Rules for Cats Who Have to
Run a House
Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines
for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more
humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those
humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and
contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of
topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands
of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating,
however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have
two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must
be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for
getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in
their dishes when they are not looking.
b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to
drink from.
d) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are
unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet. If you
insist on waking a human at what it considers a "ridiculously early
hour" for breakfast, be warned that the human may be as likely to throw
you outside or in the basement as to feed you.
e) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt
to get to know it. Be insistent; your food will usually not be so polite and
try to leave. If you can't be bothered to eat the food you've just caught, be
considerate and don't waste it; it makes a perfect gift for humans! Carefully
pick it up and carry it to the human's house and, if the door is closed, leave
it on the doorstep. If the door is open, or there is a cat-flap, take it inside
and leave it somewhere highly visible. The gift will be even more welcome if it
is still alive! Live birds and mice make the best gifts as humans love a good
game of chase just as much as you do, although be careful not to help them;
it's their gift after all.
f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright
for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist
for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not
limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring
loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the
Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while
meowing plaintively.
g) Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both cats and humans. Whenever a
human sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, s/he is showing you
great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until cool (you may
even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just right) and then
daintily drink it.
h) Occasionally there will be disagreements over what you and the humans will
deem as edible. The appropriate action, should the stuff in question be too
repulsive to ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to drag over
objects to cover the offending item. This informs the ignorant human that it
really belongs in the litter box.
2.1 Catnip
Most cats think that this strange-looking plant is Food of the Gods and better
even than tuna. There are some, however, who are sadly deprived of the ability
to enjoy this wonderful treat and will look upon the others with a mixture of
confusion and disgust at the utter lack of Dignity of those partaking. If you
are one of the latter, please skip to the next section.
Catnip is available in two forms, in the wild as an odd-looking plant that
grows in delightfully fragrant, though often rather flattened, patches, and
from the humans in a concentrated dried form. Unfortunately, the humans know of
our weakness for catnip and will try to hold it out from us, often employing
some very ingenious methods to do so. If the humans are careless enough to
leave any catnip within reach, it is imperative to get it no matter what you
have to tear apart to do so. Otherwise the humans will use it to attempt to
coerce us to do things which would otherwise be beneath us.
The greatest hazard of catnip is that it causes those cats under its influence
to utterly lose their Dignity. They roll around foolishly, purr at maximum volume,
tear around the house at top speed, and do other things no sane cat would be
caught doing. Do attempt to control yourself, especially if your humans have a
"video camera" and are prone to using it.
3. Water
Water (also known as Cat Solvent) would be really great if it wasn't so wet!
Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water in the whole house. Toilets
are the next best (but the water inside must be colorless and contain nothing!)
Therefore it is imperative that any sound of running water be immediately
investigated in case a free drink may be obtained. The bathtub is the best
place to lurk in the bathroom when a human is present. A plaintive meow or two
and perhaps hopefully licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn
on the tap for you. If the bathroom door is closed, demand entry noisily (see
Doors). The water dish is to be used only as a last resort in case the humans
leave the toilet lid down and the tub and sink are dry.
If a human has a sufficiently wide-mouthed glassful of liquid, immediately
stick your face into the glass. If the opening is too narrow, dip your paw into
the liquid, swirl it around, and give it the taste test. You may be pleasantly
surprised to find beer or even milk! In any case, if the liquid is good, continue
to sample, but only while your human is distracted. Some of the best water is
ornamented with those cold, hard buoyant cubes that bob up and down in the
liquid when pressed lightly. If your human protests, lick the condensation on
the outside of the glass.
4. Sleeping
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get
plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to
curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts
with your fur colour. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator,
so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the
disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather
conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
A) Snoring is not a talent unique to humans; if the cat is sharing a bed with
two humans, the well skilled cat can cause one of the humans to be
blamed/swatted/smacked for the deed by the other.
B) If your humans don't let you into the bedroom at night, make them suffer for
it. Even if they give you a nice warm room of your own to sleep in at night,
with a catflap to the outside world, that just isn't good enough. There are
several ways of registering your disapproval.
a) Trash the room they give you to sleep in. After all, the humans don't sleep
in it, so why should you?
b) Fight noisily with other cats in the neighbourhood, just outside their
bedroom window. Make sure that you appear in the morning with as many fresh scars
as possible. Spend some time perfecting an aggrieved "Well, I wouldn't
have all these injuries if you only let me sleep in the bedroom at night"
expression.
c) When they finally rise and take a shower or a bath, locate the appropriate
drain pipe and yowl up it. That amplified and disembodied "Meow" is
sure to surprise them, as is the length of time you can do this without getting
hoarse.
d) When they finally come downstairs, and call for you, refuse to use the
catflap to enter the house. There's a perfectly good front door they can open.
Of course, if they should anticipate you by opening the front door and calling,
ignore them. You should only appear by the front door and yowl once they've
closed it again.
5. Play
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you
are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favourite cat
games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at
all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a
chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do
that!" It fools those humans every time.
5.1 Games
a) "Catch Mouse". The humans would have you believe that those lumps
under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually
Bed Mice, rumoured to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world,
though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumour also has it that only the
most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the
covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
b) "King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one
other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill
303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes.
This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the
unstable playing theatre into account.
Warning: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the
bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately
begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they
fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat
wins the round of King of the Hill.
c) "Tag" (Also known by humans as "Charge of the Light
Brigade"): Obviously this game also requires two or more cats, and may
include a dog as well. One cat is "it". The other(s) chase him around
the apartment until they catch up to him. Then follows the "Scrum",
after which the cat who caught the other becomes "it" and is chased
around. Great fun, but has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from
maneuvers such as the Throw Rug Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid.
Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline participants must immediately wash
themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play.
In this case, the dog automatically becomes "it" and should be
subjected to the Pileup.
d) "Tube Mouse": This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the
Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully
attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse.
When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape
from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But
that's OK because you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and
shred! Part two of the game is to make the angry human believe that the other
cat did it. This is related to another fun game, "Snowstorm", in
which you try to make it look like a blizzard has occurred in the room. You can
track shreds all over the house for greater enjoyment. Be warned that this
variant often results in the coming of the Vacuum Monster.
e) "Fetch": Only dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans
throw, take it back to them, and continue doing this until they drop. As
established earlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified cat MAY fetch a ball for
its human, but if the human persists in continually throwing the ball away,
assume that the human truly does not want it, and leave it.
f) "Kibble Soccer": Any number of cats can play. The game begins when
the referees go to bed. The player runs to the bowl where the dry cat food is
kept, and executes a "place-kick." The player does this by attempting
to kick one kibble from the bowl with a paw. Using the nose and tongue
("heading") is allowed, but this is considered bad form. Often the
bowl must be tipped, rocked or rattled. Once the kibble is out of the bowl and
in play, the player proceeds to bat it around the room as quickly as possible.
This is accomplished with short alternating swipes with the front paws, running
behind it as it moves (this is also known as the "kibble dribble"). If
the kibble gets stuck at the intersection of two walls, the player must attempt
to put it back into play with a "corner kick."
If the kibble is still on the playing field after 30 seconds, the player is
awarded a point. She is then allowed to eat the kibble, after which she returns
to the bowl to put the next one into play. No points are awarded for kibbles
that are kicked out of the playing area (under the stove, behind the
refrigerator, etc.). These are left for the cockroaches, and other spectators.
The player must put a new kibble into play.
For equipment, any dry kibble will work, although Science Diet round kibbles
roll particularly well. The referees control the pace of the game by waking up
(usually after the first few points have been scored) and imposing obstacles
between the player and the kibbles. The referees do this by placing covers on
top of the bowl, placing the bowl on a counter top or shelf, or otherwise
hiding it. An advanced player is measured by the degree of ingenuity displayed
in overcoming the obstacles between herself and the kibbles and resuming the
game.
The game ends when all the kibbles are eaten or out of the playing field, or
when a referee puts the player in the penalty box.
g) "Rumpus Raising"
Step 1: Warm up by tearing through the hallways and over furniture at high
speeds. Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrt noises on the rugs.
Furniture that is off limits during the daytime makes great springboards. (Even
more fun with two or more participants.) Important style points are gained
during this step. 2 extra points if you get a yell from a judge.
Step 2: Find objects that make noise and activate them. Door stoppers that go
SPROOOOOOOONGONGONGONG when you run by them, wind chimes and blinds that rattle
when disturbed, and loose objects that go thud when they hit the carpet are
best. Technical points are awarded in this step. The more complex the device
the better. 5 points for knocking over the phone so it goes BEEP BEEP BEEP
*Please hang up* BEEP BEEP...
Step 3: Make the loudest possible noise. Glassware and remote controls are
useful here. It might be beneficial to slightly open the judges' door before
this step. Final creativity points are awarded now.
Step 4: Look innocently at the dog and fish when the judges storm into room and
turn on the lights. Pretending to be asleep is good form. 5 bonus points if
another pet gets blamed, and 7 points for style if the judges stub, trip or
completely fall over the objects knocked over!
h) "Skiing"
This game is played when your human has the newspaper lying on the floor for
reading. Run down a hallway toward the newspapers at full speed, leap onto the
paper and see how far you can slide. The slippery advertisements are best for
this. This game is even more fun if your human is unaware that you are going to
play. It can be followed by a good round of "Catch Mouse" (newspaper
variant). It can also be played on throw rugs.
5.2 Toys
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this
means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged
when the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch where it is put so you
can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and
wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.
a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that
the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for
playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
b) Dangly and/or stringlike things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and
dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favourites of humans who like
to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged
under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and
should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will
try to make you lose your Dignity. Note that playing with shoelaces when the
human is trying to tie them is another form of Hampering.
c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be
the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear
the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to
and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat
you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack,
which will usually result in a great Tag match.
d) Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought cat toy. After all, in the
old days, cats had to fashion their own toys. Store-bought toys are an affront
to a "real" cat.
6. Supervising (a.k.a. Hampering)
It is well known that humans are incapable of performing even the simplest of
tasks without feline supervision and/or assistance. This supervision is absurdly
known by the humans as "hampering". If one of your humans is engaged
in some close activity and any others are idle, stay with the busy one. It
would take a large book to describe all of the activities which need to be
supervised, so only a condensed list is presented below.
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then
picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless
you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at least the most important
part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or
knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the
aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks
in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit
on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the
table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push
pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump
at the back of the paper. They love surprises.
f) As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the
human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the
dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their
coordination skills.
g) Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
h) When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it and curl
up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If
the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and
try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.
i) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper (hence the other name for the
laundry basket, the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect
bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for sorting,
arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the
laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's play time. Pounce on anything the human
tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun,
grab a sock and hide under the bed.
j) When a human is working at a computer, s/he isn't paying attention to you.
Fortunately, this problem is easy to remedy. You can easily obstruct the
human's view of the screen with your beautiful tail, or if it's low enough,
with your even more beautiful body. Trampling on the keyboard is always good
for some attention as well. Pay special attention to the keys marked "Esc",
"Del", and "Brk". If you need to nap while
supervising your human, good places are the keyboard, on top of the plastic
thing with the cord that the humans laughably call a "mouse", or on
the human's arms. If the human insists on removing you from these choice locations,
there's always the lap. If possible, while in the lap try to drape yourself on
one of the human's arms.
k) Guidelines for where to sit or lie down.
1) It is considered bad form to lie on the bare floor, couch, or bed. An
exception is made for the human's favourite chair, which you are allowed to sit
on no matter what (or who) is there.
2) On a bed, there will often be laundry or clothes lying there. It is your
duty to lie on them to get your beautiful fur on them. If there is a choice,
choose either the cleanest item or the item which contrasts most strongly with
your fur. If your human protests, act cute.
3) It is also your duty to lie in an area that makes your human contort to the
greatest extent if s/he wishes to share the bed/couch with you.
4) Even resting on a book or a newspaper on the floor is preferable to just
lying on the floor. Newspapers are particularly important to sleep on if your
human has them on the floor for his/her reading convenience.
5) Select a chair to sleep on that hampers your human the most. For example, if
your human is doing a craft on the kitchen table to prevent your interference,
it is your duty to take a nap on the chair your human would like to be sitting
in. No other chair at the kitchen table will do.
6) If kicked off any preferred seating, it is of critical importance that you
not immediately go about your business. You must either sit still for a time,
washing yourself to save face, or lie on the floor to make your human feel
guilty. If the human cheats by moving your resting chair and/or sitting in a
different one (in a situation such as the kitchen table example above), you may
be able to continue hampering by jumping into the human's lap. If the human has
to get up to get something and dumps you off, immediately occupy the chair and
look smug. Of course, the human will just switch chairs or remove you again.
This game can be played for hours.
7. Scratching Posts
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They
are very protective of what they think is their property and will object
strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing
it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are
an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a
definite no-no! Some humans come equipped with "jeans", which can be
scratched without inflicting too much injury. Attempts to climb up them will
result in further attention, albeit perhaps not the kind you wish.
8. The Vacuum Cleaner
This appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater being the most
prevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into raging monsters
while under Its influence, running around the house sucking up all the
carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee.
Nothing can stop It until the influence is over and the foul device is put back
into Its closet. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the engine roar
to life and hope that It doesn't find you. On some occasions, however, the
humans are forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag
from within. This is Its stomach, and must be destroyed if you can get the
chance. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of
the Beast in pain.
9. Doors
To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer it with your forepaws
and/or yowl. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you
have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and
think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Protest if the human uses a foot to
"encourage" you to leave.
If a human goes into a room, especially the bathroom, and closes the door to
exclude a cat, meow pathetically and try to stick your paws under the door to
open it. If the human relents, lets you in and then closes the door,
immediately demand to be let out. If the human lets you out and closes the
door, immediately demand to be let in again. This is especially fun when it's
the bathroom and there are guests. This game can be played until the human
wises up and hoses you with a squirt gun. Scuttle out of range and wash
yourself, to pretend that the assault on your Dignity didn't happen.
Sometimes doors can be opened by cats without the aid of humans. Such doors
must be kept open for the cat(s) to investigate within at any time. Swinging
doors are to be avoided at all costs; their nickname "Tail-Biter"
tells it all.
If a door that is usually kept closed, such as a closet door, is opened, you
must immediately rush in to investigate to see if anything has changed since
the last time you were in there. Resist the human's attempts to remove you
before you have completed your investigation. Protest loudly when the human
removes you anyways.
10. Humans
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give
attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's
Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of
the house.
One way to keep your human healthy is through agility training. You can do this
by running ahead of your human, maintaining a distance of about one and a half
of the human's paces, and suddenly stopping to clean yourself. If the human
doesn't trip over or boot you (a very real hazard, especially from beginner
humans), s/he is fit and able to avoid all sorts of danger in his/her world. A
bonus from this exercise is that the sight of the human will be very amusing
and you can share the experience with your friends on the back fence.
10.1 Waking Them Up
It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day
is young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for play. It is
known, however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they
occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food
or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost all of
them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called "wee
hours". Some will even pretend to be asleep even when we know they're not,
hoping we'll give up and go away. Persistence is the key to success in any
case.
One effective method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the "direct
approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of the
following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring,
meowing, head-butting, light taps on the eyes, or playing "Catch
Mouse" or "King of the Hill". This may only result in your being
ejected from the bed, but at least you now have the human's attention.
If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics,
such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and looting a wastebasket,
knocking items off the dresser, singing at the top of your voice, or even
curling up on the human's head (often the only visible part). As well as being
warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made by the human, probably
even before he is aware of it. You will be unlikely to wait for long. Another
effective tactic is to jump, walk or knead on the human's abdomen, where the
bladder is located. If the human hasn't been to the Big White Drinking Bowl
during the night you can be sure of a rapid response. Eventually the human will
get up and do what you want, usually employing some bad language while doing
so.
Warning: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will very likely
result in your being "banished" from and denied access to the bedroom
altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to respond
to your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective, but
will likely result in being further banished to the basement or even the kitty carrier!
Discretion is thus strongly recommended.
Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to the
bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too sleepy to
put up much resistance.
10.2 Mornings
In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every
morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their
way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, gently bounce on
top of them in bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on them. See also
"Waking Them Up". The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before
their clock begins to blare or ring. We must protect them from the noise
because it could ruin their sense of hearing.
10.3 Guests
a) Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you
can arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath", so much the better.
b) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which
contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool
clothing. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
c) For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof
disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
d) When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look
surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal
that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.
e) Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything,
just sit and stare.
10.4 Laps
Undoubtedly the best way to get attention from a human is to jump in his/her
lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them think you like them
(which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these
and more can be yours. Some cats like this treatment a little TOO much and
acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden
opportunities for shedding; be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast
with your fur (see also "Guests"). Unfortunately, humans have the
annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like
answering the thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest
this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps may require
"softening up" with a little kneading; just be sure not to use the
claws or you may have an unexpected flying lesson!
10.5 Confusing Them
Humans (for the most part) love order and predictability. They especially like
their pets to be predictable. So if you are in the mood to indulge in a little
low-risk mischief, behaving irrationally is an excellent option. The usual
method is to simply tear around the house at top speed talking to yourself and
perhaps launching a frenzied attack on an unsuspecting toy. If there are two or
more cats in the household, you can take turns chasing and wrestling with each
other. This is usually good for a shake of the head from the human, along with
"Crazy cat(s)" muttered under his/her breath.
Another way to baffle the humans is to interrupt your passage across a carpet
(at whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical leap into the air. Then continue
on as if nothing had happened. If you're skilled enough, you may be able to
convince the human(s) that there are "rug worm
