Bumper Stickers For Women

1. So many men, so few who - can afford me.

2. God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

5. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

6. Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich.

7. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen

8. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

9. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

10. I'm out of estrogen - and i have a gun.

11. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

12. Next mood swing: 6 minutes

13. And your point is?

14. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

15. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

16. Do not start with me. You will not win.

17. You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.

18. All stressed out and no one to choke.

19. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

20. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

21. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

22. If we are what we eat, I_m fast, cheap and easy.

23. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Great Female Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?" 

Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? 

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?" 

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "Your place or mine?" 

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" 

Woman: "It's in the phone book." 

Man: "But I don't know your name." 

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?" 

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" 

Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason." 

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"

Man: "I want to give myself to you." 

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: 

Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple." 

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. 

Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes,
Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel
about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

Types of computer viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

WHAT WE WILL DO WITHOUT TECHNOLOGY ??