Evaluation comments

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments 

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in allthose glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright. 

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. 

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. 

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. 

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. 

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. 

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. 

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. 

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. 

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. 

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. 

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. 

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. 

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. 

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. 

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. 

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. 

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. 

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. 

HAPPY: Paid too much. 

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. 

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying. 

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. 

SHOULD GO FAR: Please. 

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. 

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. 

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. 

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

Employee evaluations.

Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

The Basic Laws of Work

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. 

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. 

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. 

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. 

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. 

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. 

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done. 

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 

No matter how much you do, you never do enough. 

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.