'THINGS MAMA TAUGHT ME'

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......'LOGIC'
"If you fall of that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......MEDICINE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you are never going to get a good job."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......ESP
"Put your sweater on, Don't you think I know when your cold?"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO MEET A CHALLENGE
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you|.Don't talk back to me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HUMOR
"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HOW TO BE AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......SEX
"How do you think you got here?"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......GENETICS
"You are just like your father."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY......ROOTS
"Do you think you were born in a barn?

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......THE WISDOM OF AGE
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until your father gets home."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when we get home."

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THING......JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.....then you'll see what it's like."

FEW FUNNY JOKES

Take whatever humor you may out of these s, but please keep in mind, and I am not kidding, they were originally written by a nun in a convent. And yes, the convent has email! 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job. 3. His last request was a drink. 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine at every meal. 3. He worked in the building trades. 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot. 3. He invented a new religion. 

AND, FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33.  3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure that he was God.

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We have all learned to live with voice mail as a
necessary part of modern life.  But have you ever
wondered, "what if God decided to install voice
mail?"  Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House.
Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for requests
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries

What if God used the familiar excuse...
"I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping
other sinners right now.  However, your prayer
is important to us and will be answered in the
order it was received. Please stay on the line."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses
as you call God in prayer? If you would like to
speak to:
Gabriel, Press 1
Michael, Press 2
For a directory of other Angels, Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a
psalm while you hold, please Press 4
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to
Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Social Security
number, then press the pound key. (If you get a
negative response, try area code 666.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please
enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs,
the age of the earth, and where Noah's Ark is,
please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once
today.  Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

How about:
This office is closed for the weekend please
call during normal business hours,
or...
We are closed to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again tomorrow after 9:30 AM.  If you
need emergency assistance when this office is
closed, please contact your local pastor.

Hermeneutics in Everyday life!

Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do?
That depends on how you exegete (interpret) the stop sign. 

1. A post modernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic. 

2. Similarly, a Marxist refuses to stop because he sees the stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeois use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers in the east-west road. 

3. A serious and educated Catholic rolls through the intersection because he believes he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either. 

4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop the car if the car in front of him does. 

5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go. 

6. A seminary educated evangelical preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2)a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car. 

7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things: a) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law; b) Stop at the sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed. Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: Rabbi Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says, "Be still and know that I am God."

8. A scholar from the Jesus Seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself because being the progressive Jew that he was, He would never have wanted to stifle peoples progress. Therefore, STOP must be a textual insertion belonging entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot. 

9. A NT (New Testament) scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a street no one has ever seen called "Q" street. There is an excellent 300 page doctoral dissertation on the origin of these stop signs, and the differences between stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in the dissertation, however; it doesn't explain the meaning of the text! 

10. An OT (Old Testament) scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP." For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and five line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author on the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P. 

11. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back.(Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the sign were not there. 

12. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar amends the text, changing the "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back, that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area. If this is true, it could indicate that both meanings are valid, thus making the thrust of the message "STOP (AND) SHOP." 

13. A "prophetic" preacher notices that the square root of the sum of the numeric representations of the letters S-T-O-P (sigma-tau-omicron-pi in the Greek alphabet), multiplied by 40 (the number of testing), and divided by four (the number of the world-north, south, east, and west) equals 666. Therefore, he concludes that stop signs are the dreaded "mark of the beast," a harbinger of divine judgment upon the world, and must be avoided at all costs.

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When

• Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
• You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
• Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
• You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
• Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
• Your income tax refund check bounces.
• It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
• The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
• You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
• You put both contacts into the same eye.
• Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
• Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
• You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
• Nothing you own is actually paid for.
• Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
• The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
• You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
• The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
• People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
• When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
• You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
• You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.

 

You Know You're From California When...

• The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
• You were born somewhere else.
• You know how to eat an artichoke.
• The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
• Your car has bulletproof windows.
• Left is right and right is wrong.
• Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
• Your mouse has only one ball.
• You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
• You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
• You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
• You drive to your neighborhood block party.
• Your family tree contains "significant others".
• Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
• You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
• You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
• More than clothes come out of the closets.
• When "the Dead" are best live.
• You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
• More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
• Smoking in your office is not optional.
• You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
• When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch".
• Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
• Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
• You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
• You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
• A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
• When all highways into the state say: "no fruits".
• All highways out of the state say: "Go back".

You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
• You speed walk in your sleep.
• You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• Cocaine is a downer.
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You buy milk by the barrel.
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
• You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
• You get drunk just so you can sober up.
• You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You don't get mad, you get steamed.
• Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.