Five Questions Most Feared By Men

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat in this?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.

New college classes for men!

College Classes For Men:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

What I Want In A Man

What I Want In A Man, Original List... (at age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover 

What I Want In A Man, Revised List... (at age 42) 

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

Jokes about Men

OK gals it's time for some men put downs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy. 

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell. 

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract. 

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they
wrinkle. 

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to
revolve around him. 

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted. 

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to
women?
Exchange him. 

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it. 

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name. 

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes. 

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times. 

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..." 

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them. 

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before
creating your masterpiece. 

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts. 

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing. 

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. 

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR HOBBY SEE BELOW SOME OF MY SUGGESTIONS

Many people hoard old, used or useless possessions. Some of these people collect anthologies; compile lists; stockpile belongings; or just simply collect articles. We all know philatelists [stamp collectors] or friends who collect such items as bottle caps [tops]. I have set out to find out some of the stranger, perhaps trivial and often amusing items that are collected throughout the world.

·        Imelda Marcos has class; I believe she had over 3000 pairs of shoes.

·     What led me to do this article is that I read a report by the journalist, Simon Hoggart in The Guardian in which he mentioned that he knew a man in New Zealand who collected airline sickness bags, now that is weird and we can only hope they are empty.

·      A man called Jesse S. James, from Maywood California; USA has collected barbed wire since 1957. He displays his specimens on panels, has catalogued them and even written a book about them. It is a collector's item itself but I am led to believe it is out of print.

·    Even stranger is Ed Haberman of Tama, Iowa; USA who collects used oil rags. He has done this since the 1950's and has a collection totalling more than 13,000, which he has washed and stored carefully in his home. Sad to report his love of oily rags is not shared by Mrs Haberman. Are you surprised?

·     Becky Martz collects.........wait for it banana and asparagus labels and broccoli bands. She has over 5000 banana labels.

·        Marcelo Strauch from Buenos Aires, Argentina has a vast collection of tea bags from all over the world.

·        Petr Hlousek from the Czech Republic collects labels from rum bottles and he has amassed 6383 labels from 97 different countries. Fascinatingly he has 304 unopened bottles and I am thinking of going to visit him.

·        In the 1940's and 50's my mother used a mangle that was kept in the outside conservatory, this she used for wringing out wet clothing after washing. Amazingly, there's a man in Adelaide, Australia who has a collection of these mangles some of which date back to the 1800's.

·   Barber Alan Moore of 30 years standing in his shop in West Street, Portchester, has a superb collection of shaving mugs.

·        Mr Frank C. Horwath who hails from Joliet, Illinois; USA has a collection of nails which he has amassed since he was 14 years old. He reputedly has more than 15,000 of all varieties from over 40 different countries. He has a rare nail from the Islamic shrine the Dome of the Rock and another from the home of W. Ellery who signed the Declaration of Independence.

·        Elizabeth Lowe, Middleton, Wisconsin; USA collects dreams. What? I hear you cry...yes dreams. Apparently each of us dreams some 1500 dreams each year so the fact that someone is assembling a collection should not be a surprise. M/s Lowe has a collection of some 2,500 dreams, which she has collected over 16 years. One of Lowe's favourite recurring dreams is her own. In it a miniature elephant frolics in her bathtub making a glorious mess.

·        The world record for a collection of tubes of toothpaste is shared between Carsten Gutzeit from Germany and Val Kolpakov, Davenport, USA. Both have over 1000 toothpastes from some 60 countries. Strange flavours include: dry champagne and whiskey.

LIFE’S INSTRUCTIONS

Sing in the shower.
Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
Watch a sunrise at least once a year.
Leave the toilet seat in the down position.
Never refuse homemade brownies.
Strive for excellence, not perfection.
Plant a tree on your birthday.
Learn 3 clean jokes.
Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
Compliment 3 people every day.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

 
Leave everything a little better than you found it.

Keep it simple.

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

Floss your teeth.

Ask for a raise when you think you've earned it.

Overtip breakfast waitresses.

Be forgiving of yourself and others.

Say, "Thank you" a lot.

Say, "Please" a lot.

Avoid negative people.

Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards.

Wear polished shoes.

Remember other people's birthdays.

Commit yourself to constant improvement.

Carry jumper cables in your truck.

Have a firm handshake.

Send lots of Valentine cards.

Sign them, "Someone who thinks you're terrific."

Look people in the eye.

Be the first to say hello.

Use the good silver.

Return all things you borrow.

Make new friends, but cherish the old ones.

Keep a few secrets.

Sing in a choir.

Plant flowers every spring.

Have a dog. (Or cat)

Always accept an outstretched hand.

Stop blaming others.

Take responsibility for every area of your life.

Wave at kids on school busses.

Be there when people need you.

Feed a stranger's expired parking meter.

Don't expect life to be fair.

Never underestimate the power of love.

Drink champagne for no reason at all.
Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation.
Don't be afraid to say, "I made a mistake."
Don't be afraid to say, "I don't know."
Compliment even small improvements.
Keep your promises no matter what.
Marry for love.
Rekindle old friendships.
Count your blessings.
Call your mother.