I LOVE LAWYER JOKES DON’T YOU ??
The scene is the darkest jungle
in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the
jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks
the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it
out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front
tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear
tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front
tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop."
The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm
just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
A local United Way office realized that the organization
had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The
person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you
give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in
some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind
and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the
lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three
children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A pick pocket was up in court for
a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined
$100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my
client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes
in the crowd. . ."
Two small boys, not yet old
enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My
name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy,"
replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for
a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied
Tommy.
One day, there was this lawyer
who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his
colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and
took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!"
he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix
it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up
to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH
DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the
policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!"
the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you
care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm
is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and
exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
A guy walks into a post office
one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically
placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over
them.
His curiosity getting the better
of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man
says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man
replies.
A man was chosen for jury duty
who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could
think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give
it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could
approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial
because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in
the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a
crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this
jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you
fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
For three years, the young
attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time
he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward
to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then
stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you
write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have
rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my
name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have
a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
A lawyer defending a man accused
of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his
arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not
himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an
offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he
chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached
his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A grade school teacher was asking
students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My
mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a
professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player
in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of
calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation. Little
Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed
to explain that to a seven year old kid!"
A woman went to her doctor for
advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for
anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked,
"Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it
hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then,
there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you
like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was
mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The
Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him
what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real
estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance
proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember
that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I
am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled.
"Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
A guy phones a law firm and says,
"I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm
sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones
the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the
receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I
want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist
says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died
last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love
hearing it!"
Two attorneys were walking out of
a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate
and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for
a second and said "Out of what"?
An engineer dies and reports to
the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an
engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the
gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts
designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty
popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So
how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning,
flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an
engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've
got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there;
send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on
the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or
I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And
just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
A lawyer trying to get tickets to
a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When
the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the
lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity
was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked
him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He
replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
A doctor and a lawyer were
talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people
describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After
an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do
to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the
office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a
bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day,
still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to
place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
A lawyer is standing in a long
line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his
shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you
think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in
practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you
don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
A man is at his lawyer's funeral
and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people
around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns
towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to
pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make
sure he was dead."
An elderly patient needed a heart
transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We
have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who
died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman
who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third
donor is an
attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful
transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart.
"It was easy," explained the patient, "I wanted a heart that
hadn't been used."
Three men, a doctor, an
accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter
tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He
looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a
ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor
answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the
accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately
the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St
Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a
very heavy voice, "Name them!".
In heaven, the angels asked god
where he would spend his next holiday.
God said: At least not on earth. Last time I went there, I left a girl pregnant
and those people haven't stopped talking about it since!
A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it
fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor
and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over
here."
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck,
I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like
this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick
me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city
fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's
groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney
nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and
said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"
Have you heard they're using
lawyers instead of rats in laboratories these days? There are three reasons for
this:
1. Lawyers reproduce faster.
2. The scientists don't get attached to the lawyers.
3. A lawyer will do things a rat wouldn't even consider.
A man died and was taken to his
place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized
as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer
gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'
'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'
One day Saint Peter and Lucifer
were having a problem with their boundaries. The following was their dialogue:
Saint Peter: Your fence is a little bit on my side.
Lucifer: Yes, but I won't move it an inch.
St. Peter: Then I'll sue you.
Lucifer: Oh yeah? Where do you think you'll get a lawyer.
Taking his seat in his chambers,
the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have
been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed
uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge
reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning
$5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
A redneck, a preacher, and a
lawyer are traveling in a car when it breaks down in front of a farm. They ask
the farmer if they could spend the night. The farmer said, "Sure, but my
guest room only has room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.
The preacher says, "I don't mind being with God's animals. I will sleep in
the barn." An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the
preacher. He says, "I can't stand that noisy chicken. Could I switch with
one of you?" The redneck says, "There are always loud animals back in
Alabama. I can take it." An hour later,
there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the redneck. He says, "I
can't stand that smelly cow! Could I switch with one of you?" The lawyer
says, "Well, I guess that leaves me." An hour later, there's a knock
on the door. It's the chicken and the cow.
A couple were driving to a church
to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they
arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could
arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do
his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and
ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and
tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the
couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that
they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a
priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
A very successful lawyer parked his
brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's
side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within
minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask
any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he
had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the
body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and
raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can not believe how
materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on
your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a
thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your
left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the
truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer.
"My Rolex!"
A lawyer was well into a lengthy
cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor!
One of the jurors is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put
him to sleep... You wake him up."
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