Mistakes on a resume

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

Life of a Senior Citizen

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care...

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that's just my left leg.

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory

I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors... Absolutely nothing!

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. . .

I'm wondering... If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the storeroom.

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

WHY THE 80's WERE COOLER FOR BEING A TEENAGER THAN THE 90's

MTV actually played videos in the 80's.

- There was only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.

- A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.

- In the 80's, playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.

- In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell phone.

- In the 80s, we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school - unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.

- Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. N'Sync. New Edition vs. Hanson. Ok, that one's a draw.
- In the early 80's, there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol LEGALLY.

- Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.

- In the 80's, you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time. They were so tight we couldn't get them off!