Lawyers and political jokes today
Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.
Q. Why is going to a meeting of the Bar
Association like going into a bait shop?
A. Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers.
Q. What's the definition of a lawyer?
A. A mouth with a life support system.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.
Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word
processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous
person at a bar association convention?
A.
The caterer.
Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.
Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up
to his neck in sand?
A.
Not enough sand.
Q. What's the difference between a bankrupt
attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a
terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a
trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A.
Who cares?
Q. What do honest
lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a
vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q. What's the difference between an attorney
and a pit bull?
A.
Jewelry.
A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one
day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got
further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman
coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said,
"Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset.
He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family
hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a
fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The
cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking
for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?"
The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we
speak!"
One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was
looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a
blonde , a brunette , and a redhead. To the blonde he said , "I am the
president of the united
states. How
much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied,
"Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question ,
and she replied, "One hundred dollars. "He then asked the redhead the
same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President , if you can raise my
skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low as my wages...get that
thing of yours as hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me
warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public,
then believe me Mr. President , it ain't gonna cost you a cent."
The first ladies of UK, Russia and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The
subject of discussion was the penis of their respective spouse. The first lady
of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the
room" The lady from Russia says, "It is like an army officer- you do
not know where he will attack from- front or back.." The French lady says,
"It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it
drops down..." Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumour... it moves from
one mouth to another..."
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are
traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the
air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract
themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They
decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the
Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for
a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow he
says "bastard" written in piss. He is so outraged he goes into the
oval office and calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did this
horrible thing to his garden. So they go out and investigate and when they
return they say "Well Bill, we've got bad news and we've got worse news,
which one would you like to hear first?" And Bill says, "What's the
bad news?" The agent replies, "It was Al Gore." Aghast Bill
yells, "That dirty no good son of a bitch!!!!! What's the worse
news?" So the agent says, "It was Hillary's handwriting..."
The Clinton's and the Gores are traveling aboard Air Force One.
Bill Clinton looks out the window and says, "You know, I bet I could drop
a $10,000 bill out the window and make one person very happy!" Al Gore
comments, "Yes, but I could drop ten $1000 bills out the window, and make
ten people very happy." Hillary Clinton says, "True, but I could drop
one hundred $100 bills out the window, and make one hundred people very happy. Chelsea responds, "Big deal! I could drop all of you out
the window, and make the whole country happy!"
Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton
are on the titanic. When it starts to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the
women and children!" Nixon: "Screw the women and children" Clinton: "Do we have time?"
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President
Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant
came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda,
which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The
minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm
sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."
Hillary went into a pet shop and found a
beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked.
"Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only
$50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the
manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent
many years in a whorehouse, and his language is terrible."
"Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager
shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage
and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked
her straight in the eye, and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary
laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house,
new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when
Hilary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him.
A few minutes later, the president entered the living quarters. The parrot
looked up from his feeder and said, "Hi, Bill."
Bill Clinton and Al Gore were taking a shower
at the gym after a strenuous exercise. Bill looked down at Al's dick and was
shocked at how big it was. "My GOD, Al, that thing is HUGE! How'd you get
it that big?" Bill asked in awe. "Well, every night, I whack it three
times against the bedpost," he answered proudly. "Well, I'll have to
try that," Bill said. So that night, when Bill got home, Hilary was
already in bed, half asleep. Bill took out his dick and thumped three times
against the bed-post. Thump. Thump. Thump. Suddenly, Hilary sat bolt upright in
bed. "Al, is that you?" she asked.
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a
little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and
says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens,
they're brand new kittens." Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of
kittens are they?" "Democrats," the child says. "Oh, that's
cute," Al Gore says and he runs off. A couple of days later, Al Gore is
running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just
ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog
over to the boy with the box. Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that
cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of
kittens they are." The boy replies, "They're Republicans."
"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they
were Democrats. What's up?" "Well," the kid says, "Their
eyes are open now."
The Clintons and the Gores were having dinner one evening and the
topic of conversation got around to sex and partners. They all agreed they
would swap partners for the night. About 2:00 o'clock the next morning, Bill got up on one elbow in bed and
said " Al, what do you suppose the women are doing right now?"
A little boy goes to his dad and asks,
"What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the
administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to
take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the
Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little
boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy
goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to
wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son,
tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit."
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude
toward whiskey... "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind,
pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm
against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against
winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to
comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my
position, and I will not compromise!"
George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really
hate all the stupid jokes people make about me." Cheney reassured him by
saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid
people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll show you what I
mean."
Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, "Please
take me to 261 M street to see if I'm home, " said Cheney.
Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the
doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not there! Take
us back to where we started, please."
The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to
Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don't worry
about their opinions!"
Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and
whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a
phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a
beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he
looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's
ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up,
walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was
finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's
ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar
quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn
it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush
country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse
country!"
George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get
the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have
some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides:
the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had
two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very
unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right
side there isn't anything left."
When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of
heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein
scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're
Picasso?"
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and
let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.
"How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."
St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso
drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"
Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"
St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday
destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books
have been lost.
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he
had not finished coloring the second one.
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were
set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton
was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given
he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and
Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled
and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al
yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over
the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking,
"I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and
hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing
squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned
from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
Before the inauguration, George W. was invited
to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he
could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President
had a solid gold urinal!
That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just
think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold
urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she
told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that,
in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to
Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He
asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround
herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this
question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child
is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's
me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the
White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child
is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back
to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other
senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several
hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms
calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know
the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to
discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to take their
orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked Bush, he
said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress to come
closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche."
In a Veteran's Day speech, President Bush
vowed, 'We will finish the mission. Period.' Afterwards, he was advised he
doesn't have to read the punctuation marks.
George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air
Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The
driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to
explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of
money. Bush saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The
driver replied, "I told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just
killed the pig."
As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a
state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and
the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his
weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was
doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The
farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya,
Sir?" Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's
what they are -- I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says,
"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies
because they're almost always found circling around the back end of
horses." Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying
to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have
too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes
back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to
fool them flies though."
Bush and Powell are slaving in the hot sun
digging a hole while Rice is sitting under a tree drinking iced tea. Bush says
to Powell, "hey, how come we're out here sweating and she's over there
relaxing"? Powell shrugs and says "I dunno George why don't you go
ask her." Bush climbs out of the hole he's been digging and wanders over
to Rice and says "Me and Colin want to know why we're workin' our butts
off and you're relaxing under this tree". "Well George", Rice
says, "it's like this."
"You ever heard of a thing called
Smarts"? "Smarts", George says, "what's that"? Rice
says, "Here I'll show you how it works". "Now I'll hold my hand
up in front of this tree and you punch it as hard as you can, okay?" Bush
sensing a great ooportunity eagerly agrees. He gathers all of his strength and
punches with all of his might but Rice moves her hand just in time for George
to bust his on the tree. "Now you understand how Smarts works George"
Rice asks.
"Gheeez", Bush replies, "that's pretty
neat". Swelling with confidence Bush goes back to his hole and tells
Powell, "hey, this is neat, the reason we're working is because of a thing
called Smarts". "Smarts"' Powell says. "What's that."
Bush replies, "now I'll hold my hand up in front of my face and you...
Prime Minister Paul Martin, Finance Minister
Ralph Goodale, and Revenue Minister John McCallum are flying on the Executive
Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Goodale and
says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window
right now and make someone very happy."
Goodale shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the
window and make ten people happy." Not to be outdone, McCallum says,
"Well I could throw a hundred $10
bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses
back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make
millions of people happy."
No comments:
Post a Comment