwork is
essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
Progress is made by
lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Everyone hits a
brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.
Just when you think
you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.
People tend to make
rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
Always try to stop
talking before people stop listening.
If you cannot
dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies.
A meeting is an
event where minutes are taken and hours wasted
No amount of
advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
The best of
Two blondes were
walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the
deer tracks."
The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
A driver was pulled
over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket,
she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
The officer wanting to be sure so he asked "Please step out of the car and show me."
So he got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the tests they're giving now!"
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
The officer wanting to be sure so he asked "Please step out of the car and show me."
So he got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the tests they're giving now!"
How do you know a
blonde's been at your computer?
The joystick's wet.
How else do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
There's white out on the screen.
How do you know she's been back?
There's writing on the white out.
What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
Once they're on their backs, they're fucked!...but at least the turtle tries to get back up!
The joystick's wet.
How else do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
There's white out on the screen.
How do you know she's been back?
There's writing on the white out.
What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
Once they're on their backs, they're fucked!...but at least the turtle tries to get back up!
A grade school
teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you
be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim
stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A man with a bad
stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The
doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small
course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees,
and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the
thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells
him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or
something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
Once upon a time
when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next
day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a
random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and
don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything
stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:
I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.
She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:
Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?
I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.
She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:
Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?
****************************************************************
A bus filled with
politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail.
The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes
into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out
to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
There was a
reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a
good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local
store and went over to begin the interview.
"Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?"
The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. "Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!"
The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another.
"Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!"
The reporter was frustrated. "Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had."
"Well," the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, "thar was that time "I" got lost..."
"Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?"
The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. "Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!"
The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another.
"Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!"
The reporter was frustrated. "Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had."
"Well," the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, "thar was that time "I" got lost..."
