Test Yourself: Are You a Neanderthal?
As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man. His
descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens.
If you suspect a touch of the old hand ax in your ancestry, score yourself
on this test:
1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points.
2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, take five
points.
3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add three points.
4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.
5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then give yourself
five points.
6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do, add ten
points.
7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
in a chair? Take five points.
8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point for
every five degrees of slope.
9. Less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed? Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're
normal--no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold
an apple? Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give
yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname Duke, Butch, or Animal? Three points.
Scoring
0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build
bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one
will notice.
40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
you away.
60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider
a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
place for you in human society. Try running for public office
instead.
As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man. His
descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens.
If you suspect a touch of the old hand ax in your ancestry, score yourself
on this test:
1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points.
2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, take five
points.
3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add three points.
4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.
5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then give yourself
five points.
6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do, add ten
points.
7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
in a chair? Take five points.
8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point for
every five degrees of slope.
9. Less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed? Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're
normal--no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold
an apple? Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give
yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname Duke, Butch, or Animal? Three points.
Scoring
0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build
bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one
will notice.
40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
you away.
60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider
a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
place for you in human society. Try running for public office
instead.
Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test
(the S.A.P.)
ENGLISH
1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
a. b. c. d. e. none of the above
2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______
a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak
3. pork:algae :: green:_______
a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red
4. mugger:park :: king:_______
a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak
READING COMPREHENSION
Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.
In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper
atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the
weather. These contentions, however, are for the most part
unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, a
British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza
virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots.
Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as
this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.
Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such
possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks
of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.
1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media
2. The term most Western means
a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct
3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
b. The sun has sunspots
c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
d. all of the above
MATHEMATICS
1. Which of the following is a number?
a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5
2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine
and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can
get anything he wants from Grover?
a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only
3. Delbert McBumm wants to p*wn a hundred-dollar watch. The
p*wnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it
for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of
mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the
worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between
the p*wnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
watch's value?
a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above
/50 6/
5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ 2
of the figure at the right. / 2
a. 0 b. 50% c. c only /
d. the answer is a 9 /7 10
e. go back, it's a / 8\__
6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it
will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will
it really take him?
a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer
d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated
QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON
In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.
These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.
On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b
are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is
bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot
be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.
a. 2 b. 15
a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square
whose area is 10 whose area is 10
a. my dad b. your dad
a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something b. nothing
a. a mountain b. a molehill
(the S.A.P.)
ENGLISH
1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
a. b. c. d. e. none of the above
2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______
a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak
3. pork:algae :: green:_______
a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red
4. mugger:park :: king:_______
a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak
READING COMPREHENSION
Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.
In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper
atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the
weather. These contentions, however, are for the most part
unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, a
British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza
virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots.
Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as
this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.
Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such
possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks
of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.
1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media
2. The term most Western means
a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct
3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
b. The sun has sunspots
c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
d. all of the above
MATHEMATICS
1. Which of the following is a number?
a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5
2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine
and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can
get anything he wants from Grover?
a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only
3. Delbert McBumm wants to p*wn a hundred-dollar watch. The
p*wnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it
for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of
mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the
worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between
the p*wnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
watch's value?
a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above
/50 6/
5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ 2
of the figure at the right. / 2
a. 0 b. 50% c. c only /
d. the answer is a 9 /7 10
e. go back, it's a / 8\__
6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it
will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will
it really take him?
a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer
d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated
QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON
In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.
These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.
On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b
are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is
bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot
be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.
a. 2 b. 15
a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square
whose area is 10 whose area is 10
a. my dad b. your dad
a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something b. nothing
a. a mountain b. a molehill
Are YOU A HARD MAN?
1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?
a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her a*se so she screams her t*ts off.
2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers I love you. Do you?
a) Whisper back I love you too.
b) Put your a*se on her leg and fart.
c) Say Go to sleep dog breath.
3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?
a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your d*ck on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the b*tch to go get in with the kids.
4/. If you break wind during the night do you?
a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bo11ocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.
5/. If she breaks wind do you?
a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the b*tch.
c) Say you dirty b*tch and shove her out in the back yard.
6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the c**ts.
7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a cr*p and
she's in the bath. Do you?
a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell Move it goat face, the fkin tortoise head's out of the
shell. c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
taking off.
8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?
a) Wait until next week.
b) w*nk.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.
9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?
a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the c**t, then get
p*ssed.
10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?
a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.
SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.
0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29. You must try harder.
30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.
THIS IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS. DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN
FIRST!!!
It only takes 30
seconds.
Work this out as
you read. Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out.!!! 1. First of
all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out to dinner. 2.
Multiply this number by 2. 3. Add 5. 4. Multiply it by 50. 5. If you have
already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747. 6.
Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. see below: RESULTS:
You should now have a three digit number: The first digit of this was your
original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week). The second
two digits are your age!!! It really works. This is the only year it will ever
work, so spread the joy around by mailing this to anyone you think might enjoy
it.
UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
____________________University
To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
_______________.
______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or
at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the
following illness:
______mono ______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
______VD ______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly
how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points
______not explained in sufficient detail
______too boring
______all jokes and not enough material
______all of the above
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry
______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my
(book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________
To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
_______________.
______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or
at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the
following illness:
______mono ______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
______VD ______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly
how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points
______not explained in sufficient detail
______too boring
______all jokes and not enough material
______all of the above
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry
______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my
(book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________
