Make life simpler tips

 

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

1.     Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

2.     Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

3.     Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

4.     Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

5.     No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

6.     Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

7.     If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

8.     Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Adults learn from kids

Things Adults Learn From Kids:

1.     There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

2.     If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.     A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.     4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

5.     It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

6.     Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

7.     You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

8.     When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

9.     A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

10.                       The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11.                       When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.

12.                       Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

13.                       A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

14.                       A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

15.                       If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

16.                       A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

17.                       Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

18.                       Duplos will not.

19.                       Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

20.                       Super glue is forever.

21.                       McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

22.                       Ditto Tarzan.

23.                       No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

24.                       Pool filters do not like Jello.

25.                       VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

26.                       Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

27.                       Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

28.                       You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

29.                       Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

30.                       Plastic toys do not like ovens.

31.                       The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

32.                       The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

33.                       It will however make cats dizzy.

34.                       Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

35.                       Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

36.                       A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

 

Tell him that he's stupid

 

Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

1.     A few crumbs short of a crouton.

2.     A few clowns short of a circus.

3.     A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

4.     An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

5.     A few beers short of a six-pack.

6.     A few peas short of a casserole.

7.     The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

8.     One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

9.     One taco short of a combination plate.

10.                       A few feathers short of a whole duck

11.                       All foam, no beer.

12.                       Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

13.                       Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instruc- tions on the heel.

14.                       He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

15.                       An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

16.                       As smart as bait.

17.                       Chimney's clogged.

18.                       Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

19.                       Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor.

20.                       Forgot to pay her brain bill.

21.                       Her sewing machine's out of thread.

22.                       If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

23.                       Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

24.                       Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

25.                       Has the intelligence of a Carrot.

Must be out of shape

 

The Top Signs You're Out of Shape

1.     You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.

2.     People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"

3.     You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.

4.     Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.

5.     Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.

6.     You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.

7.     You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.

8.     Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.

9.     The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"

All of life's annoyances

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

1.     ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

2.     ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

3.     ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

4.     ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

5.     ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

6.     ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

7.     ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.

8.     ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.

9.     ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

10.                       ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

11.                       ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

12.                       ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

13.                       ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

14.                       ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

15.                       ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

16.                       ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

You're no longer cool

 

You Are No Longer "Cool" When

1.     You find yourself listening to talk radio.

2.     You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

3.     The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

4.     You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

5.     You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

6.     You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

7.     You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

8.     You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

9.     When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

10.                       When jogging is something you do to your memory.

11.                       Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

12.                       All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

13.                       You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

14.                       You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

15.                       You actually ASK for your father's advice.

16.                       You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

17.                       When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Ten worst gifts to buy a woman

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

 

Marriage Quotes

AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER …..

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.


Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.


Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.


Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.


Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.


Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.


Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.


Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":

* The Engagement Ring

* The Wedding Ring

* The Suffe-Ring

* The Endu-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.


Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.


It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!


There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.


A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.


Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.


Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"


Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.


They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.


When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.


There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.


A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive.


A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.


A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.


A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.


Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.


An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.


And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.


Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.


Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.


Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.


English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.


Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.


He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.


Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.


Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.


I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.


I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope.


I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.


I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.


I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'?


I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.


If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?


If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.


If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.


In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.


In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!


Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him.

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.


Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable.


Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.


Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.


Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.


Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.


Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.


Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.


Marriage is a rest period between romances.


Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.


Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.


Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.


Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.


Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.


Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.


Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.


Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.


Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.


Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.


Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.


Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss..


Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.


May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.


May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.


May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.


May you never leave your marriage alive.


May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.


Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.


My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.


My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.


My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.


My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.


My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!


My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.


My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.


Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.


No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.


Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?


Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers.


Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.


Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.


Spinster: A bachelor's wife.


Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.


Question: Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"

Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife


The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.


To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother--I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.


The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism.

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.


The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.


The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.


There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.


To keep your marriage brimming

With love in the marriage cup,

Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

Whenever you're right, shut up.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.


We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

What's new? Most of my wife.


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.


Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.


Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.


You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.


Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.


Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.


It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.


May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.


May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.


May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.


Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."


The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.


There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course.