LOT’S
OF FUNNY JOKES
An elderly woman went to her
local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist
asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control
pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought
for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old.
What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me
sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a
second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you
sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my
granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
"Mister, why doesn't this
cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer
cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am,
cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed
down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a
couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason
this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
3 guys were riding in a car: a
hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst
is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have
failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the
wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three
climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a
look. "
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a
specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens
again?"
"What time does the library
open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M."
came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle
of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?"
the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do
you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I
want to get out."
One day, Satan was out for a walk
through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake,
relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all.
Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:
"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man
replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical
July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he
rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees.
Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.
When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all.
Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable
yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just
like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."
Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in
Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down,
and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly
dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over.
He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and
yelling into the air.
"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made
out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the
Stanley Cup!"
An old farmer had owned a large
farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up
nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was
fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go
down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made
the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my
alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every
time!
A teacher gave her fifth grade
class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the
end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and
broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said
the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand
and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat
market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten
live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until
they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a
story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a
flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun
and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70
of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20
more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with
her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible
story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when
she's been drinking."
A man with a nagging secret couldn't
keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been
stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did
you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough
for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the
lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall
have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get
the plans, I can get the lumber."
A woman has twins, and gives them
up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her
husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Amal."
My parents recently retired. Mom
always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her
birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we
returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a
clarinet instead."
"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a
clarinet, she can't sing."
A man asked his wife what she'd
like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they
went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the
Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of
the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a
McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with
extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the
latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened.
"You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When
a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Two elderly couples were enjoying
friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was
the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest
psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big
difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He
thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face
and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and
thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose,
what was the name of that clinic?"
Two brothers jointly owned a
business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother
instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with
the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the
graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets
and placed it in the casket.
For years Dr. Benson had left his
office and gone to Teddy's Bar, where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with
crushed pecans. One day, however, Teddy ran out of pecans; instead he
substituted hickory nuts. Dr. Benson sat down and took a sip under Teddy's
watchful eyes; he frowned. "Say, Teddy, this isn't an almond daiquiri. Just
what is it?" "I can't lie to ya," Teddy said. "It's hickory
daiquiri, Doc."
In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get
to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you
hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could
definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who
bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could
deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that
you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup... gonna be a bear.
A woman woke up one morning to
find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She
quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he
held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As
they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is
that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on
the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed
her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do,"
she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied, "Well .....
sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that
happens, I want you to do one thing." "Shoot the
gorilla?" "No," he answered, "the dog."
An accountant dies and goes to
heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all
waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes
running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally.
God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."
The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am
overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we
can do for someone as special as you are.
Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St.
Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know
what you mean. I'm only 40."
St. Peter replies, "But that can't be
right - we've seen your time sheets!"
In the Hospital the relatives
gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a
brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have
to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of
time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor
quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his
curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the
male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of
the female brains, because they've been used."
Two cops were parked on the side
of a busy highway waiting to nab individuals throwing litter out their car
windows. One car drove by and threw out some garbage but the traffic was too
thick to allow the cops an opportunity to pull out and haul the car over.
Another car drove by and it too tossed some garbage. Just as before, the
traffic was too busy. Vehicles proceeded to pass by throwing garbage until
finally the cops had an opening to pull over a car which had a guy and a girl
in it. The police had the man back up to retrieve garbage, which turned out to
be a used condom. One of the cops said, "You know there are huge fines for
littering on this highway". To which the motorist replied with a satisfied
look on his face, "that's not litter, it orgasmic material!"
An efficiency expert concluded
his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these
techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the
audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the
expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove,
table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her,
'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it
save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes,"
replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now
I do it in seven."
A man walks into a hamburger shop
and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes
a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins
yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my
hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back
where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and
flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him
make donuts."
One day an Indian boy asked his
father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever
a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the
first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."
There were these three guys. They
had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a
room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says
there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok,
you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the
pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in
a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out
"Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a
bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"
A young blind boy is being tucked
into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight
and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok
mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams
"MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom
answered, "I know - April Fools!"
A woman was standing in a crowded
lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally
elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is
as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If
you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
A few days after Christmas, A
mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new
electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son
yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now,
because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on,
get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and
told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now
I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play
with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his
train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride
was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you
who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage
under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope
you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see
the bitch in the kitchen."
A young couple gets married, and
the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she
will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that
his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and
$1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every
time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She
figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the
$1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold
them"
A mother found her son scooping
ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be
ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no
one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you,
what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and
daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went
upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's
cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I
do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of
bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."
An 80 year old couple were having
problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get
checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the
doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing
things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the
man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl
of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him,
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He
said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had
better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said,
"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on
top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I
can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes
he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She
stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it
down! You forgot my toast!"
One day a girl brings home her
boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for
while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The
same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off.
She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your
life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't
marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half
brothers!!!"
Her mom replies, "Don't
worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your
dad."
The patient says, "Give me
the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At
least I don't have AIDS."
Mr.Johnson and his secretary are
on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the
hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow
your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile?
The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he
replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket.
A burglar breaks into a house. He
sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice
"JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight
wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and
takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you".
He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a
birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your
voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your
name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person
names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES
HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
During their silver anniversary,
a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so
overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes,
honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
A soldier was given the job of
hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set
off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off
his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is
confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know
buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".
A guy walks past a mental
hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13"
the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked
through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then
groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'
A hobo comes up to the front door
of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner
answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to
eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods
for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go
around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you
will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The
owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will
bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I
think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's
a BMW."
This is why I didn't show up for
work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12
bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to
empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to
do the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from
the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste
to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.
I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not
until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did
this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the
sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of
it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass
and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass,
bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the
bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the
house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one
bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and
congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will
do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.
Junior had just received his
brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the
driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed
to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet
you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting
in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming
boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit
back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have
been doing to me for sixteen years."
Two old ladies have played bridge
together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty
well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other
and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the
life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me
your name again, dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of
minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to
know?"
You know there are starving
people in those third world countries, and you're just wasting that food. Then
package it up and ship it to 'em if you're so concerned you dumb shit!
A man went to apply for a job.
After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for
people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
The widow takes a look at her
dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's
in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted
him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and
she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd
been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought
especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a
minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take
him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this
argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled
it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the
smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to
get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh,
it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was
already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!
A cowboy rode into town and
stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit
of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his
horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into
the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into
the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with
surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another
beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do
what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted
restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and
his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of
the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said,
"I had to walk home."
A guy sticks his head in the
barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The
barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy
leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop
full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week
later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before
I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says,
"About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a
friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he
goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing
hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left
here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your
house."
A man walked into the office of
the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem.
"Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good
man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes,
well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep
hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know
what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come
over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm
not allowed up on the furniture."
Once there was a millionaire, who
collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The
millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he
announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will
give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this
pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his
last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the
pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on.
Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I
didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you
want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath,
then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your
daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"
The teacher of the Earth Science
class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about
latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the
teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at
23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east
longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and
volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
Two women that are dog owners are
arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart,
every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the
newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman
: "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make
her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she
wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over
Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll
be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
There was a boy who worked in the
produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head
of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but
the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained
that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and
said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of
lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man
standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants
to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on
his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in
a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got
out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you
from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did
you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy
replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What
team did she play for?"
A man went to a pet shop and
bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot
how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few
hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop
swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot
continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later
the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering
bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just
tell me what that turkey did!"
A man is walking down the street
and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog pulling it with a rope
attached to the dogs balls. The man says "You know if you tied it around
his neck, it would go faster." The boy replies, "I know but then I
wouldn't get the cool siren."
On Christmas morning a cop on
horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand
new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa
bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says,
"Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The
cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way,
that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring
the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well,
next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on
top."
A popular airline recently
introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on
business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all
the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they
enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking,
"What trip?"
A man and his wife are driving
down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you
know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know
I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you
were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT
UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and
be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over
did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No
Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that"
"WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it
up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to
his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"
Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her,
"Does he always talk to you this way?" "No"
she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"
A priest walked into a barber
shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how
much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to
the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12
prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked
how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to
the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen
donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much
it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the
country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12
Senators in front of the door.
One day these two fine southern
ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women
sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl
says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which
the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." The
first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The second woman again
replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." "Well sweetheart
doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?"
"Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he
did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the first
woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you
see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them,
or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a fuck, but
now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
A highly timid little man,
ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um,
err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking
meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing
out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering
little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I
believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man
in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old
female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your
puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on
her, sir."
An elderly widow and widower were
dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She
immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't
remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she
looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no
avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted
that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh",
she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone,
but I couldn't remember who it was."
A well dressed business man was
walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him
respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man
stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a
vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young
man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that,
the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman
started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped
him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That
little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to
three he
told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's
your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
A man hasn't been feeling well,
so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes
out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the
doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks.
"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts,
"Nine..."
A group of girlfriends are on
vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women
Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide
to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a
sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first
floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and
plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next
floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and
handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall
and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still
two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is
perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all
excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they
find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only
to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Little Johnny's kindergarten
class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw
pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of
the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a
wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want
very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep
him when you took his picture?"
A man in his 40's bought a new
BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down,
the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to
open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue
lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought
to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the
reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he
thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and
the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's
Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an
excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy
thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was
afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice
weekend," said the officer.
Two guys and a union worker were
fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them
in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak,
the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever
since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back,
he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick
glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do
anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed
them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could
see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried
defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term
disability."
The new employee stood before the
paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary,
walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing
work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand
and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do
the copies come out?"
Tom had this problem of getting
up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him
and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to
his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely
breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you
yesterday?"
A carpet installer decides to
take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of
several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins
searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed
carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of
cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo
the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his
trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of
cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out
"Have you seen my parakeet?"
Bubba was from the lower valley,
and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while enjoying
some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with
his Ma and Pa. "Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're
the baby of the family." "But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just
had my 38th birthday last week." "We know that, Bubba," Pa
chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until
after you graduate from high school."
Bernie was invited to his
friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife
by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin,
etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that
after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife
those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the
truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
Person turns on the computer
without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer
finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard
Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There
isn't even a keyboard attached?
Jones came into the office an
hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's
hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided
to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river --
look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried
here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously
disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten
minutes."
It was the day of the big sale.
Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main
reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A
small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid
loud and colourful curses.
On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked
around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the
second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it!
If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"
A man lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered
to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man
groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't
get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man
just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up
the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the
man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no
success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation
briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in
his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
A policeman was patrolling a
local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a
couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's
seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He
stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The
young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes
Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look
like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked,
"And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and
replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the
officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about
twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
An eight-year-old boy went into a
grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer
walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no
laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But
you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might
even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the
detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the
store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added,
"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that
killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the
spin cycle!"
A woman was trying hard to get
the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she
asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister,
Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't
come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
While proudly showing off his new
apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is
the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That
is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said
and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off,
you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
A man comes home from an exhausting
day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his
wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a
beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it
starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next
to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me
another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She
yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit
in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and
furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's
started ..."
How about the two old men, one a
retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history.
Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills.
They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The
history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read
Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's
the wicker chairs."
An artist asked the gallery owner
if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all
fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad
news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your
doctor."
A young bride and groom-to-be had
just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum
and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there
anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a
fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a
wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
The young clerk's
responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start
of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived
two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee
delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along
the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he
finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to
produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted
with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the
morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the
clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted
the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the
coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
Two guys rob a store, they burst
out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two
dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars
stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous.
A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted". As
he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame... "Come
on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"
A man is flying in a hot air
balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I
am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40
and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I am still lost."
The man below says "You must be a manager."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and
you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same
position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
A philosophy professor stood
before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began,
silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it
with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that
it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the
open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They again agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course,
the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to
recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your
family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything
else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The
pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar
first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your
life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never
have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that
are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to
go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take
care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the
professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course
the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always
room for BEER.
One night, Tim was walking home
when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to
wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight.
However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the
ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the
thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that
he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was
that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five
hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
Two confirmed bachelors sat
talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a
cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with
it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You
said it. Every one of the recipes began the same
way - 'Take a clean dish."
A lady dropped her handbag in the
bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag,
so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and
commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill
in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied,
"That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have
any change for a reward."
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