AMERICAN WAY TO RUN ECONOMY!!!

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic  Stimulus' payment. 

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: 

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? 
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. 
Q.. Where will the government get the money?
A. From taxpayers. 
Q.. So the government is giving me back my own money ? 
A. Only a smidgen of it. 
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? 

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. 
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? 
A. Shut up.  

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by  spending your stimulus check wisely:  

* If you spend the stimulus money at WalMart, the money will  go to China or Sri Lanka .. 
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. 
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China ....  
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and   Guatemala .... 
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ... 
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ...  
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. 

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1.      Spending it at yard sales, or  

2.      Going to ball games, or

3.      Spending it on prostitutes, or

4.      Beer or

5.      Tattoos. 
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:  

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day ! 

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

IRISH CHRISTENING

Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.   
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them. 

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot...         
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?                                           

'Denise' says the doctor. 
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought ...'I really like Denise '
Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies ' Denephew  '

PUBLIC FACILITY

THE LADY IS GETTING READY TO ENTER!!
This is a picture of a public toilet in Houston

Now that you've seen the outside view,
take a look at the inside view...

It's made entirely of one-way glass!

No one can see you from the outside, but when
you are inside it's like sitting in a clear
glass box!

Now would you... COULD YOU....???
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NEXT --

A
PAINTED BATHROOM
FLOOR!!!

Tenth floor of a hi-ris building.......
IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY ..

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM...

You open the door....
NOW, REMEMBER THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR !

IT TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY......
DOESN'T IT?

Scroll sloooooooowly.
.......

Would this mess up your mind??? Would you
be able to walk in To this bathroom???

---------------------------------------------------------------
FINALLY!!

THIS IS A CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER'S LOUNGE.

RIDDELS LAST WEEK

Two flocks of birds flying

A flock number 1, say to a flock number 2:

Give me a 1 bird so that we have the same number of birds, while a flock number 2 says:

No, you give me a 1 bird so that I have twice as much as you.

The question is: How many birds are in flock number 1, and how many in flock number 2.

ANSWER : 5 and 7

FOX??

Where the fox goes when she turns two years?

ANSWER: IN TO THEERD YEAR

Hunter and the birds

On one branch are 10 birds. Hunter shoots and kills one bird.

Question: How many birds are left on the branch?

ANSWER: NO ONE, THEY ALL FLEW AWAY

The problem of cooking

If it takes 20 minutes to cook hard duck egg, how many will take to cook four ducks eggs.

ANSWER 20 MINUTES

The Halloween Kiss

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the caband notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. 

He replises:"I have a question to ask, bat I don't want to offend you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

 "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that

1) you have to be single and

2) you must be Catholic."

 The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK"the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

 The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"my dear child,"said the nun, why are you crying? "

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Steve and I'm going to a Halloween party!

Do You Have a …?

Do You Have a …?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady:

 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman:

'Do you have a vagina'?
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice:

 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice:

 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.

'Do you have a vagina'?

'Yes' she says.
The man replies..  

'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

Fanny for today

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled  the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note:

 "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

There  is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and  announced to his congregation:

"I have good news  and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad  news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

A  minister waited in line to have his car filled  with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The  attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the  young man,

"I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get  ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled,  "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."